I Wish I May
by Chicleeblair
Summary: Meredith and Derek have never thought very far into the future when they act. Izzie's life has changed forever, and Burke may not be able to operate again. Coping won't be easy. Merder Pen name changed was Daughter of the Bard
1. Keep On Keeping On

**Chapter One**

One thing common to all humans, or most at any rate, is that at some point in their lives they get sick. How they deal with it is another thing. For Meredith Grey it was simply something that happened to hinder her already complicated existence. As a child there were few times when she was nursed through illness as some children were. She had brief memories of her father tending to her, and once when her mother had been home to care for her when she had pneumonia, but she remembered being disappointed that day so perhaps it was a day when her mother had been planning to take off to spend time with her. There weren't many of those.

Illness often came to her whenever millions of other things in her life were going wrong, so it was no surprise to her that she awoke in the middle of the night three weeks after the doomed prom feeling as if she had been run over by a truck and eaten something poisoned.

"Welcome to my life," she said bitterly to Izzie when she was found, shaking and sweaty, in the bathroom at some point just before dawn. Izzie smiled slightly, which she was not doing often, and guided Meredith back to bed.

"No," Meredith protested, "I'm okay. I'm going to work."

"Shut up," Izzie deposited her on the bed and Meredith tried to get back up, but Izzie was already out the door calling to George that Meredith wasn't going to the hospital. Meredith rolled over and pulled a pillow over her head. She had sick days, and she could afford to stay home for one day, so she did not try that hard to get up. A day without the stress, the people... the problems…. Well she wouldn't mind. What she had not counted on was that Izzie was not about to leave her alone with her misery.

Izzie had not gone back on her resignation which she had delivered to the chief on the night that Denny died, but she had listened when George and Meredith told her that she did not need to let her medical knowledge go to waste. She was thinking about doing something with her time spent working with Addison, being an OB-GYN, but she had not applied for anything yet. The wounds were still fresh. She had enough put by that it was not necessary for her to worry yet. Most days she stayed at home being Izzie. The house was always impeccably cleaned, and Meredith had caught her one day attempting to go through the attic, but Meredith had forbidden it. She didn't want to see what was up there.

Meredith had not thought about what it would be like to be stuck at home with the desperate housewife in the flesh. An hour after George left Izzie bounced into the room with a tray complete with a flower in a small vase.

"How're you feeling?" she asked, setting the tray on the bed.

"Like you are completely insane." She caught a wiff of the smell of the bacon on the tray and her stomach turned over. "Seriously Izzie, take it out of here. Now!"

Izzie grabbed the tray and took it out into the hall, before coming back into the room and sitting in the chair by Meredith's bed.

"Surely you have something better to do than watch me be miserable?" Meredith asked. "You've seen plenty of it lately."

"Actually, no I don't."

An awkward moment passed in which Izzie looked out the window blinking fiercely and Meredith trying to think of something to say to distract her. She did not have to, because a second later Izzie turned back to her and smiled. There was still a hint of sadness in her eyes that had not gone away yet.

"Addison's back in her salmon colored scrubs," she ventured, but talking of Addison was difficult because it made her think of him. Suddenly, she felt sick again and burrowed down in her blankets and pulling the pillow over her face.

Izzie stood and announced, "I'll be right back." Meredith did not have the heart to tell her that she didn't have to come back. This was the most involved in anything Izzie had been in weeks and she was not about to quash her. Still, it reminded her of the Izzie she had seen during Christmas and she was worried that she was masking her pain with happiness again. Except that this time Alex was the only one who she would really talk to, instead of the only one she would not talk to.

When she returned she had a deck of cards in her hand and Meredith wanted to throw something at her. Instead she forced a smile and allowed herself to be subjected to ten games of War. After the tenth, however, she convinced Izzie that she was tired and was left alone to sleep, but she did not sleep. She sat up in bed and looked around the room, feeling suddenly very alone.

She wanted…. Something. She did not know what. Finn, maybe, but he was not hers any more. She hated to hurt him, but he deserved so much more than a confused girl who spent all her time slaving away at the hospital. Derek, definitely, but she could not bring herself to become his mistress and he was so indecisive about leaving Addison. Then of course there was the fact that she liked Addison and was not fond of the idea of hurting her. Instead she hurt herself. It had always been that way. Whenever, as a teenager, she thought she was hurting her mother by rebelling she was instead hurting her own chances. When she did not want to hurt Derek, and she tried to separate herself from him that had hurt her more than anything.

Maybe having time alone to think was not such a good idea. She got up and dressed, still feeling slightly queasy, and decided that the best place for her to be was at the hospital, where she could dive into work and forget her problems. The only kink in this plan was getting past the gatekeeper.

She managed to get to the door, but Izzie, standing in the kitchen baking (something else she had done a lot of in recent times) called out, "Freeze. Just where do you think you are going?"

Meredith sighed and blew a piece of her hair out of her eyes. "I'm going to work, Izzie, I'm fine, and I cannot afford not to. I can't stay here…. It gives me too much time to think. I need to be working."

Izzie studied her for a moment. "Fine, but I'm coming with you."

Meredith's jaw dropped. "Izzie, you haven't been to the hospital in weeks! Not since—" she stopped herself quickly but Izzie crossed her arms.

"You are not driving yourself, and when you realize you cannot work today someone will have to drag your sick ass home." Izzie sighed. "Besides, if you think you have too much time to think being home for two hours…." She trailed off and Meredith nodded.

"Okay. I understand."

* * *

Meredith was shaking as she put on her scrubs. She had managed not to get sick again and she thought she was over it. If she wasn't perfectly okay, she would be as soon as she got moving, she reasoned. She dashed out of the locker room and onto the surgical floor to track down Bailey. Her resident was with Cristina. They were looking at a patient's chart by the nurses' station, and Cristina sighted her first.

"Meredith what are you doing here?"

Bailey whirled around, her glare piercing Meredith. "Grey, what _are_ you doing here? O'Malley said you were sick, so you damn well better have been sick."

"I was sick," Meredith acknowledged, "But I'm better now. Much better. Being stuck in a house with Izzie all morning does that to a person."

Cristina snickered and Bailey shot her a look. "Yang, go tell Mr. Peterson that he can go home today and get those labs for Dr. Shepard."

Cristina rushed off obviously scowling at the thought of informing a family of news that might make them inclined to hug, and leaving Meredith with Bailey.

"Did you have a fever?" Bailey demanded as she began to walk. Meredith followed her.

"No."

"Come here." Bailey stopped and reached up to feel Meredith's forehead, Meredith had to bend slightly.

"You don't believe me?"

"You're an intern, Grey, you're all piranhas who'd lie about their eye color if it meant they got to cut. All right, go, you're doing sutures in the pit until I'm sure your not about to give the patients some disease stranger than what they already have."

Meredith rolled her eyes as Bailey walked off; heading towards the ER, then saw Addison Shepard walking down the same hallway. She ducked into an on call room until she heard the high-heeled footsteps pass her, and then walked on. _Coward, _she chastised herself, throwing a cautionary glance over her shoulder.

When she pushed the button for the elevator she had a momentary thought that he would be on it, but the doors opened to reveal only Callie.

"Meredith!" she said in surprise, "George said you were sick." Meredith sighed and began to go into the explanation, but Callie kept going. "Do you have a patient? I'm about to scrub in on a transtibial amputation and I could use an intern."

"I'm on sutures…." Meredith trailed off, wondering why Callie was being so nice to her. Sure, Callie and George were doing okay and they'd spent more time at Meredith's lately, but it was still slightly odd.

"Oh, come on. I'll tell Bailey you're with me."

"All right," Meredith said, not about to give up a chance at surgery, particularly a surgery she had never done before. She'd seen plenty from the galleries, but hadn't scrubbed in.

Callie went off in search of Bailey and Meredith headed to the OR. She felt better already. It had always been that way. She was much more likely to shake something if she was moving instead of just lying about. As she was scrubbing in she had a brief moment of dizziness, but she shook it off. She was probably just tired.

The surgery was not a terribly long one. Callie was good at what she did, that was for sure, and the leg was cleanly removed. It had been skewered by a rusty nail and the owner, a construction worker, had pulled it out and gone on with work. A stupid move. The infection spread quickly and when his wife finally dragged him into the ER it was too late for the leg. As Callie lowered the bone saw, she nodded to Meredith and guided her as it sawed the leg.

Meredith watched as Callie deftly closed the flap of skin over the place where the leg had been. "Will he be able to use a prosthetic leg?" she asked, as Callie disposed of her gloves.

"Most likely. The nerves were not as badly damaged as they could have been. He was lucky though."

"You're good at this."

Callie shrugged. "I've done a lot of amputations. I'm an orthopedic surgeon, Grey."

"How did you know? What you wanted to specialize in?" They were in the hallway by then.

"It just hit me one day. I was assisting on a hemispherectomy, and realized that I hate Neurosurgery. I wished that I was doing something orthopedic and I knew, that was what I wanted to specialize in." Meredith nodded. "You've got a while yet, anyway."

"Yeah. Yeah I do." Callie walked off to go and speak to the patient's family. Meredith went through the double doors to the main surgical floor and was face to face with Izzie, who was standing just beyond the red line.

"You scrubbed in?" She said incredulously.

"Yes, Izzie. I'm fine."

"Have you eaten?" Izzie put her hands on her hips and Meredith thought for a moment that she fancied herself her mother.

"No, Izzie, I was in surgery."

"You need to eat."

"And you need to go home," Meredith said, surprised that Izzie would set foot on

this floor in the first place.

"Grey, Dr. Torres finished?" Bailey had just come out from the doors behind Meredith. "Stevens. What are you doing here?"

"Trying to be my nanny," Meredith said through gritted teeth.

Bailey looked first at Izzie then Meredith then turned back to Izzie, "Just don't follow her into surgery. Grey, neuro needs an intern to monitor a kid with seizure activity, they need a doctor who can inject him to stop them, you up to it?"

"Neuro?" she asked, quietly and Bailey sighed.

"Not Shepard, Dr. Weir. There are other neurologists in this hospital, Grey. Now move!"

Meredith obeyed, shooting a look at Izzie. She caught Alex, who was still Addison's slave, on her way to the nurses' station to get the child's chart. "Alex, go take care of Izzie, she's here attempting to take care of me."

"She's _here?_" Alex said, raising an eyebrow.

"Why does that surprise you so much. Alex?" Izzie said, coming up behind them. Meredith dashed away, leaving Alex to contend with Izzie.

* * *

The little boy was six years old, and the hospital bed looked much too big for him. There were no parents in sight, but a McDonald's cup on his bedside made Meredith assume they had been there recently. She opened the chart to read his name: Timothy Paige.

"Hi there, Timothy. I'm Dr. Grey, Dr. Weir asked me to come hang out with you, is that okay?"

He nodded silently, his fingers rubbing the fur of an old teddy bear, rhythmically. He had curly black hair which was mostly covered by the monitoring device. She smiled at him and pulled up a chair next to his bed side.

"What's your bear's name?" she asked, kindly. He tugged his covers up, and she reached over to help him, gently moving toy cars off of the bedspread.

"Robear," he answered, after sizing her up for a moment.

"That's a nice name. Have you had Robear for a long time?" Meredith liked this child. She was not Cristina, she did not mind spending time with patients. Still, she did not have the over-attachment problems that Izzie had either, somehow she managed to balance the two.

"Since I was a baby. My first foster family gave him to me."

'Your first-?"

He nodded, reaching for a car and rolling it up and down the bed rail. "I've been in seven foster homes. The one I'm in now, they're nice, but they've got other kids so I'm by myself here lots. The nurses are nice though. Nurse Debby brings me chocolate."

Meredith smiled as she realized the reason for the uncommonly wise look in his big brown eyes. "How old are you, Timothy?"

"Six and a half. I'll be seven on Thanksgiving this year."

"Does that make you a turkey?" she asked, tickling him slightly.

"No! You're silly." He grinned, revealing places where two teeth had fallen out. "I like turkey though. Not on sandwiches. I saw a real one at the zoo once, and a real tiger too. My baseball team is called the tigers. Well, my old baseball team. I didn't get to join one again before I got seizures."

It seemed like a big word coming out of such a little mouth and Meredith sighed to herself. It wasn't fair that kids could get adult problems.

Suddenly the door to Timothy's room opened and Derek stood there. He did not see her at first, he just came in as chipper as he always was with children. "Hi there, Timothy, how are you today? I'm Dr. Shepard. Dr. Weir had to go home for the day."

"I'm fine," the boy said.

Derek washed his hands in the sink and then turned fully around to see Meredith sitting there. He seemed startled, and Meredith looked away to the get well card on Timothy's bedside table.

"You're watching him?" Derek asked as he shone a penlight into the child's eyes.

"Yes."

"Good. Okay. Timothy, Dr. Grey is going to stay with you for a while and when you have a seizure she'll tell me so that we can operate. Okay?"

He nodded, but Meredith saw his small face turn pale. When Derek left she took his hand. "Does the surgery scare you?" she asked.

"A little," he said, trying to be brave.

"Well, you have got some great doctors. I think that you will be just fine. And you can take Robear with you, if you want." He smiled and squeezed her hand.

She stayed with him for a while longer and talked to him about his foster family, his friends at school, books he had read. He was a very talkative child once he got over his shyness and he was in the middle of a very active description of the curse in Pirates of the Caribbean when he stopped talking and began to seize. She jumped up and grabbed a shot of Phenobarbital, which kept in an empty emesis basin above the sink. His thrashing stopped almost as soon as she pushed the drug into his IV and he opened his eyes.

She put a hand on his forehead and leaned down. "I'm going to go get Doctor Shepard, okay Timothy? I will be back in just a minute." He nodded and she ran to the nurses' station to have them page Derek.

He arrived within moments. It took him a little while to examine the test results. Meredith stood with Timothy, and the little boy grasped her hand tightly. When Derek came back in he was smiling but she could tell there was a hint of worry in his eyes.

"Okay, Timothy, we're going to do your surgery today, okay? And then your seizures will stop." The child looked up at Meredith who smiled at him and then nodded. "Call his parents, and you can scrub in if you want" he said to Meredith as he was leaving, without actually looking at her. She asked a nurse to make that call and stayed with the boy.

His foster parents looked like a nice couple and she left them alone with Timothy when they arrived and she saw Derek coming down the hall with the consent form. She was about to talk to him, but she felt suddenly sick again and ducked into the women's room just in time. She could hear him calling to her from the hallway, but she slid down the tiled wall of the bathroom and sat there until she heard him walk away. She was not about to let illness stop her; however, she simply splashed water over her face and kept going.

The surgery would not be immediate, Derek had two others scheduled, and so Meredith went down to the pit to do sutures so that she would not be put on some other case and miss the neuro. Derek or no, she was an intern. As Bailey said, they would do anything to scrub in.

Eight hours before morning, when the surgery was scheduled, she found an empty on-call room and attempted to sleep, but it was impossible. Instead she went to go check on Timothy. He was sitting up in bed, his foster mother sleeping in the chair beside him. Meredith was not surprised to find that he was still awake, and she pulled another chair over to his bedside and grasped his hands.

"You are a very brave boy," she said. "You know that?"

He shrugged.

"Trust me, you are. I'm a doctor. I know." He smiled a little. "Don't be afraid. Dr. Shepard's the best that there is and I'll be with you, okay?"

His lips moved in a silent okay, and he drifted to sleep. Meredith stayed in the chair by him until his foster mother began to stir. She was leaving, but the woman's voice stopped her at the door.

"Is it time?" she asked, her voice thick with sleep or tears, Meredith couldn't tell.

"Almost."

The woman nodded. She was young, with brown hair in a ponytail and jeans, her eyes were a bright blue and they glistened as she looked at the little boy. "We're going to adopt him, you know. As soon as he's out of the hospital; we've done all the paperwork. He will be okay, won't he? He's my son."

Her voice cracked and Meredith went back to the boy's bedside. "We will do everything we can for him. Der- Dr. Shepard is the best in the business."

The mother nodded. "Are you Dr. Grey? He likes you. You'll be in there with him?'

"Yes."

"Okay, good."

At that moment the nurse came in. "Dr. Grey? Dr. Shepard said to prepare him for surgery."

* * *

Meredith took Timothy's hand as it released his mother's when they crossed the red line. Derek's eyes met hers when they entered the OR, but she looked away, focusing on helping the scrub nurses transfer the small boy to the operating table. The bear was still tucked in his arm, and she gently removed it, placing it on a table in the far corner of the room.

She was surprised when Derek held the scalpel out to her to make the first cut, she did, nervously, and her mind automatically shifted to surgery and away from who was on the table. It stayed there as she watched Derek's precise work, as he removed the benign tumor that was causing the seizures. As he cut he allowed her to look in the scope, much as she had during her first surgery, the one on Katie Bryce.

It was only as Derek sewed the wound shut that she allowed herself to think of the wide eyes of the little boy who she had sat vigil by. She went over to the table where the bear lay and took a roll of gauze. Carefully she wrapped it around the bear's head, using scissors to cut two small holes for the ears. After the child was transferred back to a bed she tucked the toy under his arm. Derek smiled at her, but she looked away.

"He's s sweet boy," was all that she said.

"Do you want to go with me to tell the family?" he asked. She wanted to say no to going anywhere with him, but the fear in the face of Timothy's foster mother made her change her mind. She followed Derek to the waiting room where both foster parents sat, a baby in the arms of the father and two older children asleep in chairs.

The woman jumped up and looked at Meredith, who smiled.

"The surgery was successful," Derek informed them, "His seizures should be gone." Tears coursed down the woman's face as she threw her arms around Derek and then Meredith. The little children awoke and clapped their hands when they found out that Timmy was okay.

"Can I see him?" she asked.

"Yes, since he is so young you can go up to recovery. The rest of you can see him once he is brought back to his room. Nurse Debby will take you to the recovery wing, Mrs. Gregory."

Derek nodded to the nurse who took the woman's arm. Meredith smiled once more at the family and turned around. Derek stayed by her side, although she did not speak to him. As they were about to exit the room Meredith stumbled over nothing and felt suddenly weak. Derek grabbed her arm.

"Are you okay?" he asked, in that gentle voice that made her love him and hate him at the same time. "God, Meredith, you don't look well."

"Thanks. I just need to sit down," she murmured, sliding into a chair. "I'm okay, I-" she did not get to finish her sentence. Blackness was flitting on the edge of her vision and suddenly took it over. She slumped down in the chair, her head falling onto Derek's chest.


	2. If You're Not Strong

**Chapter Two**

Meredith began to surface from the void she had fallen into, and voices spun around her. She had a brief awareness of being lifted and a needle being jabbed into her arm, but the next thing she knew it was quiet, so she must have passed out again. She was smart enough to know that when she woke up the second time she was in a hospital bed. She could feel the needle of an IV in her upper arm and the stiff pillows she could not believe they gave patients under her head. The room was dark and she turned her head slightly when a rustling noise alerted her to the fact that someone else was in the room.

"I'm thinking that this would be a very bad time to say: 'I told you so'?" Izzie said from the chair next to the bed, and Meredith could tell from the smirking grin on her friend's face that she iwa, at least, not dying.

"Shut up," she said, pushing herself up with the arm that has no needle in it.

Cristina spoke from her left, "Seriously, Mer, don't you know: I'm the collapsing intern."

Meredith glared at her and allowed her head to flop back on the pillow. "Ow. You shut up too." She stared at the ceiling tiles for a moment to allow the complete memory of what happened to attack her. "I collapsed."

"Yes."

"On Derek."

"Yes."

"Damn it. Not exactly keeping my distance, is it?"

Cristina shook her head, "No. I definitely think that qualifies as 'up close and personal'."

"Why did I-?" She was interrupted by the door opening and Bailey coming in.

"You awake Grey?" she asked, and did not wait for an answer before continuing: "Stupid, stupid, stupid girl! Yang, Stevens, out."

"But-"

"You can't-"

Bailey put a hand on her hip and glared at them. They jumped up and left the room so quickly that Meredith nearly laughed out loud. When the door closed, Bailey shook her head and then turned back to Meredith. She reached over and flipped the light switch, the fluorescent lights flickered on and Meredith attempted to sit up, with a little bit more success this time.

"What," she paused, licked her lips and looked just over Bailey's left shoulder, "What happened, Dr. Bailey, exactly?"

"You were dehydrated, Grey, dehydrated and exhausted."

"But it hadn't been long enough…" Meredith paused. Bailey watched her, as if waiting for her to catch on. "Unless I'm…. I'm not am I?" the unspoken word was ringing in her ears just as if it had been said.

Bailey took a step closer to her; forced Meredith's gaze to meet hers and nodded slowly. Meredith's jaw did not drop, she didn't blink in surprise. Instead her breath caught, she felt for a moment that she couldn't breathe and Bailey went very slowly out of focus. She had been celibate. Sober and celibate. Completely. Until… the memory of the night with Derek, the prom, the haphazardness of it all. They had always been so careful, until that night. '_We're practically a condom ad…'_

"Grey? Grey?" She couldn't think, she could barely hear Bailey's voice, it seemed

to be coming from light years away, and then she was taken by the shoulders, Bailey was in her face. "Meredith? You all right?"

She was a lot of things at that moment, but all right was definitely not one of them. "Does he-? Who-?"

"No, he doesn't know. That's up to you. The way I see it, it's all up to you." Bailey turned towards the door. "We're keeping you here over night to get rehydrated and I don't want to see you again after that for at least four days, even if Stevens turns into the love child of Mary Poppins and Florence Nightengale, got it?"

Meredith nodded meekly, and rolled over, so that she was facing the wall with the window. The blinds were closed, but from the little bit of light peeking through she guessed that it was somewhere around mid-evening. Derek would, at least, be off-call by now. She heard Cristina and Izzie come in again, quietly.

"Meredith?" Izzie, asked cautiously. "What's wrong?"

For a minute she was not going to tell them. Then she remembered all the times that they had been there for her over the year that they had been interns together, remembered their protecting her after Addison showed up, after Derek did not pick her and especially the night of the bomb. Not telling people things had never exactly gotten her out of problems before either. If, for instance, she had told Derek she still loved him two months ago. Or if he had told her the night at the bar that he was running away from his wife, things might be different now. Come to think of it, lies were bad.

She took a deep breath and then murmured into her pillows, "I'm pregnant."

"What?" Cristina said, and although Meredith could not tell if she did not hear or was in shock she assumed the latter reaction and rolled over to face them. "I'm pregnant. Me. I am pregnant."

Neither woman said anything; they just walked over to her. Izzie took her hand and Cristina put a hand on her shoulder.

* * *

"Step away from that chart, mister!"

"Once again you forget: I am your boss."

"And I am her doctor, and when I say do not touch that chart, I mean it. She'll talk to you if she wants to."

"She isn't talking to me, Miranda. 'I need to sit down' is the most she's said to me in three weeks."

"And it's a damn good thing she said it!"

"She left the Vet. That means something, doesn't it? Okay. Fine. You won't answer my questions. Just tell me: is she okay?"

"That depends on how you define okay. Now I do not define okay as: I passed out (just after performing surgery) against the man who caused me endless amounts of pain. However, there are those who define okay as: I'm alive and not about to die any time soon that I am aware of; so take your pick."

"Is there _any_ chance you will tell me what's going on with her?"

"That is definitely not my story to tell. Now go home, where you should have been three hours ago!"

"You know, one would think you own this hospital."

"Don't be too sure I don't, Dr. Mc'I'm so stupid I can't see when I need to butt the hell out'."

"I'm still your boss!"

Insertlinebreakhere

Izzie walked down the halls of the hospital with the small bag of Meredith's things, which she'd retrieved from the locker room. She kept her eyes focused on the tile floor, with the green lines of tiles on the left and right defining her line of vision and the only horizon the next metal bump in the floor. If she did not look to either side, if she did not inhale, then the pain did not over take her and she could survive being in this building.

She had not planned on being here. She was going to stay in the waiting room and make Meredith check in with her at reasonable intervals. Just because she was the only one who could see that pushing yourself to the brink was not the way to lead a life did not mean she couldn't at least make sure her friends did not push too hard. It was only when she didn't see her for three hours that she worried and managed to bring herself to the surgical floor. Then Alex tried to distract her, paid for her to eat in the cafeteria and then convinced her to go home. Then George came home to say that Meredith had collapsed.

So here she was, back at the hospital, making sure that Meredith did not manage to kill herself somehow by staring at the ceiling for endless amounts of time. So long as she did not look up, did not meet the sympathetic eyes of the nurses she would be fine. Meredith was not even on the surgical floor, for goodness sake, and she could handle that. Still, when she reached the room she paused just outside the door to take a deep breath before entering.

"I brought your stuff!" she said, trying to be as cheerful as possible. Meredith turned her head slightly and nodded.

"Thanks."

"Do you want anything else?"

"No. Yes. I don't know. I think what I would like most in the world is for my life to be less complicated. Complications are messy. Complications can get surgeons sued, but you can't exactly sue anyone for life's complications, can you?"

It was, at least, the most she had said since Bailey left, but Meredith's rant hit a little too close to home for Izzie and she lost a little bit of the pep she had attempted to show. "No," she said, sliding into a chair. "No you can't."

Meredith turned to her. "I'm sorry, Izzie. I didn't mean to say that. I think you may still win at the 'whose life sucks more game'. Who am I to complain? Millions of women dream of finding out they're—well…. You know…"

Izzie did know. She knew very well. Meredith's predicament was achingly similar to what hers had once been. And honestly? She was not sure that she would win that game. Because being pregnant without knowing what to do definitely sucked. When she looked at Meredith she remembered the feeling of utter defeat and terror that she had felt when the stick turned blue.

Of course, Meredith was older than fifteen and had a few more resources than Izzie had had, but the terror would still be there. The complete unknown looming ahead. She should probably tell her all of this, but for just a minute she wanted to pretend that the complications in her life had not been riding down a slippery slope and she did not want her friends to know this. She did not want any more sympathy.

She took Meredith's hand again and smiled. "You know, Meredith, I think you may be inching towards the first place trophy in the game."

For some reason this made Meredith laugh hysterically. Izzie looked at her, bemused, definitely not getting the joke, until Meredith put a hand on her belly and calmed down enough to repeat: "Inching." It wasn't funny. Not really. But it was funny enough to relieve the tension and Izzie began to laugh too.

They were both still in hysterics when the door opened and George came in with a tray. "Bland diet courtesy of the hospital cooks," he said, then closed the door to reveal the three fast food bags behind his back. Izzie jumped up to help him set up the food, but glanced once more at Meredith to see that tears were running down her face. Izzie couldn't tell if they were from laughing or not.

"You up to it?" George asked Meredith, clearly referring to the food. He must have been surprised when she answered: "I hope so."

* * *

Meredith was lucky. Somehow, for perhaps the first time ever, she could see that. She was lucky to have the family that she did. George and Izzie had spent three hours with her, trying to cheer her up. George had been informed of the situation. There was no use in not doing it, since he was her roommate. He had looked shocked at first, but to his credit he got over it quickly enough.

Izzie had finally left, but only after making sure that someone in their little family was on-call. Cristina and Alex agreed to look out for Meredith, which made Meredith feel about two years old, at first, but when, near midnight, she saw Alex flash her a smile through the window looking out onto the floor she could not help but feel comforted. It was also a relief to know that Derek would not be on-call again until the next evening, long after she would be home.

Sleep was something that evaded her for most of the night, the fluids made her use the bathroom more often, and even without that she could not sleep. Her mind was going constantly, more constantly than it normally did. It was not that she was having a hard time 'accepting her reality' as they often said about patients. She understood perfectly. She and Derek had had unprotected sex, she hadn't spoken to him in weeks and now she was pregnant. She was having a baby and the father was Derek Shepard. That was her reality.

What she could not figure out was what she was going to do about it. There were the classic three choices: abortion, adoption or keeping it. Three choices that would ultimately change her life forever. Her life and her baby's life. She had never been good at choices. Going out to eat, she always let someone else chose the restaurant. Her mother's illness had chosen where she did her residency. Her mother's willingness (or unwillingness) to pay had decided where she went to college.

The last choice she had made on her own had been, in a nutshell, not to chose. That night, the night Denny died, she had been stuck between two men who she loved, two life styles, and she simply had not chosen:

"Meredith?" Derek said, looking at her in that way. The way that made her love him. And then there was Finn, looking dashing all dressed up, Finn who had plans and Derek who had ruined hers. She could not do it, she couldn't ride home with Finn without feeling incredibly guilty for what she had done to him, but Derek needed to make some decisions of his own before she would go with him. So, she did the only thing she could think to do. She walked away from both of them, and her walked turned into a run.

"Meredith!" They both called after her at the same time, but she could not look back, she just ran. Out the hospital doors and out onto the street. Her car was not there, she had given the keys to George to take Izzie home.

She ran to Joe's, but did not go in. This was not a night to end up back at her house drunk, instead she ducked into the waiting taxi that Joe must have called for someone else. She was about to give the driver her home address, but realized that he would already know it. He had driven her home several times before. At this realization she fell back against the headrest and put a hand to her forehead.

"You look nice tonight, pretty lady," the driver said. He was an elderly man with pictures of his grandchildren hanging off the rearview mirror. She could not bring herself to thank him for the compliment, could only think of the stunned faces of Derek and Finn as she left them there. She did not know which was worse. Finn did not have anyone but her, but she was not good enough for him. She could not love him in that way. Derek had Addison, but he did not love her.

The cab ride was surprisingly short, and she fumbled with her wallet for a minute, finding it increasingly difficult to focus on the numbers on the bills. She finally handed him the correct change and made her way up the driveway to the house. There were not any lights on except for the kitchen one, but Alex's car was parked in the street just out front.

George was sitting at the kitchen table, but he jumped up when he saw her. "Meredith, are you—do you need any help?"

"I'm not drunk, if that's what you're asking," she shot at him, sliding onto the stool by the counter. "Seriously George, I'm not that self-centered and caught up in my own problems."

"I didn't—I'm sorry. That was kind of judgmental."

She sighed. "No. I shouldn't have snapped at you. It's just all so hard, you know? My dog died today. Denny died today. I may have killed at least one relationship today, not to mention mine." She took a breath. "How's Izzie?"

"She's asleep." It was not George, but Alex who answered her. He walked into the room, and when she looked at him in the dim light she thought he looked more than tired. He looked drained. His jacket was draped over his arm and his shirt was rumpled. "She cried herself out and fell asleep." He closed his eyes tightly and took a breath. "I'm going to stay here tonight. I'll sleep on the couch. I just need to go home and get some stuff." He dug his keys out of a pocket and disappeared out the door, and it slammed after him.

He didn't bother to ask Meredith if it was okay, but she understood. That was not how Alex operated. He needed to feel in control, and there was so little that they were in control of that they didn't care. The kitchen was quiet for several minutes after he left, the only sound was the owls hooting outside and the dishwasher, which automatically turned on.

Meredith did not look at George, she was afraid. She was afraid that what she had just done, this new terrible thing, would be written all over her face. George knew her, he could read her. However, she was not ready to go face the dark of her room alone, so she just sat there.

"Camille looked happy," George said, breaking the silence so suddenly that Meredith had to work hard not to jump. "It was nice to watch her dance with the chief. She's a pretty girl. Dr. Montgomery-Shepard said she'll do everything she could for her, but there's not much hope. It's not really fair."

The sound of Addison's name made Meredith flinch and she turned her head suddenly to face George, who was sitting on the counter next to the sink. "George, what part of tonight has given you the slightest indication that life is fair? Denny's dead, Izzie quit the program, my dog is dead. Life is going to change forever and all you can say is 'it's not really fair'?"

She expected him to give her that wounded puppy look that she was so used to seeing from him, but he didn't. Instead he ran a hand through his hair and turned to her. "No. That's not all I can say. What I can say is that tragedies come when we least expect them, and that nothing ever turns out the way we plan. That life is completely unpredictable and scary. That we're all rolling around like pin-balls in a broken machine. Because that's the way I am feeling right now. But I cannot feel that way, because I believe in things like karma; and good things for good people. So I don't really want to say that. You see?"

"Yeah. I do see. I'm sorry. Again. And I'll stop saying that."

George smiled at her and hopped off the counter. "I'm going to go to bed. Anything you need?"

She was touched by this generosity. She didn't deserve it and it was so George. "Yes," she admitted. "This is going to sound horribly selfish and as if I don't have any sympathy for any one else and like I think the world revolves around me, which it definitely doesn't and—"

"Meredith, what is it?"

She spun around to face him, putting one hand on the table and reaching out to touch his sleeve with the other. "George, I…. I need a hug."

Without saying any thing, he stood up and put his arms around her, drawing her to him. Suddenly the weight of everything that had happened hit her, and she started to cry.

In her hospital bed, alone, she started to cry again, but there was no one to hear her, except her baby, developing slowly in her womb.

* * *

Meredith was released early the next morning, and wheeled out of the hospital by George. She didn't fight the wheelchair, partially because it was protocol, but she was also tired. She was not sure if she had slept more than two hours the night before. Izzie took her arm and walked her into the house where she promptly fell onto the couch and fell asleep until after noon.

The next day, her fatigue was relenting enough to let her wander around the house in search of something to do, and the morning sickness was not as bad as it had been the first day. It was enough that she could eat and drink enough to make her warden… Izzie… satisfied. It reminded her of the other days she had spent at home in search of something to do after the eighty hour work day laws had been passed. Everything she normally did on those days now Izzie had already done.

By the third day she was going absolutely stir-crazy. When Izzie was downstairs doing the laundry she dove for the phone and mentally ran through the on-call schedule. Cristina would be off. She dialed the number, throwing a shoe against the door to her room so that it would close all the way.

"Hello?"

"Cristina?" she hissed, "It's Meredith."

"Meredith? Are you okay? Why are you whispering?"

"Because the dragon might wake up. Any chance you could lure her away?"

"Me? Distract Izzie?"

'Yeah, okay, bad idea. Well can _I _come over there? What are you doing?" there was a sudden sound from the other end.

"Burke just came home today, and he refuses to admit that there are things he's better off letting me do."

"Oh. Sorry, I forgot. If you want me to not bother you-."

She heard Cristina sigh. "No, Mer, it's okay. Can you get over here or do you need-?"

"I can drive Cristina. I'm far from being an invalid. I'll be there in half an hour. I owe you one."

She hung up the phone and headed downstairs. "I'm going to Cristina's! Burke's coming home and she needs a hand!"

Izzie popped into the hallway, a laundry basket in her arms. "Oh? I'll come with you!"

"No!" Meredith said, probably too suddenly. "I'll be back in a little while. Don't worry about it!" She was out the door before Izzie could say anything else. She knocked on the door to Cristina's apartment and heard a scuffling sound then Cristina saying: "Would you just sit down?"

Meredith could not help but smirk, but quickly wiped it away when the door opened. "Hey," she said, walking past Cristina into the apartment. It was a mess. It was obvious that in the few weeks that Burke had not been allowed out of the hospital that Cristina had fallen into her old ways of messiness. There was a bottle of Windex sitting on the windowsill that showed that she had at least attempted to clean up, but there had not been much progress. "You need Izzie in here. Seriously, she would have it cleaner than anyone ever could dream of in a day."

Cristina glared at her, but Burke spoke from the couch. "We may take her up on that. Hello there, Meredith."

Meredith turned to him. Burke wore a burgundy bathrobe over blue pajamas and he looked as collected as ever when she went over to kiss his cheek. Cristina stood in the center of the kitchen, her black shirt and jeans a contrast to the scrubs which Meredith had seen her in constantly for weeks. Cristina had obviously spent more time at the hospital with Burke than at home.

Meredith sat in an armchair and there was silence for a moment until Burke spoke again, "Would you like something to drink, Meredith?"

"Water, I guess," she said, and Burke moved to stand up.

"I'll get it!" Cristina broke in quickly, lunging to the refrigerator. Burke sat back, turning his head away, but Meredith could see that he was annoyed.

"No, don't. I'll get it." She got up and went into the kitchen with Cristina. She opened a cabinet to get out a glass and saw that only a single glass and plate remained clean, she looked at Cristina who only shrugged. Meredith got water and stood there for a second before asking: "This is going to sound weird, but do you have any olives?"

Cristina raised an eyebrow but pointed to the refrigerator. Meredith got the jar and found a semi-clean spoon with which to scoop out two olives which she popped in her mouth.

"Okay, Mer, ew. No offense, but ew." Cristina said, coming over and taking the olive jar from Meredith's hand.

"Did I complain when you cleaned out my sour cream and onion potato chips?" Meredith demanded lunging for the olives.

"Drink your water."

"Fine." Meredith went back into the living room to see Burke laughing silently at them. Laughing, knowingly. She spun on Cristina. "Did you tell him?"

Cristina nodded guiltily.

"Cristina!"

"Relax, Grey, I won't tell anyone." Burke said, raising his good hand to calm her. "Sit down."

Meredith sat down and crossed her arms. "The whole hospital is going to know."

"You can't exactly _hide_ it. That is, unless…" Cristina trailed off, perching on a chair and peering at Meredith.

Meredith put her face in her hands and took a deep breath. "I can't Cristina. I can't do that. It's not religious, or anything. I just can't. I don't know why, but I just feel that if it happened there has got to be some kind of reason."

To her surprise, Cristina nodded. "Okay." She said. Meredith was kind of surprised. Cristina had been so sure of her own choice that Meredith had somewhat expected her to assume that Meredith would make the same one.

"Okay," she repeated, sitting back in the chair. "Okay."

A/N thanks so much for all the great reviews!


	3. I Know It's Serious

"Grey, if I don't see a bottle of water in that hand at all times today, I will personally chase you around this hospital with a banana bag!" Bailey called after her as she went down to the pit to while away the hours of her first shift back on suture duty. In response Meredith waved the water bottle that she was already holding at her and rushed into the half-open elevator. From behind her she heard brief laughs from people, but she forced herself to look straight ahead. They did not know anything, so their laughter was completely immaterial.

Or at least that's what she tried to tell herself.

She felt like she should be annoyed at Bailey for putting her in the pit, but she was not. She wasn't going to complain, because to complain was to explain, but she was still tired and sick. That was not about to change for a few weeks.

She gave the nurse in the ER her name and went to the first curtain. It was only six o'clock, so most of their cases were people who had either been there all night and been pushed back by traumas, or who had just wandered in near dawn, still half-drunk.

She _would_ get the latter.

The guy obviously had some kind of respectable job, but his tie was ripped in half and his hair, probably normally perfectly gelled, was completely askew. Worse than that, he looked vaguely familiar, and obviously recognized her.

"Good morning, Mr. Stanton, I'm Dr. Grey and I will be suturing up that wound for you." She reached for his arm and opened the suture kit. As she disinfected it, she could feel his eyes on her.

"You're," he said, squinting at her, "You're the girl from Joe's."

She froze, mid-stitch, but did not respond. As she tied off the sutures she looked at him more closely. Of course. The one Izzie and George had christened: Hairy Back Guy. And that was not an image she needed while she sewed up laceration. Quickly she put the gauze pad over the stitches and taped it down.

"Okay, Mr. Stanton, you're good to go. And I do mean go." Still staring at her, he stumbled off the table and went up to the main lobby of the ER, leaving a fragrance of stale beer behind him that made Meredith wrinkle her nose.

"So, to exactly how many men in Seattle are you known as 'the girl from Joe's'?" someone said at the exact moment Meredith was attempting to figure that out in her head. She whirled around and saw Derek facing her from the other side of the curtained area. Without saying a word to him she got up and went to the next patient needing sutures.

"Good morning, Mrs. Reynolds, I'm Dr. Grey and I'll be doing your sutures today."

She sat down on the stool and had just spun to the other side of the woman when Derek came into the room.

"Meredith, stop running away from me. We need to talk."

"Dr. Shepard, right now is not a good time." She looked up at him pointedly, and then smiled at the patient. She had two wounds, one on either side of her arm that had come from a broken coffee cup.

Meredith finished sewing the first las and was sliding around the table to get to the second when Derek put a hand on her shoulder. "Okay, curiously, when is a good time? When you're in surgery? When you're rounding? Or when you are running out of this hospital so fast that I can't get to you with your posse guarding you?"

Meredith arched an eyebrow and turned to look at him. "Did you just say posse? Cristina, Izzie and George are my posse? Is Alex the sheriff? Because I don't think he'd accept anything less. Okay Mrs. Reynolds you can go." She snapped off her gloves and stood to face Derek.

"Maybe they're more like bodyguards," Derek conceded, crossing his arms and leaning on the examining table.

"Look, Derek, I-" she paused to push a piece of her hair, which she was wearing down, out of her face. "I want to talk to you. But you need to make some decisions first, okay? Because you are still married, and I-I," she sighed and said in a low voice, "I love you. But I cannot be the one waiting forever for you to make up your mind."

With that she spun around and put her gloves in the trash.

From behind her she heard him say quietly: "Okay, I understand. Thank you. For talking to me."

Meredith paused for a minute, but could not bring herself to turn and smile at him, because he would be there looking gorgeous and hurt and she couldn't because she would run over and kiss him. That had hurt, but it had to be said and so she said it. She was getting better at that.

"Good morning, Mrs. Johnson, my name is Dr. Grey and I will be doing you sutures today."

* * *

Meredith was gone, George was gone, even the stupid dog was gone. Being this alone made Izzie think about the worst part of being alone, the biggest thing she had lost, and she could not bear that. At five in the afternoon on the third day that she had been left alone after Meredith went back to work she sat on the couch with absolutely nothing to do. She had done everyone's laundry, cleaned the house, made brownies, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the oven, thought about what Meredith would say if she suggested repainting the living room and then found herself with absolutely nothing to do.

It had happened before, happened in the three weeks before Meredith found out that she was pregnant, but for the past week Izzie had had other things to occupy her mind. She knew that she was annoying, but just having someone else in the house, someone to talk to, gave her a distraction. Now she had no one, and Denny's face popped into her conscious.

It wasn't that she didn't think of him, of course she did, he was a constant presence in her life, but if she worked hard enough she could control the might-have-beens and she would stop thinking that she could have been planning a wedding, her wedding, thinking about her children. At moments like this it just became too much. She had already had to give up one child, and now she had to give up all of her dreams with Denny, dreams that had included a life together, children, a home. It was too much for her to bear and she would lose herself.

As the sun began to set, lighting the room with an orange glow that reminded Izzie of fire, and just then fire to her meant destruction, she sat on Meredith's couch staring at the empty TV screen and felt her throat constrict. Tears prickled around her eyes and the pain in her throat grew until she let out a sob. She put a hand to her mouth, but no one was home to see her. She grabbed a throw pillow and wrapped herself around it as the tears coursed down her face. She told herself that she should not lose control like this, that Denny would not want it, but she simply could not help herself.

Her body began to shake as she sobbed, and she knew that everything she had bottled up for weeks was coming out. She did that, bottled things up; three months after her father died it was her mother found her in a corner of her closet in tears. She lay down on the couch and clutched the pillow to her chest, gasping for breath.

She was not expecting for the front door to open and Meredith to come in. Meredith ran to her, kneeling by the couch and brushing Izzie's hair from her face. "Izzie? Izzie, it's okay. Shh." Meredith got up and ran to the kitchen and Izzie heard water running. She came back with a glass of water, and helping Izzie sit up, thrust it into her hands. Izzie drank and slowly her sobbing subsided and she could breathe again.

"Thanks," she said her voice slightly hoarse.

"Don't mention it. The healing powers of water. Bailey's been drilling me on them."

Izzie snorted and the tears came again, Meredith put an arm around her shoulders and with the other reached to grab a handful of Kleenex. Izzie wiped her face off.

"Meredith, I'm sorry I've been so… peppy lately. I just-"

"I know. I haven't been very supportive. You just seemed to be handling it so well. Too well, I guess." Meredith sighed. "Izzie, I owe you for all you've done for me since we started this crazy adventure, and my guess is we're going to need each other even more in the next few months. So no more secrets, okay?"

Izzie nodded. "Yeah. Okay."

"Good. I slept with Derek."

"What?"

"The night of the prom…. Before everything happened. I _was_ celibate, until then. That's why I left Finn. Because now I'm really a dirty mistress. I'm a pregnant dirty mistress."

Izzie shook her head. "You really go all the way…. So as long as we're being thirteen and sharing secrets," Meredith laughed. "I need something to do. I'm going to go crazy staying here."

"I know." Meredith grinned, "And I have an idea. How would you like to go see my mother with me?" Seeing Izzie's doubting look she continued, "Mom's lonely too."

Izzie thought about it for a second. Ellis Grey was a surgeon, a great surgeon, but Meredith was right. She was lonely, and Meredith did not get to see her that much. What could it hurt? Meredith stood above her, her hand outstretched and Izzie took it. "Okay. Sure."

At that moment the door banged open and George came in. "I know I'm normally a nice guy, but I cannot stand that guy in 422! You'd think someone who just found out they didn't need a heart transplant could be a little nicer!" he turned to them, saw both Izzie and Meredith standing there, and his face softened. "Sorry, Izzie," he said.

Izzie looked at Meredith who also seemed to be eyeing her cautiously. "Come on," Izzie said. "Let's go."

There had been a flutter at the mention of a heart transplant, but only a flutter. At that moment she realized that she was going to be okay.

* * *

Cristina was not a people person. Well, normally. There were people that she could deal with: mainly her friends and Burke. That was why they were her friends. This was a new development, however, because for a very long time Cristina did not have friends. It was one of the things that her mother always said, right along with: "Why don't you bring a good looking boyfriend home" was "Why don't you have any nice friends?"

There was also a time when she would not have been friends with someone like George O'Malley, too much of a kiss-up and a washout. But George had proved himself, in her opinion he was a decent guy, he could make her laugh, he had integrity. At the beginning she had not liked Izzie either, and could not believe when she fell for a patient, but she worked hard, as Cristina did, and she was… Izzie. You had to like Izzie, after a while.

Her friendship with Meredith made sense. In the beginning it may have had to do with the fact that Meredith's mother was Ellis Grey and Cristina thought that she would have an edge; that they could work off of each other, which they did. Meredith was good. But it was more than that. Meredith was sarcastic and made bad choices, but she was a good friend and loyal.

The fact remained that Cristina had friends who had uses other than gaining power. It was new for her. And then there was Burke. She loved him, and she did not know why, could not explain it. She loved him with a passion that made her feel ways that she did not understand and this scared her. Originally she may have been attracted to her for his skill, and his grace in the OR, but there was something more to him. His spirit. Since when did she even believe in spirit?

All of that aside, this was why it was so hard for her to watch him struggle. Every morning she awoke to the sounds of him dressing himself, fumbling with zippers and shoelaces. He never accepted her help. So she would make breakfast. She hated making breakfast, but it was better than watching him drop pots and try to break eggs.

"I'm not a child, Cristina," he snapped at her once, when she poured his milk for him.

"No," she agreed, but continued to hold the pitcher.

He got physical therapy and she drove him on her day off. Derek said he would be able to drive as soon as he gained a little more control over the tremors, but Cristina was not sure. On the other days he called a cab. She worried. She did not like worrying.

One night, after they made love and lay in bed next to each other, Cristina listened to his ragged breathing and began to speak into the darkness.

"If I'm treating you like… well like some kind of invalid, you can think two things. One: I get it from my mother. You saw her when I was in the hospital. Enough said. But the other part is more true. I love you. It's weird, but that means I worry about you. It's not because you may not cut again. It's because you're you and you're perfect and self-sufficient and that's what I admire about you, but it's not the only reason I love you. So pride is great and all, and don't worry about losing it. Because I know you. And you practice."She rolled over and put her head on his chest, murmuring: "You practice."

It was a very long ramble, but she knew he understood. He was the only one who understood her, even when she was rambling like crazy. He reached up with his good hand and twirled a lock of her unruly hair around his finger.

"I love you," he said, and she tried to remember the day when she had not wanted to hear those words from him. She couldn't; not really. She could not recall the feeling. She liked this one better.

Insertbreakhere

"Mom? This is Izzie. She's a friend of mine, and she'll be visiting you sometimes. Won't that be nice?"

"Is she an intern? I need an intern stat, I've got a craniotomy scheduled at five and I need someone to do my labs."

"Mom, it's me. Meredith."

"Meredith! You should be in school! My God, I pay enough for that place for you to attend every now and then."

"It's…. it's a holiday, Mom. But Izzie's not an intern she—"

"Where do you need the labs taken Dr. Grey?"

"Izzie!"

"Meredith, you've said it yourself, she's hardly ever lucid. You might as well play along."

"Doesn't it bother you? The intern thing I mean?"

"Here Meredith, so long as you're here, take these labs down to the chief. Did you get that report card yet?"

"Why Mom? It won't be good enough for you anyway."

"Meredith!"

"Izzie, it's what I would have said. It would only confuse her if I didn't. Mom, I'm sorry that was harsh. I get it in a week."

"Get what Meredith? Who's this? A friend of yours?"

"Mom? Are you-?"

"Richard came to see me today. Adele knew, all along. Perceptive woman. How's that Vet of yours?"

"I left Finn, Mom. This is Izzie; remember I told you about her? She's going to visit you some times, okay?"

"If she must. Does the whole world know, now Meredith?"

"No, Mom. I'm going to try and come by more often too, okay? Izzie doesn't mean you're getting rid of me."

"Would someone please get me a suture kit? This kid's going to bleed out if we don't sew this shut!"

"You see? It only lasts a few minutes. I wish…. I wish I had been here more when she was lucid. But there was always some surgery."

"Meredith, I know. It's okay. Come on, let's go home. I'll come back soon Dr. Grey."

"I'll need those chest films stat!"

* * *

Meredith swam. Not many people knew it, but as a child she had always been on one swim team or another. It was her father who had first taken her to a pool, long ago, but her mother had encouraged the hobby. She felt that Meredith always had to be the best, but there was not the pressure that came with her mother's demands. Swimming was about beating your personal best, not being compared to others. Really though, she just loved the feeling of moving in the water, of being free.

This was why on the morning of her first day off, when she probably should have been sleeping, she drove herself to the Y to use their pool. It was the only reason she kept up a membership. As soon as her face broke the crystal clear water her problems seemed to wash away. It had always been that way. The day she found out that her mother had Alzheimer's she had made her way stoically to the university pool.

Really, she thought, most of her problems would not have started had the pool been closer to the hospital than Joe's.

As she swam thoughts coursed through her mind. That stupid prom had her thinking about high school more and more, and the most recent visit with her mother had not helped matters. She had ditched her high school prom, but had gone to an after party with some senior guy who managed to get into her pants. She never dealt well with parties where you were expected to mingle and make small talk. It was how she had ended up at Joe's after the intern's mixer.

And look where that had gotten her.

Touching the side of the pool after a lap she told herself to banish him from her thoughts. She took out her furious energy on the water, digging into it as if she were digging into her problems. She had to start thinking about the long term. Raising a child on her salary wouldn't be a problem, she supposed, her mother had done it. There was of course the issue of time. As she had said countless times since the start of her internship: the hospital owned her. She would be into her residency by the time it was born, and there was the onsite day-care. George and Izzie would help, she supposed, although she did not want to be dependent on them.

She did not want to be dependent on anyone. It was as she wrapped herself in a towel and thought that that she realized that all of her plans involved her doing this on her own. She wanted Derek, but he still had not shown much of a sign of having decided to leave Addison. Her feelings on this fluctuated. Some days she hated him for not choosing her already, if he so obviously loved her. Then again, Addison was his wife and they had obviously been in love at some point.

She did not want to spend her whole life waiting for him to make his choice. She drove home with that knowledge nestling in her brain and she became centered. She knew that she could handle whatever was going to happen next.

When she walked into the house she had not expected to see anyone moving around, it was still early morning and George slept in for hours when he was not working. Izzie had taken to staying in bed longer lately too. It surprised Meredith to see them sitting in the living room with Callie.

Callie stood when she saw Meredith and came up to her as Meredith put her keys on the hook by the door.

"Meredith, I'm so sorry. Shepard's a jackass."

Meredith looked at Callie's face, looking oddly sympathetic for Callie who was normally so tough, then looked over the other woman's shoulder at George. "You told her?" she asked, storming past Callie into the living room. "You _told_ her?"

"Meredith, she's not going to tell anyone!"

"That is not the point! The point is: this is my life, my news, and if the whole entire hospital knows before he does it is not going to help me any!" She advanced on George and pulled him up by his shirt. "No telling anyone, understand?"

George nodded. "Okay. Gotcha."

"Whoa, steamed Meredith. Go on, beat O'Malley to a pulp, you know you want to." Meredith let go of George's shirt and whirled on Alex who stood in the doorway with a cereal bowl in his hand.

"You? You think this is all a joke, don't you?"

"Meredith—"

"No Izzie! I am not some poor little woman who got herself knocked up by her boss! This was just as much my fault as his, and as for Alex's attitude…. Here's the deal, you guys are the only ones I have that I need to believe that I can handle this. That involves not mocking me and not pitying me. Okay?"

There was a stunned silence when she finished this rant, and she looked around at their faces before collapsing in a chair. There was a moment's pause and then everyone went back to what they had been doing. To Meredith's surprise Alex thrust a bowl of cereal into her hands. She looked up at him, but he just shrugged and went to sit on the couch by Izzie.

Insertlinebreak

Late that night, Meredith lay on her bed staring up at the ceiling. She had done a lot of that lately, probably more than was healthy, but it was quiet. She had an old Duran Duran CD playing and the music made her feel sixteen again. It reminded her of high school, but of the few good times that there had been. There was a knock at the door and when she called for whoever it was to come in, expecting George, she was surprised to see Izzie.

"You okay?" Meredith asked, pushing herself up on an elbow.

"Yeah," Izzie replied, sitting on the edge of the bed. She glanced over at the lamp, and then back at Meredith. "Meredith? There's something I've never told you; never told any of you actually. But I figured you should know. What you were saying this morning, about not pitying you—."

"Izzie, it's okay, don't worry about it."

Izzie held up a hand. "Just let me talk, okay?" Meredith nodded and pushed herself up on her pillows. "When I was fifteen I met this guy. Robert Mitchell. He saw me as a pretty girl, and I thought he was amazing. Big man on campus, basketball star. So when he asked me out I didn't think twice. My mom was working. She didn't even know I went out. We went to dinner, a movie… and the backseat of his car."

Meredith nodded, knowingly, that about described her first date too. And her second.

"He never spoke to me again, but that Monday it was all over the school that I was a whore; that I was easy. I tried to ignore it. I was always getting crap for living in a trailer park and working at the diner. But then…. " She took a breath and pulled a small picture out of her pocket. "Meredith…. This is my daughter."

Meredith took the picture. A little blonde-haired girl, Izzie's hair, with bright blue eyes. "Izzie," she breathed. "She's beautiful."

"She's six there. She'd be twelve now, but the family moved and didn't send me an address. They adopted two other kids…. My mom didn't want me to give her up, but I wanted more than motherhood at sixteen." She laughed bitterly. "I wanted to be a doctor."

Meredith put a hand on Izzie's arm. "You are a doctor. You're a great doctor." She lay back and looked at the ceiling again. "So you know what it's like? To be—I mean…"

"Yeah. I know. I didn't know that you were, that first day, but yeah. I know." She took Meredith's hand. "Mer, you need to tell him. He will find out any way."

Meredith took a deep breath. "I know. I will. Just not now. Not yet. I need to be stronger before I do it."

Izzie stood up. "I understand. Do you mind if I go see your mother tomorrow?"

"Go ahead. She needs the visitors. Don't be surprised if the Chief is there too, he goes in the mornings."

Izzie looked surprised, but did not say anything.

As the door closed after Izzie, Meredith closed her eyes and gradually fell asleep. She dreamed of her baby, of sitting at a table with a baby in a high-chair and Derek there next to her holding her hand. When she awoke there were tears on her cheeks.

"Damn it," she whispered into the darkness. "I was so sure that I could do it without him."

A/N I go out of town Wednesday through Sunday, I'll try to update once before that though! Thanks for all of your great reviews!


	4. For One More Day

**Chapter Four**

"Meredith, you have to go see a doctor." Meredith raised an eyebrow at Cristina and flipped open the chart she was holding. "Not the She-Shepard, obviously."

"And here I was thinking that that would be a brilliant idea." Meredith sighed. "Okay, so I probably do. But I've never been good with doctors, why should I start now?"

"Oh, I'd say you're pretty good with doctors." Both women looked up to see Alex leaning against the nurses' station. Cristina took one look at him and set off to check on a patient. Meredith stayed where she was examining the chart of a fifty year old man who was going in for a bypass. Dr. Hahn had been persuaded to work part time at Seattle Grace, since, although her relationship with Burke was strictly competitive, it still threw her that a colleague had had such a major blow. Meredith also happened to know that the Chief had offered her good money to do it. Burke, although wanting to work again as soon as possible, was at least satisfied that a competent surgeon had his back.

Meredith looked down at the chart, looked up at Alex and glared at him, then marched off towards the patient's room without saying a word. She could hear Alex laughing behind her.

As she rode the elevator up to the main surgical floor, she decided that Cristina was probably right seeing a doctor was a good idea. After what had happened to Cristina she did not want to take any chances.

When she entered the next patient's room (one of Addison's) to start the pre-op she was sleeping, and she started the exam gently, no point disturbing her too soon. As she did the exam her mind drifted back to that morning, when she'd had an encounter of the Derek kind. She knew that she should have been avoiding him, one false word, one hand placed on her belly in the protective manner that was coming more and more naturally, and he would figure it out. However, there was something about seeing his smile in the morning that she was unable to resist.

"You're dripping," he said as he walked through the automatic doors behind her. He reached out a finger and flicked a lock of her hair out from under the collar of her jacket. Sure enough, water dripped from the end of it. She had come directly from the pool to work. The morning sickness was abating, but there was something about getting moving as soon as she awoke that made it better and she still could not shake the memory of Cristina's surgery and the word "jogging" flashing into her brain.

"That's what happens when you swim," she said, in response to Derek. "You get wet."

"It's not even raining. We're in Seattle, it's not even raining, and you still manage to be dripping. You're permanently water logged. No one ever told me that was a symptom of living here."

She stopped walking, turned to him, shook her head and continued on. "What?" he caught up with her. "Hey, stop. There's something in your ear." She sighed and stopped as he put his finger to her ear and then quickly withdrew it, a quarter in his hand.

"You've been practicing," she commented, smirking at the memory of the time he tried to do that for a four-year-old patient and had dropped the coin when he flipped his hand over.

They were at the elevator, and Cristina, who had entered just behind Derek, gave Meredith a pointed glance before eyeing the stairs. Meredith moved to follow Cristina to them, elevators with Derek were dangerous, but she could not bring herself to want to climb them voluntarily that morning. Maybe she was physically tired, or maybe she was tired of punishing herself.

Whatever it was, she stepped over the metal threshold of the elevator. As she did she looked up to see Derek watching her. "Was that so bad?" he asked, in a tone he had used for countless patients, one designed to sooth, to placate. One that she should have found patronizing, but she couldn't, all she could do was shake her head, and turn away from him to face the closed doors. Completely unconsciously her hand went to her belly. Cristina quickly tapped her on the shoulder and she moved it within seconds.

Now, in the patient's room, she made the same gesture, just as the patient began to stir.

"When are you due, dear?" the lady asked.

"Oh, I'm not—." The door opened and in came Addison. All Meredith could do was shake her head as much as she could without the doctor noticing and hope against hope that the woman saw it. To her surprised the woman nodded to her, and Meredith began tightening the blood pressure cuff to hide her shaking hands.

"How're we doing here?" she asked, opening the chart that Meredith had placed on the counter beside the door.

"Fine. I've checked the vitals and everything is stable."

"Good. Now Mrs. Nethers, you know the risks associated with this hysterectomy?"

The patient nodded and said, "Call me Alice."

"Okay, Alice. How about you, Doctor Grey? The risks and complications?"

"Onset of menopausal symptoms, hormone imbalance, possible loss of sex drive, fever, nausea and vomiting, difficulty urinating, infection, damage to organs, blood clots and internal bleeding." Meredith passed, certain that Addison wouldn't want her to continue to add to the laundry list, but an arched red eyebrow was lifted, so she continued, "Breathing and heart problems, transfusions, haematoma and drug allergies. Not to mention the risks brought on by general anesthesia consistent with any surgical procedure."

"Okay. Good. Any questions Alice?"

The woman shook her head, giving Meredith a smile. "No honey, I'm not worried a bit. I've always had full faith in my doctors and they've never done me wrong."

"Okay then. I'll see you in the OR."

The door closed behind Addison, and Alice whispered to Meredith: "Don't worry dear, I'll keep your little secret."

Meredith smiled and took the woman's hand. "Thank you very much. I'll do my best to make sure your faith in us doctors is not misplaced, how does that sound?"

* * *

George wasn't as inexperienced as most people thought. He knew that people always thought that he seemed incompetent as a doctor, and definitely not a paramour, but the fact was he was a good doctor and had had his share of sexual encounters. He knew things. Like he knew that Meredith did not love him. She thought that he was the naïve, innocent George, the one who had unknowingly gotten syphilis, the one who did not know any better. But he did.

It was worse when people thought he was gay. Maybe it was his facial structure, or something, he wasn't sure, but people always assumed that he was the type who preferred other men. That was far from the truth. What was more, was that George was generally attracted to bad girls. His first time, at sixteen, had been with Vivian Waters, the school rebel chick. She had bright blue hair and a tongue ring, but she also had problems. Her parents divorce had sent her mother into a drunken stupor for, basically, the rest of her life.

George was a listener. George could keep secrets and somehow the science dork in the front row became the confidant of Vivian Waters. She wasn't a virgin, but he was when they first had sex on her mother's bed over the winter holidays.

After that it was always the rebel chicks. Meredith was a reformed rebel chick, he guessed, but really being pregnant with the married attending's child did not speak well for that reformation.

Then there was Callie. Callie, who, sort of reminded him of a grown-up Vivian. She was still the rebel at heart, but instead of reforming like Meredith, she came across as the tough girl, with the cold heart. It shook him, at first, to see the soft core that was in there. She was needy, as most girls of that type were, really. There were times when he wondered if he had what she needed.

He thought about this one night, as he lay beside her in his bed at Meredith's house. They spent the night there more often than at the hospital; this was his choice. There was something creepy about living there, and he often wondered how she had ended up doing it. Surely she had never had a problem with rent payments. She was a surgeon, after all.

She was trying to understand about his family, the interns and their bonds, but she was not quite there yet. He knew that she just needed time; that she had never shared anything like that before. She was trying.

Even he wondered about his loyalties, though, it would have been simpler if he were really related to Meredith and Izzie, blood is thicker and all of that, but he was not. She saw Meredith as the enemy for a while, and he tried to assuage that. He may have been angry at her, but Meredith was Meredith. Callie wanted him to be the wounded one, but he was not the only one in their relationship with baggage.

"What are you thinking about?" her voice jogged him from his ponderings. He rolled to face her, pushing himself up on his elbow.

"How…. beautiful you are," he answered, kissing her cheek and she laughed.

"Sure George."

"I'm serious. You are a beautiful woman, Callie. Would I lie to you?"

She shook her head against his chest and he stroked her hair. Callie needed these reassurances.

"You might. But it doesn't matter." She sat up, looking out of his window at the stars in the sky. He was grateful, suddenly, that he had gotten the smaller room. It was cozier. He rubbed her back in small circles, and he could feel the tension there ease. She relaxed into his hands. He sat up and began to rub harder. "That feels good," she murmured, rolling her shoulders under his palms.

As he massaged her he found himself looking out the window as well, at the lights of the city. The Space Needle was visible and the other lights from downtown Seattle. He loved it here. He had visited once as a child, riding on a cross-country trip with his grandmother, and said he would come back someday. He had. The city had be come real to him, all of the trials and tribulations that came with day-to-day life melded into the beautiful lights of the city at night until it was no longer something he idolized.

As Callie relaxed George lay back on his pillows. The fan rotated above his head. There were no other noises in the house, Meredith and Izzie had long since fallen asleep. Even with the feeling of Callie's warmth beside him he suddenly missed the feeling of both women lying next to him, his family.

* * *

Cristina had once hated the rain. When she was a child, rain meant being cooped up in the house with her mother, being forced to scrapbook or something equally horrifying. Rain meant not being able to ride. Rain generally meant a bad day. So maybe moving to Seattle was a bad idea.

Rain was streaming down the window when she awoke the morning that Burke was supposed to go back to work. Well, he was not working, really, but Dr. Perkins, a less experienced heart surgeon needed a consult on a porcine valve replacement and the chief had requested Burke in the OR, although he was not allowed to even touch a surgical instrument. The tremors had yet to fade completely, and no one was sure that they would. Chief Webber had visited him the week before and Cristina wondered if that did not have something to do with the fact that Dr. Hahn just happened to be at Mercy West the day of the surgery.

The fact that it was raining that morning did little to assuage Cristina's worries on the day that the surgery was scheduled. It was at the usual ungodly hour that the alarm went off on the mornings that she had rounds, and Cristina really did not want to get up. She wanted to roll over and put her arm around Burke and stay in bed all day. She would have, if her arm had not fallen on empty air.

She shot up to see an empty room and hear sounds coming from the kitchen. She got out of bed and threw on a pair of jeans, before going out to investigate. Burke sat at the table reading a newspaper, two breakfast plates on the table, just as if it had been any other morning.

"Good morning," he said, folding the paper over. It didn't go smoothly, and he tried again. She wanted to go over and take it from him, but that would be being over-protective. Eventually he fixed it to his satisfaction and gestured to the table. "Go on, sit down."

"How- er- how long have you been up?" she asked, in what she hoped was a conversational tone.

"A while," he answered evasively, and she knew that it must have taken him a long time to prepare all of this and get the kitchen as spotless as it was. For one thing, the eggs were cold. Cold eggs were utterly disgusting, but she forced them down. _I'm building his self-confidence_ she told herself.

"Are you sure that you want to go in with me? You could, you know, just take a cab later in the morning."

"No," he said so forcefully that she looked up in surprise. "I want to go back there. To be… normal again."

She nodded, and was reminded of Izzie, and the fact that she had expressed similar feelings to Meredith recently. "Okay," she said, digging into the piece of toast on her plate.

She finished dressing and they went out to the car in silence. When they were almost to the hospital, he turned to her as she stared out the rain soaked windshield. "No hovering."

She smirked. "I don't hover."

"And you're not scrubbing in."

"That's where you're wrong. I'm the intern on the case, and thus I scrub in."

He sighed. "Cristina, I need you not to scrub in."

She waited for a minute and then, stopped at a traffic light, turned to him. "Okay, look, you want normal? Me scrubbing in is normal."

To her surprise, Burke only smiled as she turned back to the road.

When they entered the hospital, after stopping at the coffee cart and riding up on the elevator they paused on the surgical floor.

"You'll be okay?" Cristina asked, but it was more of a statement than a question, Burke nods and they head for separate locker rooms. Meredith and George were the only interns in the locker room when Cristina entered and threw open her locker.

"Cristina," Meredith said as soon as she saw her.

"What?"

"Look at me," Cristina threw her a glance. Meredith stood, in her scrubs, her hair in a pony tail.

"What am I looking for?" she threw off her shirt and put on the top of her scrubs.

"Can you tell?" Cristina looked again as she took off her jeans. "Because a patient knew yesterday and I don't know if she saw or just saw the way I was acting but-"

"I can't tell."

Meredith turned to the side. "How 'bout now?"

"Okay maybe a little." Meredith slumped, as behind her George was shaking his head enthusiastically and Cristina realized for how long they must have been having this conversation. "Don't worry about it, he won't be looking. People see what they want to see."

Just as she said this the door was thrown open and Bailey thrust her head in. "Get your asses out here! You've got rounds to do!" George raced to the door and Cristina followed, holding the door as Meredith grabbed her coat and turned to the side in the mirror before running out the door. Cristina shook her head and followed.

The rest of the day went by strangely quickly. She barely saw Burke, but when she did he was moving down the halls hurriedly, obviously with something to occupy his time. At lunch she went to the table that she normally sat at with the other interns and was surprised to see Burke sitting there, next to Meredith who was looking at her salad with disdain.

"Burke," Cristina said in acknowledgement as she sat down. "Meredith, you stick the fork in the lettuce, put the fork in your mouth, take it out and chew and swallow the lettuce. Not hard."

Alex, who had just sat down, sniggered, Meredith shot him a look, but began to eat the salad.

Cristina took several bites of her own sandwich, before she felt that she absolutely had to break the tense silence. "Burke, what have you been doing all day?"

He placed his bad hand on the table and twirled his fork with the other. "I'm checking Dr. Hahn's post-ops, reading echos, and doing basically everything else I did as a cardio resident."

Cristina nodded as George sat down.

The surgery was late in the afternoon, and Cristina did the patient's pre-op. true to what she said to Burke that morning she scrubbed in. She found herself watching him as Dr. Perkins began to cut and Burke watched over his shoulder. As the actual surgery began and Burke was barking orders she watched him constantly, but not as much because she was worried as that this was the Burke that she knew.

"Yang! Focus!"

Cristina smiled.

* * *

"Good morning, Miss Grey."

"It's Dr. Grey, actually. I'm a surgical intern."

"Of course, Dr. Grey. Your file says you had some problems with dehydration early on?"

"Yes. I passed out. But I did not know I was pregnant yet. I've been careful."

"Good, good. Let's take a look, okay?"

"Sure."

"Everything seems in order. You're about four and a half months along, I'd guess."

"Four months, three weeks and four days, actually."

"I see. Unplanned?"

"The sex and the pregnancy, actually."

"Gotcha. Well, everything seems fine. We'll schedule you for an ultrasound soon, to check for defects, so that you can be prepared."

"That sounds great Dr. Rice. I'll check my schedule. Hospital owns me, you know."

"I can imagine. You work here at Mercy West?"

"Seattle Grace, actually. I didn't want to go there. Too many people know me…."

"Seattle Grace? So you must know Addison Shepard!"

"Oh… yes… why, do you--?"

"Oh no, but she's my idol! Her work with gynecology and in the neonatal ICU is famous! What's she like in person?"

"Oh, well…. She's nice. She's definitely talented. Great surgeon. Anyway, I have to go. I'll be back for the ultrasound and everything."

"Okay, bye Dr. Grey."

* * *

Meredith had gone to the Mercy West clinic to avoid all possible chances of someone who knew Addison leaking out the fact that she was pregnant. A part of her knew that if the child had not been Derek's, she would have _gone_ to Addison, she was the best, but that would prove slightly problematic this time. There had been risk, of course, in going to any OB-GYN in the entire Seattle area, but she had to see someone. She picked a younger doctor in the hopes that she would not know Dr. Montgomary-Shepard and at least she hadn't. But it had been close.

She went to the doctor on her day off, which at least killed the morning between the drive, the paperwork and the exam, but she did not have anything else to do for the rest of the day, so she decided to visit her mother. She surprised herself by scanning the parking lot for Izzie's car before pulling in herself. Izzie had spent a lot of time lately with her mother, and it was not that Meredith minded, exactly, but she was used to one-on-one time with her mother. She hadn't gotten much of it as a child.

"How is she?" she asked the nurse at the main desk, peering in to the sitting room to see her mother staring out the window.

"She's doing well; the program seems to be helping. She's been lucid a bit more lately."

"Is she-?"

"Today? I don't think so; she hasn't been telling me how to do my job enough."

Meredith smiled, nodded and went to sit in the chair across from her mother. "Mom?"

"Good morning, Meredith."

"Mom!"

"How long have I been in here, Meredith?"

"A long time Mom. It's nearly a year since I moved here."

Her mother sighed. "How is the hospital?"

"It's good. Dr. Webber hasn't burned it down yet." She attempted to make her mother smile, but it did not work.

"I wanted to be chief, you know. Whenever I was an intern, about your age, I guess."

"You were more than that, Mom," Meredith reminded her. "You worked for the UN!" She used to hate letting her mother know that she admired her, but when she went work for the UN she had been deeply impressed.

"Yes. Well. Look at me now." Her mother reached over and took Meredith's hand. "Promise me, Meredith, that you'll do something with your life."

"Okay, Mom. I promise" Meredith smiled, in a way she had wanted this conversation, and thought that she may never be able to have it. So many times, her mother had told her to do something with her life and she had shrugged it off.

"Have you seen the chief? I need to run these labs by him." Meredith sat back in the chair and looked out the window at the bright green plant that grew just outside. She could not help but wonder if her mother had really heard her. Did it matter if she had, or did it matter that Meredith had said it?

She thought about this on the drive back to the townhouse that evening. She had spent most of the day with her mother, who did not have another lucid moment. Still Meredith was with her. They walked around the gardens and had lunch. It would have been nice, if her mother had known who she was. This time, however, there wasn't even a shift in time, she wasn't herself as a child or a teenager. She was just another person who walked beside her mother down the path.

At home that night, she changed into her pajamas, an old Dartmouth shirt and pajama pants really, and stared at herself in the mirror. There was a definite bulge. She put her hand to the spot and, although she knew it was too early, imagined that she could feel a baby kick against it. She smiled to herself. Despite all the drama, something in her was happy to be carrying hers and Derek's child. Then she thought of her mother. Had she been happy that she was having a baby?

The thought was almost too much for her. She left the bathroom and saw that the door to George's room was open. Even though she knew it was probably not the best idea, she went into the room. She lingered in the doorway for a second; perhaps making sure that Callie wasn't insight. George was reading a magazine. "People". Slowly she walked towards him; he put the magazine down and looked at her face.

"Hey," he said. Then, without another word he shifted over to make room for her. She smiled gratefully and lay down, her hand going immediately to her stomach.

"I hate hiding it from him."

"I know."

Some time later, Izzie wandered in and looked at them. "I saw my mother today," Meredith said by way of explanation. Izzie nodded, and then went to the other side of the bed to lie down on the other side of George.

A couple of day later Meredith stood in the locker room examining herself. Even keeping her coat on constantly was not doing that much to hide her growing stomach. It would have to do, she decided, but the truth time was rapidly approaching. She had an early morning surgery in Addison Montgomary-Shepard's OR (a scheduled Caesarian section, and she hadn't scrubbed in on one before) so she rushed to the OR.

She managed to scrub in without removing her lab coat, but she knew it wasn't going to last.

"You want to get blood sprayed all over your pretty white coat?" a sarcastic scrub nurse asked her. She glared at the man and handed over the coat. She decided that if she got to the table as quickly as possible and managed to lean on it no one would notice. Denial. An ocean.

Unfortunately, walking straight to the table meant that she was walking directly towards Addison. The other woman peered at her for a minute and then raised an eyebrow but did not say anything. Meredith thought that she wasn't going to, as the woman's husband came in, dressed in scrubs. It wasn't until the baby was successfully removed, a squalling 6-pounder that made Meredith smile in a way that she wasn't used to. They were sewing up the wound when Addison finally said: "So, how's the knitting going, Dr. Grey?"

**A/N** Review please! I'm so happy that so many people are reading this! I'd never really explored George and Callie before, so how did it work?


	5. Melt into Your Eyes

**Chapter Five**

_Damn it. _Meredith thought, as she absorbed Addison's words. She was determined not to say anything to the other woman; instead she just focused on her work and got out of the OR as fast as possible. Dr. Bailey was waiting for her outside the doors and went into the scrub room with her as Meredith scrubbed out.

"Grey, I'm taking you immediately off this case since it went so well. I'm putting you with the other Dr. Shepard."

Meredith turned around leaning on the sink. "Okay," she said. "But could you do me a huge favor?" Bailey's eyebrows rose and she cocked her head in surprise, as George who had scrubbed in towards the end of the surgery entered the scrub room. Meredith turned to him, "Head her off," she said, and he nodded.

Meredith motioned for Dr. Bailey to follow her into the hallway. "She knows," she hissed. "And she may not know whose… but I think she does. Please, just…. Tell him to meet me in the fourth floor conference room. Please." She looked in Bailey's eyes and held her gaze; Bailey stared at her and must have seen the look of desperation on her face.

"Okay," she finally agreed, "But you're still on his case, got that?"

"Of course. Great. Thank you!" She ducked back into the scrub room to grab her coat, which the nurse had hung in there, and threw off her scrub cap, making a beeline for the elevator. She was the only one on it, almost unheard of in a hospital, and she leaned against the back wall, putting her hand on her belly. "If your daddy yells, don't judge him for it," she murmured, then shook her head at herself. As she walked down the fourth floor hallway she briefly wondered if she was thinking back to her own father when she said that. Remembering that yelling.

She had not planned this. Well, actually, if she were wiling to admit it to herself she had planned it. Telling Derek was one of those situations that replayed itself over and over in her head, but it usually took place at a fancy restaurant, or during a picnic on his land; never in a conference room in the hospital. She drummed her fingers on the dark wood and remembered the first time she had been in this room. She had been a new intern and Derek was only the cute attending that she had slept with, who she would never sleep with again.

That had worked well.

She put her face in her hands and tried to decide what she was going to say. What worried her was how he would react. Would he even believe her, if he thought her such a whore? Would he promise to leave Addison, only to leave Meredith hanging again? She didn't have a clue. She could never predict him; that was part of the fun of their relationship. The relationship that she wanted back, badly.

She sighed to herself, shifted in her chair, pulled the elastic out of her hair to let it down out of the bun she put it in to hold it under her scrub cap. It always amazed her that Cristina could always get all of her unruly hair under one of those caps. Meredith's hair tended to wisp out, but not Cristina's, which a barrette could barely hold.

Why was she thinking about that now?

Izzie was doing well with her mother, but she knew that Izzie would need something more lasting soon. She'd talked of getting some kind of job at one of the extended care facilities, but Meredith wasn't sure if that would work for her. Getting attached wouldn't do very well there.

Focus.

Were those Derek's footsteps? She listened, recognized the squeak of his running shoes on the shining hospital floor. She spun the chair around, her heart pounding. Bailey's voice floated to her ears.

"Go, talk to her. No, shut up and talk to her! You're the one who has been making puppy eyes at my intern for the past four months, so you damn well better go and see what she wants, you coward."

Despite herself, Meredith snickered, just as she heard the door to the conference room close, this made her stiffen.

"Meredith?" he called, softly.

"Stay there."

"Meredith-."

"I need to talk first." She took a deep breath, and wished that she could see his face, but this would be easier if she couldn't and if he could not see her. "We have a few options here: I can go to Boston, I got accepted at a hospital there and I can transfer. My mother could be moved, it wouldn't be good for her, but I think she'd be okay. You could go back to New York, with Addison, pretend that this never happened. We could al- both move on. Finally, we could both stay in Seattle and try to make this work. It's your choice. I'm not going to tell you which I prefer, but we need to move on, we've been in limbo too long Derek, we _need_ to move on."

He took a deep breath. "Okay. But Meredith, why now? Why so suddenly?"

It was Meredith's turn to take a deep breath; she braced herself on the arms of the chair and stood. "Because," she said, turning to him, "I'm pregnant. And your wife knows." Derek's jaw dropped slightly as he looked at her. There was something in his eyes that she couldn't read, though it did not look like anger.

His eyes lingered on her belly before rising back up to her face. "Meredith," he said, in a quiet voice full of amazement. Then, as a wave of relief washed over her, his face broke out in a grin. He took a step towards her, his eyes never leaving her face, as if to say: _is this okay?_ She nodded slightly and he closed the gap between them, pulling her to him. She held onto him for dear life, and he kissed her.

Her lips melded with his, and passionate sparks flew between them. "You're incredible," he whispered as he gazed into her eyes.

"I don't know about that," she said, pulling back from him and looking away. "We have to talk."

"Okay," he said, hoisting himself up onto the conference table. "Talk."

"You're married, Derek. To a really great woman who obviously loves you. You cannot just have me and this baby on the side, you have to choose. For real this time. Hey! Are you-? You are _so_ not listening to me." She stepped closer to him, forcing him to meet her eyes instead of looking at her belly. "Staring at my stomach is not helping this whole talking thing."

'Isn't it?" he said, playfully, but he sobered up at the look she gave him. "Meredith, I hear you. We do have decisions to make, both of us. But just for now, can I be happy and proud of you?" he nudged her nose with his and she giggled.

"Okay," she said, kissing him and lacing her fingers with his. With his other hand he smoothed a piece of hair back behind her ear and then he smiled again, a smile that brought to his eyes more than words ever could. "You have a patient to see," she said. "We have a patient to see."

"You're my intern?" he asked, and for some reason his incredulous voice made her dissolve into laughter, and he followed.

"Come on," she said, when she could finally breathe. He slid off of the table and headed to the door, but he kept looking back at her with that smile. "Okay, Derek, one rule. Remember, there should be rules? Good. Rule one: no staring at me when you should be talking to a patient."

Derek sighed. "You just make my life so hard, you know that?"

She gently smacked his arm. "So who's this patient?"

They were just out in the hall when he turned and met her eyes, looking serious. "Well," he said, "I'd say you're pretty patient."

* * *

She had to tell him in the very conference room in which he had once contemplated divorcing Addison. There was some kind of crazy symbolism in that. Symbolism that he did not really want to think about, all he really wanted to do was watch her as she walked to the patient's room, a piece of hair flying into her eyes, her hips swaying in the way they did when she was happy. As she turned to enter the room he wondered how the hell he hadn't noticed it before, she was obviously pregnant. Suddenly something occurred to him.

"Meredith?" he asked, grabbing her arm, "The day you passed out?"

"Was the day I found out. Good afternoon Mr. Nelson, how are you today?"

Somehow he managed to talk to the patient, a man who had a subdural haematoma that needed immediate surgery, ask Meredith appropriate intern questions without giving her any significant looks and reassure the family completely coherently. He had no idea how he did it because his mind, the whole time, was thinking about how incredible it was that Meredith was having his baby, and that she had put up with him for this long.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, was Addison. He could not fool himself any longer, their relationship had been dying for a long time now. He had tried to do the right thing, but he had ended up hurting himself, Meredith and Addie in the process.

"Did the whole hospital know before me?" he asked Meredith, as they walked down the hall together to retrieve the patient's labs.

"No. I mean, Bailey and the other interns, but if any one else had it would have gone back to you. Can't really hide gossip around here, as I'm sure you know. If Debby had found out that would have been the end of all my careful planning."

"What about Joe?"

Surprisingly, Meredith glared at him. "I haven't been in Joe's. I know better."

"What? He serves water, soda…."

Meredith sighed. "Yeah. But I don't trust myself to order it."

"Mer-?"

"Labs for George Nelson?" the tech said, and Meredith grabbed them.

"Come on," she said brusquely, and he grabbed her arm, pulling her to him.

"Hey. Calm down. You're okay. I trust you, you're strong. And you're having our baby."

She smiled at him, and he has to smile back, he wanted to kiss her but wondered if doing so in the middle of the hospital hallway is such a brilliant idea. He wanted to take her hand as they walk back to the patient's room, but all he could do was lean over to her and whisper: "You're scrubbing in." This too made her smile. She was, after all, a surgeon.

In the OR he was used to the rest of his life going away, he had to be able to focus. He cut, sutured and closed, but as he did he was aware of Meredith watching him and could help but wonder what she was thinking. Was she afraid he'd leave her again? Did she know how much he loved her? It killed him to try to ignore her, killed him to yell at her. A part of him did love Addison, but that part was overcome now, by his love for Meredith.

When the surgery was over, so was Meredith's shift. He followed her to the locker room and simply watched her as she pulled her sweat pants and t-shirt out of her locker. She changed quickly, leaving on her bra and panties, not seeming to care when Alex or George came into the room, her eyes were locked with his the entire time. She paused in pulling down her t-shirt, putting a hand on her bare skin which protruded over her waist line.

He swallowed, before asking: "Is it kicking yet?"

She shook her head, and to his dismay this broke the spell that was on both of them, she let her shirt go and slammed her locker shut. "No. But it's still early." She put her purse over her arm and looked around the room. The only other people left there were Cristina and George who were both staring at them, but did not flinch when Meredith leaned over to kiss him.

He smiled and took her hand. "I'll come by when my shift is over. I may need asylum." It was the first time that they had spoken of Addison since that morning and she flinched visibly. "Don't worry," he soothed, running one finger over the top of her hand. "We're okay, Meredith. I promise."

She nodded and in a flash she was gone. He sat on the bench staring at a poster on the wall advertising the children's science museum.

He was not surprised to find Addison leaning against the nurse's station desk, waiting for him. He decided that he really did not want to have that battle yet, and so he headed to the elevator.

* * *

Izzie was flipping through a photo album that she had found in Meredith's attic when the front door opened. Meredith entered, and Izzie took one look at her face and checked the floor to make sure that Meredith was actually walking on it and not floating on air. The smile was one that she had not seen in months, not since Meredith's relationship with McDreamy was in full swing.

"You told him?" she asked, already knowing the answer. Meredith nodded and threw herself onto a chair, tossing her purse on the floor and sighing. "And?" Izzie asked, pulling a pillow onto her lap and crossing her legs. "I want details!"

"He-" Meredith sighed, putting her fingers to her lips. "He just--. I don't know. He's perfect." She grinned; a grin that Izzie thought could clearly be classified as 'ear-to-ear'. "God, I'm so happy. I don't know when I've ever been this happy before." She laughed aloud, but then, slowly her smile began to fade slightly.

"Izzie? Do I deserve this? I'm his mistress after all. I'm not a particularly good person. I mean, seriously, are people thinking that I deserve what I've gotten?"

"No one thinks that. Hell, I doubt if even she-of-the-salmon-scrubs thinks that. Meredith, you are an incredible person. You're going to be an amazing surgeon, you're great with kids, you baby-sit George-' Meredith laughed, and George, who had gotten home before Meredith and was sitting in the kitchen with a bowl of soup called out in protest.

Izzie got off the couch and went over to kneel by Meredith's chair. "You were there for me when I was not an easy person to be there for. Trust me, you deserve to be happy."

Meredith nodded. "Okay," she agreed.

"Good," Izzie said, standing up and heading to the couch. "Do me a favor, come over and tell me when this was taken."

Meredith got up and went to look at the photo album. "Where'd you get this?" she asked, pulling it onto her lap.

Izzie bit her lip. "The attic. You're mother is in the past so much I just thought it would be good if I had a better idea of what her past was like, you know? I know you told me not to go up there, and I'm sorry but you weren't home…." She trailed off, suddenly aware that Meredith was no longer hearing her. She was staring at the pictures a vague smile on her face.

"Meredith? What is it?"

Meredith licked her lips, her eyes never leaving the picture. "Nothing, it's just, I do remember being this happy. When I was four years old. My father must have convinced Mom that she needed a vacation, but I didn't know that, all I knew was that we were going somewhere. We flew to Florida during the second week of summer vacation and they'd surprised me. We spent two weeks at the beach in Daytona in a condo, somehow Mom managed not to work, and she took me out in the ocean. Dad taught me how to mini-golf. It seems like anyone else's typical vacation, but for me it was absolute bliss."

Izzie gazed at the picture of a little girl in the arms of the young woman who looked so much like Meredith, but was obviously her mother, and the smiles on both of their faces. They were identical to the one that Izzie had just seen on Meredith. But surely, that had not been the last time that Meredith had been so happy? It was over twenty-one years ago.

Izzie looked back at Meredith and was surprised to see that she really could see her mother in her, once she had thought that Meredith must be the exact opposite of the work-oriented Ellis Grey, now that she had spent more time with the woman herself she wondered. There was a soft side to Ellis; that Izzie was sure that Meredith rarely saw.

"I'll take these to her, maybe she'll remember."

To Izzie's surprise Meredith's face suddenly turned dark and she slammed the album shut. "No. Don't bother. She never talked about that trip. I used to want to go back, for my sixth birthday, my seventh, but I gave up. Right about the time I realized that my father was never going to come to my birthday parties. She wouldn't want to be reminded of it."

She stood up and disappeared down the hallway, in a moment Izzie heard the door to her room slam. She turned to George, who was leaning on the doorway, "Hormones?" he guessed.

Izzie shook her head. "I'm not sure that Ellis Grey is the only one who doesn't like to be reminded of that vacation." She looked back to the picture and sighed. Her own relationship with her mother had never been perfect, but there was never this much bitterness. Her mother thought that Izzie acted superior to everyone back in there hometown, but whenever Izzie called her mother seemed happy to hear from her.

Meredith did not have that luxury.

* * *

Cristina went with Burke to his follow-up appointment with Shepard on the day that McDreamy found out about Meredith's pregnancy. The tremors were still there, but Burke seemed to be managing the day-to-day tasks that had given him trouble at the beginning. He was beginning to say things like: "When I go back to the hospital" or "When I'm cutting again".

Cristina didn't want to be paranoid, but she worried about what effect it would have on him if he did not get well enough to cut. Burke sat on the exam table looking annoyed at falling into the role of patient. They had sat there for at least fifteen minutes when Cristina closed the magazine that she was trying to read.

"Where is he?" Burke asked, sounding annoyed.

"I don't know," Cristina said evasively, Burke turned to her.

"Oh, you know."

"Well…. Cloud nine might have something to do with it."

"She told him?" Burke raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, Apparently the She-Shepard found out and she had to. They're both, like floating, it's pathetic really."

"How's Addison taking it?"

It was just like Burke to be concerned about McDreamy's wife. Cristina was more worried about Meredith, since Shepard wasn't always the best at telling all sides of things, but the look on Meredith's face all day gave her hope that maybe this time he wasn't being an ass.

The man himself entered a few seconds after Burke's question, and so Cristina did not have a chance to answer. Shepard looked sickeningly happy. "Good afternoon, Preston, how are you doing?"

"Not as good as you, or that's what I hear."

Shepard grinned. "So you know?"

"Yeah. Congratulations."

"Thanks. Let's get on with this exam, shall we?"

There was something about Shepard's mannerisms that made Cristina worry, and this time not about Burke. She watched as he preformed the usual exam on Burke, testing reflexes and strength. He sat back on the rolling stool when the exam was over and looked at them.

"Okay. There has been improvement, vast improvement that makes me think that things can still improve. Now, there is a chance that I could go in surgically to see if there is anything else I can do. You're progressing so well that I think that it would be successful .Probably we'd do an awake surgery. I'm not promising anything, since I did as much as I could last time. However, there remains the possibility that I could do more."

Burke nodded slowly. "Can I have time to think about it?"

"Of course. There's a window, but it's a fairly large one."

Cristina felt like jumping up and telling Burke that he had to do this, but she could not. It was his decision. His life. Shepard stood to leave, but Cristina followed him out of the room.

"Don't screw with her," she said, as soon as the door was closed.

"You don't waste any time."

"I'm serious. She was really, seriously, getting over you. She gave up a fairly healthy relationship to go back to the dysfunction that you put into her life."

"Meredith's a big girl; she can make her own decisions."

"I know that. But can _you_?" she glared at the man, her boss who she really shouldn't be speaking to this way. She shifted. "Look, all I'm saying is that it's not just her that you'd be hurting this time, it's her and the baby. You don't want to do that, look what it did to Meredith. I mean she turned out okay, obviously, but you know. Just be careful." She stared at him for a long minute and then went back into the exam room to a rather confused Burke.

Cristina sighed and then smiled. "Come on, let's go home."

He had a brooding look on his face and she sunk back into the chair. "Okay. This is a big deal, I know." Cristina suddenly had a thought back to a time when she was about thirteen before a particularly big horse show. Her stepfather had forced her out of the practice track and out to the movies. She hadn't wanted to go, but getting her mind off of it had helped in the end, she had gotten first in the show.

"Let's go." She held out her hand and grabbed is.

"Where?"

"To the movies, to get ice cream. Something, some place that's not here. We're not going to think about this yet, or at least I'm not. Let's just do something."

"Are you sleeping with Shepard too and trying to distract me? Because you're acting that strange."

Cristina rolled her ryes and pulled him towards the elevator. "Yeah, right. Do I look self-destructive to you?"

Burke laughed and allowed himself to be led off of the elevator and outside to the car.

The ended up at an ice-cream parlor, and Cristina thought briefly of her mother when she ordered a two-scoop chocolate cone. Burke got a shake, and she laughed when he ended up with a pure white mustache.

They talked about a lot of things, but none of them had anything to do with the hospital with the exception of gossip. Doctors were horrible gossipers, because they spent whole days only with each other. On the way home Cristina flipped on the CD that he had left in the car ages ago, one that she never listened to but he loved. She wasn't really one for classical music.

But it made Burke smile. She was surprised to see that that was what mattered to her the most.

* * *

"So, Derek, I take it that this little charade is over?"

"What charade, Addison? I always thought that charades were fun, this hasn't been fun. We've been fooling ourselves."

"I suppose so. But really, I'm curious, have you been sleeping with her the whole time? Because if so, she lied to me a while back."

"No. it was just once, Addison. That once was all it took. We both know that you and I just weren't going to work."

"What is it Derek, is it that she's giving you what I never could?"

"Addie. No. That's not it; you know that never bothered me. I've known for months now that we weren't going to work, but I didn't want to put you through this if-.."

"If you weren't going to be happy?"

"No. if there wasn't a good reason. And there is. I love her. I love you, Addie, but we're not happy any more. We haven't been for a long time."

"You're right. I know. I've known, you love her. She loves you. It just hurts me, that's all."

"If I could do this without hurting you, Addie, I would, I'm sorry."

"I know…. But it's not enough Derek. I can't blame you, I can't blame her. I'd love to yell at both of you, but I'm not stupid enough to cause her distress at this point in her pregnancy… damn it. And I love you too much. I just…." She sighed. "I just wish I could go back. Because this is, in the end, all my fault."

"It's not. You won't believe me, but I know it's not. I'm going to go now, Addison. Okay?"

"Yeah. Go. Just go. You're good at that…. Sorry. Go to her, I'll be all right. "

"Okay. Good-bye Addison."

* * *

Meredith lay on her back on her bed staring up at the ceiling with her hands on her stomach. She shouldn't have yelled at Izzie. It wasn't really Izzie she was mad at, she knew, she was just on emotional overdrive. The day had happened so fast, with the fear of Addison knowing, to Derek's elation and then the reminder of a time when her childhood had been happy. She didn't want her baby to have just that one moment to remember years later, one that was tinged with pain.

She wouldn't be her mother, _couldn't _be her mother. _You know what to avoid,_ she told herself, _you know how it feels._ Still there was that nagging part of her that was afraid that she would be exactly like her.

It was late, and Meredith was attempting to sleep, but as soon as she drifted off she would wake up either elated or terrified. She screamed into her pillow, annoyed at her inability to sleep after such a stressful day, but there was also the excitement within her at the thought that Derek was coming by as soon as his shift was over. All of this was not boding well for her getting any sleep.

Somewhere around midnight there was a light tap on the door, "Mer? You awake?" Izzie called.

Meredith debated not answering, but she wasn't mad at Izzie and didn't want to deal with it if Izzie thought she was. The silence had pressed in on her for so long that it was difficult for her to force her voice to make a sound. "Mmhmm," she called.

"You okay? I'm sorry if I upset you earlier."

"It's okay, don't worry about it," Meredith called, genuinely.

"Okay. Good night."

"'Night Izzie." Meredith slid her hand down her stomach and there was suddenly a flutter against her hand. "Oh my god! Izzie, come here!"

The door opened quickly, "Meredith, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Come here." She grabbed Izzie's hand and placed it against the spot. Izzie grinned.

"Awesome, Mer."

Meredith nodded. "Yeah. Awesome. Good night, Izzie."

"Good night."

Izzie left the room and closed the door; Meredith rolled over and finally managed to sleep.

There was a knock at the door that drew her out of sleep far too early for her to believe it. She rolled over to face the clock and squinted at it. 6:30. the time didn't really register with her, however, as she called for whomever it was to come in. There was a rustling and the knob turned to reveal Derek. He looked disheveled, with his hair in disarray as it often was after a shift, and his coat still on. In his arms were a large brown paper bag and two cardboard cups of coffee.

"Hey," she murmured, shifting so that there was room for him on the bed and pushing herself up on her pillows.

"Hey yourself," he said, sitting on the end of the bed and pulling a bag of bagels out of the bag. He handed her one of the cups of coffee, which she blew on gently before she sipped it. She wasn't quite awake enough to realize that he was really there.

"Thanks," she said, putting a hand behind her head.

"You're so not awake," he observed, leaning forward to push a lock of her hair out of her eyes.

"No," she agreed, taking his hand in hers. "But I better not be dreaming."

He laughed and put the bagels on the floor, and took the coffee from her hand, placing it on the bedside table. "Well then, there's no need to be awake." He kicked off his shoes and lay down next to her, his arms around her. She rolled to face him and ran her hands around his cheeks.

"Hey," she said suddenly, grabbing his hand and placing it on her belly just as she felt a flutter against her stomach. She quickly pressed it against the spot and smiled. He seemed to be barely awake as well, and she knew that he was even more exhausted than she, but a huge smile came over his face. His eyes flickered open and he moved towards her just enough to catch her lips with his.

Just as he drifted off to sleep she found herself perfectly awake. She watched him for a while; his eyes flickering in sleep, his hair tussled over his eyes, a light dusting of stubble on his cheeks. He was perfect, and his hand was still against his stomach. With one hand she reached for her cell phone on her bedside table, careful not to knock over the coffee.

She pushed a button and when Cristina answered, said, "There's a boy in my bed."

"Meredith are you-?"

"It's Derek. The father of my child is actually in my bed. Life is good."

She flipped the phone closed and slid down to snuggle up against Derek with a happy sigh.

A/N Mer/Der goodness! So, oh my gosh guys thank you for all the incredible reviews! I'm in total disbelief! This was the longest chapter so far, but I think my favorite. They're just so cute together….


	6. Somebody We Can Turn To

**Chapter Six**

It was noon when they awoke, the bagels still on the floor by the bed. Derek woke before Meredith, and by the time she opened her eyes he had spread an extra blanket over the bed and was opening the plastic bagel bag. She sat up and smile at him, still not quite believing that he was there, and hers. She bit into the bagel he handed her and put a hand up to catch crumbs, her eyes never leaving him.

"Meredith?" he said, noticing her gaze.

"Hmm?" she replied, her mouth full of bagel.

"I'm not going anywhere."

She swallowed and reached for his hand. "Derek," she said, blinking quickly to stop her eyes from welling up with tears, "I'm sorry, but it's gonna be a while before I can believe that. Okay?"

He nodded and bit into his own bagel. "Okay."

Half an hour later they ventured into the rest of the house, Meredith showered and dressed, but there was no sound from her roommates. Both of their doors were open with the beds made.

"Huh," Meredith said, sitting on the couch. "George must be with Callie, and Izzie…" she glances at the coffee table, the photo album was gone. "Izzie must be with my mother."

Derek sat next to her, his arm around her. "Your mother?"

"Yeah. She's been going over there and spending time with her. I mean, not that I haven't been, but Izzie was lonely and about to drive me crazy with cleaning, so I thought it would be nice for both of them."

"Is she working somewhere?"

"No. She's looking now, finally. For a while it was as if Izzie's world just stopped." _Kind of like mine did when you left me._

Apparently, he must have been thinking the same thing because he shifted in his seat, his other hand coming to rest on her thigh. "Meredith…. You got your turn to talk yesterday. I think it's my turn." She inched away, afraid of what he might say. Things like _I'll stay with you until the baby's born but I'm going back to Addison_ or _Addison's moving in with us_ ran through her head.

"Relax, Meredith. I'm not leaving you, unless you want me to." As if to emphasize this he grasped her hand in his, and she leaned against him again, inhaling the musky scent of his cologne with just a tinge of the hospital smell: that of disinfectant and soap.

"I want to tell you,_ need_ to tell you, that I'm sorry. I am so sorry, Meredith. I know that I hurt you; I know that I don't deserve you, I deserve to be thrown on the street and dogs should be allowed to gnaw on me. I'm serious! I've hurt too many people. I didn't want to hurt you. I shouldn't have gone back to Addison, but a part of me had to be sure, sure beyond any doubt that we were really over.

"Because there was a time when I really loved her, loved her more than I could express, but we married young and we changed. We were so far apart that we didn't get to adapt. My grandmother used to say that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that. I believe that Addison and I had to happen, so that I could meet you."

He slid off of the couch and knelt by her, both of her hands clasped in his. "You're the love of my life, Meredith."

Tears welled up in her eyes, everything he was saying was perfect, so him; and she could not help but forgive him for the pain of the past months, for making her a dirty mistress, for everything. She knew somewhere that she should perhaps make him suffer, but there wasn't the time. She didn't want to do that to herself. She didn't want to hurt herself this time.

So she leaned over and kissed him, pulling him back onto the couch. They were still there, him holding her, when the door opened. She barely heard it, barely heard anything until she felt the shadow over them. She pulled slightly away from Derek and saw Izzie standing over them.

"Hi, Izz," Meredith said, grinning. "How's my mom?"

"Good. She's good. Meredith, can I talk to you? Alone?"

Meredith looked at her, puzzled, by followed her into the kitchen.

"Mer, are you sure about this? I mean, I know you love him, but Mer--."

"Stop, Izzie. You don't think I know that I forgive too easily? But Izzie, things have been very crappy for me lately, and I don't have that many people in my corner. You, George, Alex and Cristina? You're my family. You always will be. But Derek? Izzie, he completes me. You understand, I know you do."

Izzie looked away, out the kitchen window, and nodded, tears glistening in her eyes. "Yeah. I do." She put a hand to her mouth and then drew it away, steadying herself.

"Good. You okay?"

"Yeah. It just kind of hit me today, how long it's been. I feel like I haven't done anything to move on, you know? I need to be doing something. For one thing I'm running out of money. I don't want to be a surgeon. But I think," Izzie took a deep breath, "I think I still want to be a doctor."

Meredith smiled. "Good, Izzie. You should be a doctor, you're a good doctor." Izzie nodded, smiling herself, in a way that made Meredith know that there must be something else underneath it. "Izzie? What is it?"

Izzie shook her head. "It's just—I think I want to give Alex another chance. He's been so sweet, and so patient with me. I think he's finally realizing that it is safe for him to be human. But is it--? I mean…"

Meredith smiled. "Izz, it's okay. You can like Alex. It's not disrespect to him, to Denny. He wanted you to be happy. I'm sure he's happy now, he would want you to be happy." Izzie seemed on the verge of tears, but she nodded. "Good. Want lunch?" Despite the bagels, Meredith was suddenly famished.

"Okay."

"Derek, you can come in here now. What do you want for lunch?"

"You," he said, without missing a beat and coming into the kitchen. She looked at him in the doorway, and just shook her head, a smile never leaving her face.

* * *

"George!" Callie exclaimed, as he rounded the corner to her little hideaway in the hospital. He still found it kind of strange to be coming to work to visit his girlfriend, but he tried not to let her see that. Instead he tossed his backpack down by her bed and lay across it, looking up at her.

"Hey," he said. "How are you?"

"Good. I have-" suddenly her phone rang and she dived off the bed to grab it from her purse. "Hello? Oh, hi Mom."

George was vaguely startled. Callie hardly ever mentioned her family.

"You're _what?_ Oh, yeah. Sure. Sounds great. So…. I'll see you? Okay. Cool. Bye Mom." George watched her face as it turned from that of a daughter humoring her mother to one of shock and panic. When she hung up the phone she was as white as her lab coat.

"Callie? What's up? Something wrong?"

"My mother is coming to town," she said steadily. "My mother, who already thinks I work too much and would drag me home if she knew I _lived_ in the hospital, is coming to town."

"Oh yeah. I can see where that might be a problem."

"George, you've got to let me move in with you while she's here."

"Wait—what?" George was shocked; this hadn't been part of the plan. That was the type of thing that you were supposed to discuss, not just dive into because of badly timed visit from someone's mother! "Callie, let's be rational. Just get an apartment!"

"There's not enough time! She's coming next month! George, please?"

George looked in her face, she seemed close to tears and there was panic in her eyes. "I'll talk to Meredith, okay? It's her house and her decision. Just calm down, all right?"

"Yeah, okay. I'm sorry George, but my mother just gets so weird and I don't want to deal with her disapproval, you know? I just don't think I could handle that right now." She put her face in her hands, and George put a hand on her back.

"Callie? Is there something I should know about what's going on here?" he asked gently, but she immediately sat up and glared at him.

"No! What makes you think that?"

"Whoa. Calm down. It's just, you seem to be over reacting for the situation here and I just want to make sure you're okay."

She looked at him, with big eyes, and George could tell that there was something underneath there, and he felt like an archeologist, unearthing the artifacts that made a civilization tick.

"Callie?" he said, and then let the word hang in the air, as he looked into her eyes. He could see the truth coming up, until she finally took a deep breath and spoke.

"Okay. I'm bipolar, George, and I've had a lot of problems because of it. I've lost boyfriends, for one thing, but the last apartment I had…. I wasn't taking my meds and I kind of got in trouble for property damage…. Being here, being in the walls of the hospital, it reminds me of everything I've got going, it reminds me of my patients and how I can help them only if I stay on track. I need that.

"Maybe I should say: I needed that. Once I met you, George; that changed. I feel more complete now, more stable. I'm centered now. I think I can manage out of the hospital, but not without you."

Those big eyes watched him, waiting to see how he would take that information, and he knew he had to be careful. He also felt an incredible sense of relief, as if all the distance between them had suddenly disappeared. He smiled at her, cocking his head slightly. "Me? Really?" She nodded, smiling back at him.

He leaned close and kissed her, then drew back only a couple of inches. "Callie?" he said, looking in her eyes, watching them examine him. "I love you." He kissed her on the neck and she leaned into him. She may have been a bad girl to some people, but to him, she was perfect.

* * *

"Rounds people!" Bailey's voice startled the interns in the locker rooms into motion, Cristina and Meredith had been standing next to Meredith's locker talking about Burke, and Alex was demanding details from George about "ortho-chick". In other words: nothing different than normal in the interns' locker room, but for Meredith things seemed different. They seemed brighter. The cloud over her was gone, it was as if the drama was over. She had a feeling that, somehow, the drama was only beginning, but it was nice to feel happier.

"Good morning Dr. Bailey," she said, walking over to Bailey and smiling at her. Today was a good day, a good day to cut.

"Grey, just because your love life may have picked up, you don't have to infect the rest of us with your insanity." There was a snicker that probably came from Cristina. Or Alex. "Okay, Karev you're with me in the pit, O'Malley: Montgomary-Shepard Cristina: Shepard. Grey, don't give me that look. You're with Dr. Torres, but the chief wants to see you."

"Okay I'll go by there after—."

"Before rounds."

Some of the light seemed to go out of her day just then. She leaned against a locker and sighed, knowing what the meeting would be about. Derek was waiting for her outside the locker room, under the pretext of handing charts to Cristina, but Bailey wasn't fooled judging by the look she gave him.

"I asked for you," he said to Meredith, pitifully.

"Thought I'd gone soft!" Bailey said, hearing him even though she was halfway down the hall.

Derek shook his head and Meredith smiled. "It's okay. I get to go and see the chief…. Ten bucks says he tries to put me on the vagina squad and then thinks about the cat fights that would ensue."

"Oh, I don't know Meredith, I'm not particularly fond of clawing, one tends to break nails that way." Meredith whirled around, off balancing slightly and feeling Derek's hands against her back. "Dr. Montgomary-Shepard!"

"You should probably cut off the Shepard, I suppose," Addison said, handing a chart to George who was watching this exchange nervously. "O'Malley, did I or did I not say go?"

"You, well, you did, yes you did. Okay, I'm gone." George went off towards the elevator, leaving Meredith watching Addison, Derek's hand still on her back.

"I have those divorce papers for you, Derek, nothing changed but the date. Oh, and I added my signature." Addison said coolly, reaching into her bag.

Derek reached out a hand for them, and Meredith watched as he took them, it seemed to play in slow motion, reminding her of that day, months ago when she had last seen those papers. He looked at her and walked over to the nurses' station, grabbing a pen from a chart and signed, right there, in front of everyone. Meredith looked at Addison's face for something resembling shock, but the other woman seemed more resigned than any thing.

"Okay," she said, taking the papers back. "I'll let you two celebrate, shall I?" she spun on her heels and went down the hall, her footsteps echoing on the white tile floor of the hospital. Meredith turned around to look at Derek. There was a smile on his face, but she could see the pain in his eyes.

"I'm going to go and see the chief," she said, gently. He nodded, and she put her hand to his cheek. "Thank you, Derek."

As she walked down the hall to the elevator she had a brief feeling that she had, as Derek put it, ended his family. Almost as soon as she thought this there was a flutter inside of her, and she knew. She wasn't ending a family, she was beginning one. It was that thought which gave her the courage to head directly for Dr. Webber's office.

She ducked into the office and Dr. Webber's assistant Patricia looked up at her over her glasses, then her eyes widened and she took them off. "So it is true? Another little Dr. Grey will be joining us?" Meredith smiled, and nodded, but inside she couldn't help thinking: _No, another Dr. Shepard will be joining us._ The thought made her smile genuinely. "You've got that glow, my girl," Patricia said. "Go on in, he's expecting you."

Meredith nodded at her and walked briskly into the chief's office. It had been a while since she had been in there, since the day of Denny's death, and in that time she hadn't spent much time talking to Dr. Webber. A part of her was still angry, angry that he had ruined her family and hadn't tried to fix it.

Dr. Webber was reading over some documents when she came into the room, so she sank into a chair and looked around at the brightly-lit office. It seemed so different from the rest of the hospital, where everything was sterile and white. The chief had pictures of his nieces and nephews all over the desk, although, she noticed, Adele was not in many of them. She thought, for only a second, about the chief's wife. She had only talked to her a few times, but those few made her a difficult person to hate. Why were all the people she should hate so difficult to hate?

She decided to leave that pondering for another time, as the chief looked up. "Ah, Meredith, how nice to see you. How are you?"

"Fine. What is it that you wanted to talk about?" she asked this, even though she knew exactly what it was that he wanted to talk about, because he squirmed just a little bit in his chair and a part of her saw this as some kind of victory.

"Well, Meredith…. I've heard rumors, that are apparently…. Well obviously, true." He was obviously making a point not to look at her stomach, almost as a father might.

"You mean, the fact that I'm pregnant, Dr. Webber? Are you going to reassign me? Shift me to another service?"

Dr. Webber sighed and rubbed his temples. "It is what generally happens when something… of this nature… occurs with an intern, however, since you will be a second year resident soon, and you are… well Dr. Grey, you are exceptionally talented. I've decided that you will be allowed to stay on your current track. You will have to work to make up OR time both before and after… the birth…. But I think that you will be able to handle that." He smiled, jovially, and she nodded. She was aware that this was obviously special treatment, but a small voice in her head was whispering: _he owes you_ and she couldn't make it shut up.

"Thank you, Dr. Webber." She said, standing up.

"Let your resident know that I've requested you to have maximum OR time. Oh, and Meredith? Don't think this means I'm condoning this, or condoning… well… who the father is. That doesn't need to get around."

'Of course," Meredith said, smirking slightly.

She left the chief's office to go and find Dr. Bailey, who was in the pit with Alex loading a car accident victim out of an ambulance. "You still with us, Grey?" she asked, as Meredith grabbed the other side of the stretcher and they began wheeling it into the ER.

"Yeah. Dr. Webber… Well he wants me to start making up the OR time I'll miss." Meredith couldn't help but feel guilty at saying this, but Bailey only nodded.

"Okay, Karev, go assist Dr. Torres, Grey stay with me on this one."

"Man, I'd be a chick and get knocked up for extra OR time."

"Yeah Alex, I'm sure you'd love the morning sickness and the getting fat, and the hormone changes and—."

"Grey! Grey, shut up and intubate this man. Karev, get your ass in gear!" Meredith took a breath and grabbed the intubation tray from a nearby nurse. Once she had him intubated and was pumping air, Bailey looked up at her with one eyebrow raised. "Hormone changes, you were saying?"

Meredith scowled at her.

Several hours later, they were in surgery repairing damage to the mans kidneys, and Meredith was surprised when Dr. Bailey handed her the scalpel to make the first incision and allowed her to continue flying solo while they fixed the less damaged areas. Only when they reached the worst of it did Bailey push her gently aside.

It was an amazing feeling to be sewing someone back together, to fix what fate had done to them. She waited in the scrub room for Bailey. "Thanks," she said simply.

"None needed. You're ready Grey, once your actual residency starts you'll be expected to cut with minimal assistance."

"You're also planning on Mommy-tracking me, aren't you?"

"Go and tell the man's family he's okay, Grey."

* * *

Derek lay awake in Meredith's bed. She was lying up against him, her head on his chest and he could smell the lavender in her hair. She was so perfect, so his. Addison hadn't been his, especially not recently, but he had always shared her with something. Work, friends…. Meredith had these, but somehow she managed to remain purely his. She sighed in her sleep, sometimes, and he found it endearing.

He didn't usually compare her to Addie, they were two completely different women, but tonight was one of those nights, when he had done something that marked a forked path in his life. He had had many of those recently, when he came to Seattle, when he originally didn't sign the papers, that night with Meredith in the exam room and now. Up until then he had thought the biggest fork was opening his own practice.

How long ago that seemed.

There was usually some kind of doubt that remained after one of those choices, and there had been when he looked at Addison's face, at her familiar looping signature, but then he had felt Meredith's breathing against his hand, seen her standing there with the baby inside her, her face glowing. When she smiled at him, her eyes crinkled and every time this happened he fell a little bit more in love with her.

The right choice had definitely been made, and he felt like he should be thanking God or whatever deity was out there for giving him a second chance.

Suddenly the thought-provoking silence was broken, by Meredith. She rolled out of his embrace and cried out, though she was obviously still asleep. He worried, immediately, about the baby, but the cries seemed to be related purely to a dream.

She thrashed, one hand nearly cuffing him on the chin, but his reflexes kick in and he caught it, and managed to shift onto his side. "Meredith," he whispered soothingly, stroking her cheek with one hand. "Meredith, shh, you're okay. I've got you." He soothed her, thinking of the day in the supply closet when she very nearly hyperventilated. He wondered if maybe her mother had something to do with this obvious nightmare. Eventually her breathing became even again, and she stopped thrashing against him, once again in a peaceful sleep. He gently wiped the tears on her face away with the edge of a sheet, and after watching her for a minute to make sure that she was really asleep he got out of bed and went into the hallway.

In the living room he was surprised to see George sitting in the silence. "Is she okay?" he asked, and Derek sank down next to him rubbing his face with his hands.

"Yeah. Does she have those often?"

George shrugged. "Sometimes, since the code black. She never let on that it affected her, but you know Meredith, it did."

Derek nodded. "Thank you," he said, looking back at George, "For taking care of her."

George made a soft snorting noise. "I could have done better," he commented.

Derek paused, he didn't like to think of what had happened between Meredith and George, but he wasn't one to lecture about sex that should not have happened. He didn't know what to say to that, though, so Derek shrugged.

They sat there together for a few minutes, two men bonded by their connections to the same woman, but connected in entirely different ways. Derek stayed on the couch long after George went back to bed. The sun began to rise and a blue cast came over the room. Almost as soon as he was aware of the sun coming up, he heard a door close in the hallway, and from the footsteps he could hear that it was Meredith.

She came into the living room a few minutes later, and pulled a throw from the chair to wrap herself up in.

"Hey," she said, leaning against the doorframe. Meredith's hair was tousled, and the light made it seem to glow.

"Hey," he replied, moving over to make room for her on the couch. She sat down and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"Did I wake you up?" she asked, a twinge of guilt in her voice.

"No. I was awake. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she shrugged. "Dreams."

"About the bomb?" she looked up at him, confused. "George told me. That day must have been horrible for you."

She nodded. "It was, but you made it better."

"Me?" he said, in surprise, twirling a lock of her hair around his finger.

"Yeah. I… this is gonna sound stupid, but I imagined it was you telling me how to pull the bomb out. Someone I trusted… someone I love."

This tugged at his heart, and he thought about that night, when he had come up to check on her. He was so relieved that she was all right, but he couldn't pull her into his arms the way that he wanted to do. Now, however, he could. He pulled her against her, and to his surprise she began to cry.

"I'm sorry. I just…" she trailed off, and he rubbed her back, letting her cry. After a few moments she sniffed and sat up. "We should go see my mother. I should tell her, that we're having a baby."

"Okay," he agreed, and she lay back against him, linking her hand with his.

* * *

Meredith left the locker room, in a state of utter disbelief. Bailey's words echoed in her head: _"You need OR time, she's operating in an hour, no choices here, Grey_." She walked quickly down the hall in search of Addison Montgomary. She had started going only by her maiden name, recently, even had a new lab-coat made. Meredith peered into every exam room searching for her. As she walked down the hall George passed by her.

"Hey, Mer? Do you have a minute?"

She took a breath. "I do if you can walk and talk. Have you seen the She—that is, Dr. Montgomary?"

"No. :Listen, Mer, here's the deal, you see Callie's mom's coming into town. And the thing is: she doesn't know where Callie lives. So Callie needs a place to stay and—"

"And you want her to stay at my place for the duration?" Meredith asked, heading towards a nurses' station.

"Um… yeah, is that okay?"

Nurse Debby pointed towards a door and Meredith made a beeline for it, and just as she reached the door she turned to talk to George. "Yeah, okay. Derek's practically moved in, so hey, the more the merrier." Then she opened the door and went into the exam room.

"Ah, there's my intern. It's about time, Dr. Grey." Meredith nodded, going over to the side of the patient's bed.

"Miriam Katz, eight months pregnant, discovered to have a cyst on the side of her ovary and scheduled for emergency c-section so the cyst can be biopsied without harming the baby. Vitals are stable, as are the baby's vitals. Ultrasound…." Meredith trailed off for just a second as she suddenly remembered that she had missed her own sonogram appointment due to an emergency surgery on a GSW. Quickly she cleared her throat and continued, "Ultrasound reveals no abnormalities with the baby." She smiled at the patient, feeling an odd kinship with her, although the family picture on the bedside showed just how different they were.

"Good. All right, Dr. Grey, do the pre-op and we'll have you in surgery before noon, Miriam." The patient nodded and Addison started to the door, on a sudden whim Meredith followed her out.

"Dr. Montgomary-She… Dr. Montgomary?"

"What is it, Grey?"

Meredith stopped, as Addison leaned against the nurses' station. "I wanted to tell you… well it sounds pathetic, but I'm sorry. I didn't do this on purpose so that he'd come back to me or anything like that. We didn't even mean to—well, I wasn't lying to you when I told you I wasn't sleeping with him. It just happened. But now…. It's right." She sighed, not knowing how to express to this woman how right it truly was.

To her surprise, Addison put the chart down and put a hand on Meredith's shoulder. "Calm down, Dr. Grey, it's all right. I do understand, even if I don't want to. I know that you can't help but love him… can't help who you love." She looked past Meredith for a moment, and Meredith could almost read her mind. So, Derek wasn't the only one who fell in love while cheating. "Go do that pre-op now, Dr. Grey, if you want to scrub in."

Meredith nodded and went back to the patient's room.

* * *

It was another two weeks before she and Derek had a time off together that wasn't in the middle of the night and wasn't at sunset (a particularly bad time to visit her mother), so that they could both go to the extended care facility. Meredith didn't wait until then to see her, just didn't mention anything about the baby and her mother didn't seem to notice. If she saw Meredith at all, it was lucky.

That Saturday morning dawned rainy and gray, as it so often was in Seattle. Meredith was awakened by loud scuffles from the corridor outside her room, and she got out of bed to see what was going on. Opening the door and stepping into the hall she was nearly mowed down by George who was carrying a cardboard box, followed by Derek carrying a floor lamp.

"What's going on?" she asked, but then she remembered. Callie was moving into George's room since her mother was coming in the next day. Meredith was running a boarding house. "Derek, put that down. We're going to see my mother, remember?"

"Yeah," he called, putting the lamp down in George's room.

"How did you get roped into doing that anyway?' she asked, but then saw Callie at the end of the hall.

"She gave me… a look," he explained lamely.

Meredith raised her eyebrows at him. "You're quite easily swayed by looks, aren't you?" He smiled sheepishly and she rolled her eyes. "Come on, get dressed."

He obeyed, pulling his clothes from a box by her dresser. "You know, we really should get another dresser or something."

"Or," he said, pulling on a pair of jeans, "You and I could move into the master bedroom."

She paused as she was pulling her shirt down over her waistline. "Yeah. We could." She had left the master bedroom, with its own bath, empty, because… well… that was her parents' room.

"Think about it."

She nodded, and went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. Izzie was already in there, in only a shirt and Hello Kitty underwear. "Izzie? You do know that both my boyfriend and George's girlfriend are in this house? And that doesn't bother you?"

Izzie shook her head, smiling. Smiling and it went to her eyes. This was the Izzie-smile, one that she hadn't given anyone in… months. "Want to know why it doesn't bother me?"

"You're high?" Meredith suggested through toothpaste.

"Meredith! No, it doesn't bother me because my boyfriend is here too." She spat out her toothpaste and left the bathroom leaving Meredith staring at her in disbelief.

They took Meredith's car to extended care facility. It wasn't quite ten in the morning, but the rain was already pouring down in sheets. Before Meredith could get out of the car Derek was coming around with an umbrella. That was definitely something to add to her list of 'things to love about him'.

Her mother was in the parlor, a cup of tea in her hand, but thankfully Dr. Webber was no where to be found. Meredith shed her overcoat and slid into a chair by her mother, Derek standing by her.

"Good morning, Mom."

Her mother didn't say anything, just sipped her tea and looked out the window.

"Mom? Mom look at me. It's me Mom, it's Meredith."

Her mother turned to her, but didn't say anything. Her face looked completely blank.

"Dr. Grey?" Derek's voice said over her, and to Meredith's surprise her mother looked up at him.

"Hello there, Dr. Shepard, how are you?"

"I'm fine Dr. Grey, but Meredith has something to tell you." He nodded at Meredith who reached out to take her mother's hand.

"Mom? Mom, can you hear me? Mom, I've got great news. I'm going to have a baby!" She glanced at Derek. "That is, we're going to have a baby. You're going to be a grandma, Mom, isn't that great?"

Her mother looked at Meredith for a moment, and seemed to see her for just a second, before looking back up at Derek. "Did Izzie come with you? She's such a nice girl!"

Meredith sat there, in shock for a minute. She knew her mother couldn't help where her mind took her, but she couldn't seem to accept that at the moment. She couldn't think. All she could do was hoist herself out of the chair and storm out, leaving Derek to grab her coat.

He ran after her in seconds, grabbing her keys from her coat pocket before putting the coat over her shoulders. "I'm driving, Meredith."

She didn't argue with him, just climbed into the passenger side of the car and rested her head against the window.

They drove for five minutes before she could push herself out of the fog enough to say, "She never saw me. Not when I was rebelling, not when I wasn't. But now, now that everything is so perfect; I just wanted her to see me."

Derek reached out a hand and took hers and she clung to him. Still, her mother's words rang in her head, and she ran in the house as soon as Derek parked the car. Izzie was in the front hall, waiting for her to come in. "Meredith! Callie's stuff is every where, she's like, a dog marking territory but the territory isn't hers, it belongs to the dog next door!"

"Seriously? That's such a great metaphor, Stevens! I'm moving it in as fast as I can! George, come on, tell her that his isn't permanent."

"Yeah… um… we're moving it as fast as we—."

"Okay, all of you, just shut up! Seriously! Izzie? I know it's great that you've been visiting my mother and all, but guess what? You're apparently her daughter now. So I'll just go sign over the power of attorney, okay? Because she sees you. She may not see me, but she wants you!"

Derek had come in by then and he put his hands on her shoulders. "Meredith, calm down, it's not Izzie's fault."

She whirled on him, "Easy for you to say, you see her maybe, what, five times? But she recognizes you!" she didn't know what she was doing, really, as she began slamming her fists against his chest.

"Okay, tiny, but perhaps not ineffectual. Meredith, stop. Calm down, baby, it's all right. We'll go back, okay? She'll see you, I promise, at some point she'll see you and the baby and--."

Meredith couldn't listen to him any more. Nothing turned out like that nothing ever did with her mother. She was never proud of Meredith for going to med school, for turning her life around, and now, now that she was having a baby and things were so right. No. Nothing.

She pulled away from Derek, pushed past Izzie and was halfway down the hall when a sharp pain struck against her middle. She doubled over and cried out, and a single thought came into her head: _Maybe it's not perfect after all…_

A/N Long chapter, but I just had to end it there :) review. I know, no Burketina, but you'll get them in the next chapter!


	7. Crash Into Me

**Chapter Seven**

Meredith was only vaguely aware of the commotion around her, Izzie and Derek rushed to her. Derek took one look at her face and picked her up off the ground, she put her arms around his neck and held on as he went out the front door. Izzie followed, with George close behind her.

"George?" she heard Callie call from the steps, but George didn't respond, just ducked into the driver's seat of Meredith's jeep. Derek helped Meredith into the back and climbed in next to her. She leaned against him.

"I'm sure it's okay," she said, trying to stay calm, but she didn't feel calm. Thoughts like: _Why the hell didn't I get that ultrasound?_ were rushing through her head as she held onto Derek's hand.

The drive to the hospital was so natural to all of them, but Meredith had never remembered it taking this long. The pain didn't come again but the fear was there, lingering under her skin, the memory of it and the fear that it would come again. She clutched Derek's jacket, her fingers against his sweater.

He looked down at her, his eyes calming and reassuring, but she could see the worry there. She tried to smile bracingly at him, determined that he was not going to be the only strong one, but she was shaking too much.

"You know what I think?" he whispered to her, "I think you just like the hospital too much to stay away on your day off." She smiled then, knowing that he was trying his hardest to make things seem normal, because that was what he did.

"That's you, remember?" she replied, nuzzling closer to him. Her breath was starting to come faster as she realized that they were still five minutes away from the hospital, and Derek began to murmur to her, telling her to breathe, that they were almost there, and she managed to concentrate only on his voice and obey.

After what seemed like forever, George finally pulled up to the ER underpass and Derek helped Meredith out of the car while George sped off to park. "You okay?" he asked, holding her arm as they walked in, and she nodded. As soon as the glass doors slid open she watched as he morphed into Dr. Shepard.

"I need a wheelchair over here!" he called. "And someone get Dr. Montgomary!" Meredith flinched at the sound of Addison's name, but she knew that she was the best, that she was needed. She sank into the wheelchair just as another spasm of pain hit her and she cried out, clutching Derek's hand. "Dammit! Someone get Addison!" he yelled to the world in general.

Inside, Meredith was recording all of this to tease him with when this was over, when everything would be okay again. Then, suddenly, she was being wheeled back to an exam room, past people who had been waiting for hours. She felt bad about this for just a second, but this was her baby, damn it, and she stopped worrying about everyone else. Something in her vowed never to tell a patient 'You're not my only case today' again.

She was not really aware of what was going on around her from that point. Nurses helped her onto an exam table, and then Addison was there, and Meredith couldn't look at her, could only turn her head and bury it in Derek's sweater, which smelled of him, and he was there for her.

They ran tests, and this had to be good, because if it were a miscarriage Addison would have known right away, right? Meredith was wheeled around, blood was taken, but she could not wrap her head around any of it, could not think. Addison did an ultrasound, and Meredith could kill herself for not having this done earlier. She was a doctor; she was supposed to know these things, for God's sake!

Finally, finally, she was taken to a hospital room, and it was quiet, with only Derek standing by her head and George and Izzie in chairs by the window. The room felt too familiar, too similar to when she had collapsed, but that had led to good news. If it hadn't felt like good news at the time, now it did because this was her baby, hers and Derek's baby, and she wanted it.

The door opened, and she saw George jump, and this made her smirk for just a second, as if her world weren't possibly crashing down around her. Again. Addison entered, followed by Dr. Bailey, which didn't really make sense because Bailey wasn't an intern, wasn't doing gynecology, was about to start her fellowship in cardio.

"Okay, Dr. Grey," Addison said, smiling at her. Meredith gained a new level of appreciation for the woman who could look at her husband's mistress and smile as if she were just another patient. "Good news first: you're not miscarrying."

Meredith let out a breath that she didn't know that she was holding, and Derek's hand stroked her forehead. She looked up, just to see his smile, and she was not disappointed, he is grinning widely.

"Braxton Hicks?" she suggested, looking just over Addison's shoulder at Bailey.

"No," Bailey said, meeting Meredith's eyes, and Addison continued, "Pre-term labor. We've given you drugs to stop the contractions, but there were abnormalities on the ultrasound to make me particularly worried about the consequences of a premature delivery."

"Abnormalities?" Meredith asked, latching onto the word, finally able to look at Addison, because she was the one with the calm soothing voice.

"A slight opening in the back going into the spine and a fluid pocket just outside, which implies--- Stevens?"

"What? Dr. Montgomary, I'm not--!"

"What does it mean, Stevens?"

Meredith turned to Izzie, trying to think of the exact diagnosis, but her brain was so muddled that all she could concentrate on are other's words. "Spina Bifida Cystica or Myelomeningocele, fixable by surgery just after birth or between four and five months in utero, leads to mild to severe paralysis below the damaged vertebrae, possible bowel and bladder control problems and a ninety percent chance of fluid on the brain requiring a shunt to drain." Izzie rattled all of this off as if she hadn't stopped operating for six months, and she looked shocked.

Meredith's mind was rewinding, to the day after Addison showed up at the hospital, when she scrubbed in on a surgery to close a spina bifida cyst in utero. And for her, the window had shut. If only she had gotten that ultrasound.

She did not have to ask the classic patient question, the 'what does this mean?', she knew what it meant. That Addison would be her doctor; Addison would operate on her baby. But Addison was the best, no denying it….

"Meredith?" Bailey's voice penetrated her thoughts, and it sounded much gentler than usual. She didn't look up, only nodded to show that she was listening, but really her mind was not really in the room with all of these people, her mind was with her baby. "Meredith, because of the danger of a baby that already has complications being born too early, you're going to have to stay on bed rest until you reach a safer delivery point."

Meredith's head shot up and she looked frantically from Dr. Bailey to Addison, to Derek. "No! I can't! I—I'm still an intern! Missing too many hours, means I'm out of the program! I can't! I'll be careful, I—"

Her rant was broken by Addison who sat on the edge of the bed and reached for Meredith's hand. "Meredith? Meredith, look at me. Okay, now we are going to sit here and think about this rationally, okay? Okay. You are twenty-four weeks pregnant, and there is a slim chance of a baby being able to survive if it is born now. You don't want that do you? No, you don't. So, by going on bed rest you will, several weeks from now, deliver a baby who is much healthier, and will, very likely, survive the surgery required to give it a perfectly normal life. Both of you will be back on your feet much more quickly, and you will be a surgeon with a healthy little baby. How does that sound?"

"Good. That's good. Okay. I'm okay."

"You're okay," Addison echoed and patted her hand. "So, we're going to keep you in here for tonight, and when you go home tomorrow you will be on strict bed rest, preferably with someone home with you as much as possible."

For some reason this made Meredith laugh. "I'm practically running a boarding house, it shouldn't be a problem," she said, and she heard Izzie snicker.

"Okay then. I'll be back to check on you later." Addison stood and left the room, glancing only for a second at Derek.

"Grey?" Bailey said, becoming Bailey again.

"Yes?"

"Don't do anything stupid, take care of yourself and that baby, and it'll work out better, got that?"

Meredith nodded, wondering if Bailey really thought every decision Meredith ever made outside of the hospital was stupid. Actually, make that outside of medicine, because she had made bad decisions inside the hospital.

"Okay. I'll see you before you're discharged." With that, Bailey was gone, and Meredith was alone with her family. Well, some of her family.

"Is Cristina on call? And Alex? They should know."

"I'll go see," George volunteered. "I should call Callie." Meredith nodded, and George leaned over to smile at her before leaving. "I'm glad you're all right, Meredith, and the baby. You deserve it."

"Thanks, George."

"I should probably go too, leave you two alone for a while," Izzie said, standing up. She smiled down at Meredith. "You're going to be okay." It was half a question, half a statement; and Meredith nodded.

"So are you, Izzie."

"I hope so." She looked away, her eyes slightly unfocused. "I really hope so."

Then she left, and they were alone. Meredith looked up at Derek and smiled slightly. "We're okay," she breathed.

He nodded, and she shifted to make room for him on the bed, he lay down next to her, gathering her in his arms.

"We can do this, right? Take care of a child who has those… issues?" she asked him nervously, just a little bit afraid that he would back out of it, this, whatever they were doing.

"Meredith? I think together you and I can get through anything now."

"Including our McBaby?" Meredith asked with a giggle, that was probably some kind of defense mechanism.

"Including our McBaby. God, that sounds like some kind of fast food meal."

"Derek, shame on you, no cannibalism in our household!" Our household. Had she really just said that?

Derek didn't seem to realize what she said; instead he was nibbling slightly on her ear. "Does that count?" he asked.

"No. Definitely not." Inside her she felt the baby move, turning over in the womb, and she put a hand to her stomach. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

And then, maybe because of the stress of the day, or the adrenaline dying, or the hormones rushing within her, Meredith began to cry. She cried for her baby, thinking that maybe there was something she could have done to make it better, even though she knew there wasn't; she cried for her mother, who may never even know her grandchild; and she cried for herself, for all the turmoil she had been through. Her tears were also for her friends, her family, and for Addison who had just led her through the beginnings of a crisis, even though Meredith had caused Addison's own crisis.

Derek pulled her to him and rubbed her back, rhythmically, soothingly, until she drifted into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

Izzie had not had a real destination when she told Meredith and Dr…. Derek, that she would leave them alone, she had just seen the looks on their faces. Meredith looked as if she had just survived a train wreck, which she had, a year long train wreck, and Derek was looking as if he wanted to kiss the hell out of Meredith for making it through this. Even though Izzie was trying to make herself seriously used to the fact that her best friend was with McDreamy, for good, it still bothered her enough to want out of that room before the 'kissing the hell out of Meredith' happened.

So, she left, and wandered. She had spent some time on the maternity ward back when she was an intern, another lifetime ago, but it was always George and Meredith that watched the babies as if it were a drug. She was always too busy for that, she told herself, when she really knew that it hurt too much. Now, though, she found herself in front of the large glass window staring in at the little bundles of baby. Some were obviously squalling, other slept with fingers or pacifiers in mouths. One baby, directly in front of the window, just stared out at the new world as if trying to figure it all out.

_Good luck,_ Izzie thought bitterly. _I've been trying that for going on twenty-eight years._ Suddenly, she felt old.

"Adorable, aren't they?" A voice said, and it startled her.

"Dr. Montgomary!"

"Stevens, you're not an intern any more and your best friend is having my husband's baby, you can either call me Addison or Satan, pick one."

"Addison. You startled me."

"I tend to do that. Do you know why I put you on the spot in there?"

"Not exactly…."

"Because, Izzie, you have a gift. Now, you may not want to be a surgeon, and that's fine. However, gifts should not be wasted. Trust me on that. You're good at surgery, but you're better at connecting to patients, to guiding people through ordeals. I'm giving you this advice only once, so take it or leave it. You should go into Obstetrics, become a midwife or work at a clinic. You don't have to work at this hospital if you don't want to, but you don't need to waste what you've been given."

Watching Addison's face Izzie saw the pain there, pain that had obviously not been shown to anyone else. Addison knew what she was talking about. "Okay. Thanks. I'll think about it. I think you're right. Actually, you're probably definitely right…." Izzie trailed off, thinking that she probably sounded very stupid, but the other woman was not really listening to her any more.

"Okay then. I'll see you later, Stevens."

Izzie nodded, and turned back to the babies, the pensive one had closed its eyes and was sleeping soundly. As she watched the baby, her mind wandered, to her own baby. Possibly the reason she had this gift was the fact that she had gone through pregnancy and birth at an early age, when she was impressionable. Her own doctor had been young, just out of med school, and determined to convince Izzie that there were other options. She knew that Izzie was smart and wanted out of the trailer park. She believed in her, unlike Izzie's mother.

Izzie took a breath, and knew, knew without a doubt that she could still do something, be someone. She had gotten over great obstacles before, after all. She smiled to herself as she felt something settle inside of her. She had a purpose, a purpose that wasn't driving her roommates crazy, or visiting Meredith's mother. She could help more than one person at a time.

Suddenly, there were footsteps and she turned to see George approaching her. "Hey," she said, grinning at him.

"Hey."

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Callie's kind of pissed that I ditched her like that, but I wasn't thinking about anything but-."

"The baby, yeah, I know. Callie gets it, right? That we're, like, a family? It's not that you're romantically into Meredith any more or anything."

"Yeah, she knows. And I think she gets it. Actually, she's on her way up here now to check on Mer, to apologize for upsetting her and all."

"Oh. I should probably do that." Izzie sighed, some of the happiness going out of her. "Poor Meredith, to approach her mother and have her not recognize her just when everything else was going so well. It sucks. Yesterday her mom was doing really well, and she was asking where Mer was, that's why I told her that it was a good idea to go today."

"It wasn't you're fault, Iz."

"I know. It just sucks."

Izzie looked back at the babies and her smile returned. "You guys are right, this is like a drug. Hey George?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think I'd be a good OB-GYN?"

George was obviously startled, and he turned away from the babies to look up at her. "Yeah, I think you'd be great at it, but it's still surgery, Izzie."

"I know. But if I know my specialty… I think maybe the chief would let me stick with it. I mean, it's unlikely I'll fall in love with my patients…."

George smiled. "True. Now their husbands…"

"Do I look like Meredith? Oh my God! That sounded horrible!"

"I don't know, Izzie, I'd say it's about time I rubbed off on you," Alex said, as he came up behind her.

She rolled her eyes, but smiled at him. "What are you doing up here?"

"Checking up on Meredith."

"How is she?" George and Izzie asked at the exact same time.

"She's asleep. Shepard's watching her like… a watchdog. Or a shepherd."

"Somehow," Izzie said, smirking, "I doubt that Meredith would appreciate the 'lost lamb' analogy."

George laughed, as Cristina rounded the corner. "Hey, is Mer okay?"

"Yeah," Izzie said. "She's okay, but she's going to be on bed rest until the baby's bigger. Spina bifida."

"Poor Meredith," Cristina said, but Izzie thought that she sounded somewhat distracted as she watched the babies in the nursery.

"Yeah. But I think she can handle it," George said, turning away from the babies.

"Of course she can," Alex said. "Grey's tough. And Shepard's great with kids, have to give him that one."

"Yeah," Izzie agreed. "And, hey, she'll have us."

"Definitely," Alex replied.

"Of course," George put in.

"Well, duh." Cristina added, smiling. The four of them stood there, but there was a feeling that something was missing, without Meredith they were incomplete. Izzie wondered, briefly, how it happened. How five people thrown together by their drive to be surgeons had become so close, but then she decided to stop thinking about it, and just accept it, as Alex took her hand and squeezed it.

* * *

Cristina wasn't on call, but she stayed at the hospital until Meredith woke up, because she had to make sure for herself that she was okay. It wasn't that Meredith was particularly good at hiding her feelings, but Izzie and George were more likely to accept her lies.

"Hi," Meredith said; when Cristina entered the room. McDreamy was asleep in one of the god-awful chairs against the wall, and Meredith was whispering so that she didn't disturb him.

"Hey. How are you? Truth."

"Truth? I'm scared. But, I don't know, I'm so relieved that I didn't lose the baby, or that it's not something worse. I mean, it's bad, but…. But I work here, and I've seen so much worse, you know?"

"Yeah." Cristina sighed.

"Oh. Sorry. I wasn't thinking--."

"No, no it's okay. It's just, Burke's been talking about kids."

"What?"

"Yeah. He thinks that since he's still recovering steadily, that maybe he'll just keep up the physical therapy, take a leave of absence and—."

"And what? He'll carry the baby?"

"No! He's thinking about adoption. I mean, I can still have… but he thinks that it would be beneficial both 'for our family and career' if we adopt. We're not even married, haven't even talked about it and he's going on like this…"

"He realized he's mortal," Meredith murmured.

"Huh?" Cristina said, turning to her friend in confusion. From the corner of the room the still-sleeping Dr. Shepard snored

Meredith smiled, and looked over at him, and Cristina saw the happiness in her eyes. Then Meredith turned back and became serious again to answer the question. "When you're close to death, you start thinking about everything you'll never have, things you'll never see. Who you will never get to become. Burke's come close to losing one of the things he valued, his ability to save lives, and to have children. To raise children right. So, he's wanting that now, before time runs out. Because you never know what will happen."

Cristina thought about this for a minute, watching Meredith's face in the dim light from the hallway. "Is that why you were so sure about keeping it? Because you were afraid?"

"Maybe. I don't know. I think that maybe I thought some part of me was ready, ready to be a better mother than my mother had been. Also, and this may seem stupid, but I wanted to do have a baby before my mother dies. I… I never knew my grandparents and… well even though she's not really there…." she trailed off, blinking back tears, and Cristina put a hand on her shoulder. "And then there's the fact that I didn't want to just give it up and lose all hope. All hope for me, for us," she glanced over at the man sleeping nearby, the man she loved. "Does that make sense?"

Cristina took a deep breath. "Yeah, it does. You understand Burke better than I do."

"Maybe. Or maybe I've just been through everything. You tend to be more empathetic when that happens. That and I'm pregnant, remember? Pregnant makes you care."

Cristina laughed. "Yeah. I remember. Although, now I'm not sure. It may not have been the pregnant part."

"What else could have been?" Meredith asked, attempting to sit up. Automatically Cristina reached up and helped her, pulling a pillow up behind her back.

"The having friends part," Cristina said, smiling. "You all changed me. I blame you."

"Really, you should thank me. I mean, no one likes to be a machine for their entire life." Meredith grinned, and Cristina realized that she had missed this Meredith. Yeah, she had been happy with Finn, but she hadn't been content. This was content Meredith.

"But you know what? I think that you succeeded in humanizing Burke. So it's a circle, really. The circle of life."

"Oh please, don't turn into a Disney mom," Cristina said quickly, shaking her head.

"Hey, come on, The Lion King _is_ Hamlet, and _that's_ culture. "

"Think what you want, it's still singing and dancing animals. Not a fan."

"Yeah, okay. Point taken. With my luck though, this kid'll be a Disney-Princess-Halloween-Costume-Wearing-Girl."

"Do you know if it is? A girl, I mean."

Meredith shook her head. "I don't want to know."

"I thought you hated surprises."

Meredith smiled, and looked over at Shepard again. "I did once, now I'm not so sure."

"So he turned you back into a romantic? Pity."

Meredith laughed, and attempted to stifle it quickly, but McDreamy jolted awake and looked up at them. Cristina couldn't usually tell what Meredith saw in him, but his look when he saw Meredith with the sheets up to her mouth trying to muffle her laughter said it all. He really was crazy about her.

* * *

Wheelchair again, being wheeled out of the hospital by George. Meredith's life was going full circle quite often lately, but this time there was the added bonus of having Derek waiting in the car for her. He was taking the first shift of Operation "Keep Bailey Happy" aka Operation "Entertain Meredith so She Stays on Bed Rest". Whatever, it all amounted to babysitting her and all of her grumbling about Izzie becoming Merry Poppins was ignored when her friends had discussed these plans with the air of people fighting a war. Even Cristina and Alex, who she knew still held disdain for Derek, plunged in and offered their time.

Still, even being baby-sat that had its advantages, she mused as she sat at the kitchen table watching Derek cook for her. Sure, he was only making grilled cheese sandwiches, but it was the thought that counted and he'd have to get used to making grilled cheese with a kid around. After the scare, the fact that they were actually going to be adding a child to their lives became more real. The fact that she could have _delivered_ the day before was especially frightening, as she didn't have anything planned.

"Derek? We should probably talk about things," she said, just before biting into her grilled cheese.

"Watch it! That's hot! You're hot. Hotness is emanating from both you and the sandwich, making everything all the more dangerous."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Stop it. I'm not hot, I'm pregnant, and you are avoiding the subject."

"No I'm not. And pregnant or not I'm allowed to think you are hot. So, things. What kind of things? Us things?"

"Us things. Like, where are we going to live? I don't want to kick George and Izzie out, but we don't really have room to spare. I mean, yeah, you and I could move into the master and put the baby in my room, that would work, but it's getting crowded."

To her surprise, his eyes sparkled. "Don't worry," he said, grinning. "I've got a plan."

"And that plan is? 'Cause I don't think the neighbors would approve of us expanding. This is a townhouse." Derek laughed and popped a cheeto into his mouth. "Derek, I don't like secrets, remember? Secrets are bad for our relationship."

"Going to leave me, Mer? I'm thinking you wouldn't get very far right now." He grinned and she stuck her tongue out at him. He tossed a cheeto that he was about to eat at her, and this led to an all out cheeto war.

"So, probably not the best role model behavior," Meredith commented as she watched Derek scooping orange cheese puffs off the floor and into the trash.

"Probably not," Derek agreed, "But I think there have been worse."

She laughed and allowed him to walk with her into the living room where they both settled on the couch to make fun of stupid daytime TV shows.

The next day, Izzie was on Meredith-duty, but she was also preparing for a meeting with the chief that afternoon. Meredith sat on the couch in her Dartmouth T-shirt watching Izzie run up and down the stairs wearing different, but all very professional looking, outfits.

"Izzie!" she called, "The man has seen you in blood-covered scrubs; I think you can stop worrying!"

"Says the girl whose mother the chief is obsessed with!" Izzie called back. "If I were you, I wouldn't be worrying."

"You don't know the half of it," Meredith muttered under her breath, flipping the TV to an I Love Lucy rerun.

Derek had that afternoon off, he told her, but knowing his schedule Meredith guessed he took it off, and he came in just in time to pass Izzie who was running out the door while fastening in an earring.

"Hasn't the chief seen her covered in bodily fluids?" he asked, sitting down next to Meredith.

"That's what I've been saying," she commented, laying her head on his shoulder. "How was the hospital?"

"Boring, without you," he said, and she slapped him gently on the arm. "I'm serious! Anyway, I have something for you."

"Presents?" she asked, grinning.

He reached for his bag and pulled out the laptop that she'd seen at the trailer. Her own laptop had met an unfortunate end after she'd received her residency offers, involving drinking too much beer, her not the computer, and a fall from a balcony, the computer not her. At any rate, she'd never gotten around to replacing it.

"It's got wireless internet. I figured you could shop for baby things while you're cooped up here. Baby things which I'll pay for, of course."

Her eyes widened. "Derek, you don't have to—" he reached over and put a finger to her lips.

"Yeah I do. I owe you, and I owe the baby, and we're going to be even before it's born."

"Well, since you put it that way," she laughed. "Honestly, I'm not sure where to begin. I think my old crib and stuff is up in the attic, so possibly a changing table. I had a rocking horse that I think is still up there…."

"I'll take George and we'll have an expedition," he promised. "But it'll need toys, books, diapers, food, a highchair, bottles. All the crazy odds and ends my sisters can't leave home without."

"Tell me about them," Meredith said suddenly.

"What? The odds and ends?"

"No! Your sisters."

"Okay. Megan is the oldest, and she lives in Providence with her husband and their three boys. Triplets. She stays at home. Teresa's divorced, twin girls, one boy. She's in advertising, successful and lives in Manhattan.

"Molly's the record breaker. Three girls, four boys and she says she's not done. Her husband Nathan tends to disagree. She home schools too. I think she's nuts for that, but there you go.

"Erin, she's the free spirit, flower-child one. She adopted a little boy from Russia, she's single and she runs her own business from her house. She reminds me of you; actually, I think you'd get along."

Meredith took a moment to absorb all of this, stared at him for a second and then said: "Derek? It's a good thing you didn't tell me that multiples run in your family, or I may not have slept with you that night at Joe's."

Derek laughed deeply and pulled her to him.

That night, she lay on her side in bed, waiting for Derek to come in, but she drifted off before the door opens. When she was jarred awake by the slight shift when he climbed into bed the red numbers on the alarm clock flashed 11:30 at her.

"Where were you?" she murmured, turning to face him. He put a finger on her cheek and traced her jaw line.

"Working on the plan," he said, with a teasing smile.

"Still not going to tell me?" she asked, sleepily, sliding down on her pillow.

"Not yet."

"I don't like secrets."

"I know."

"Mkay. Good night."

"I love you, Meredith."

"Love you too. Like you wouldn't believe."

A/N Review! So, when this is over I'm thinking either a sequel or a new story, what do you all think? And yes, I know they're being cutesy-cute, but they've a baby on the way, and they're happy. Trust me, there will be more drama coming up!


	8. Time Goes By

**Chapter Eight**

"Derek has plans," Meredith repeated for what, according to Cristina's count, must have been the millionth time in the hour since Cristina and Burke had arrived at her house.

"We've established that," Cristina said, looking up at Meredith from her spot on the floor. "What are you going to do? Run? Because you're not going to-."

"Get very far; yes I've heard that joke once or twice in the past week. And I know I'm hopelessly annoying because I repeat things incessantly when I'm in shock. I am aware of that, but he has _plans_ Cristina. We're talking about the man who, just under a month ago, had a _wife_ and now he has plans. With me."

"He's not the first. Finn had plans," Cristina said, and then instantly wished she hadn't. Not that she was going to take it back, but Finn was not a good subject to bring up. As she expected, Meredith's face immediately went dark and she looked away from Cristina towards the stairs.

Cristina pushed herself up onto the couch next to Meredith as Burke came in carrying water glasses and handed one to Meredith. "Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up McVet, but I'm just saying that you are a person that guys have plans with. End of story. And chances are these plans will end up being a good thing for you. Don't fight it."

"Are you sure you're talking about me?" Meredith asked, and Cristina glared at her. Why did she have to be such a perceptive person when things were going well for her? Sure, one McDreamy problem and the girl was totally self-centered, but smooth things out and the rest of the world became her feeding ground for drama.

Burke cleared his throat and they both turned to him. "So, Meredith, have you decided what your specialty will be? I heard the chief is demanding answers."

Meredith nodded, shifting on the couch so that she was looking out the window. "I have. Thought about it that is, and I think I'm going to go into neurosurgery. It's not because of Derek," she added quickly, "It's because of my mother, it's because the brain is such a mystery. It's because…. I don't know…. There's just something absolutely incredible about fixing someone's brain, make them be able to see again, to walk, to talk…." She shrugged. "I guess…. I guess I have decided." She smiled.

Cristina wished that she had this certainty. Alex had known for years that he wanted to go into plastics, and George was going into cardio, but she just was not sure.

"Has Izzie heard from the chief yet?" Burke asked, and Cristina focused on the conversation going on around her again.

"No. He said he'd let her know in a day or two. I think he'll let her continue on: probably he'll let her go straight into residency but have Addison…. Treat her like an intern, I guess, for a while. I mean, she's missed six months. It's hard to believe we're actually going to be residents…." She trailed off, but in her voice was everything Cristina had been feeling lately. Were they really ready?

Just then, the door opened and in came George carrying a take-out bag. "Someone order Chinese?" he asked, grinning.

"Me!"

Cristina stared at her. "Meredith? You hate Chinese."

"I know," Meredith said, pulling up on George's arm and walking with him to the kitchen, "Normally I do, I was just craving it today."

Cristina shook her head, and Burke followed the other two into the kitchen. Cristina stayed there on the couch for a moment, thinking, and Burke came back in and sat next to her.

"Are you all right?" he asked, taking her hand.

"Yeah, of course. Meredith's right, it's kind of weird that we won't be interns any more."

"You're going to be great, you know," Burke said, "Whatever you choose, whatever you do."

Cristina nodded, and then took a deep breath. "Burke? About the kid thing. No, let me talk, it's not that I don't want kids. I didn't for a long time, but I think, with you, I could possibly handle it. Just not yet, okay? Let's just wait a little while, okay?"

He nodded and smiled softly at her. "Okay. You know, that's the closest thing to a commitment you've ever given since you admitted that this was a relationship?"

"Shut up," she said, and then got up to go into the kitchen.

* * *

"You're not walking downstairs," Derek commented as Meredith sat on the bed, fully dressed and watched him pull a sweater over his head.

"What?"

"You've been doing great, but there's only so much you can do without putting stress on the baby. Hence the fact, I'm not letting you walk up or down the stairs now."

"How exactly do you plan to stop me?"

"Like this," he said, and the next thing she knew he had scooped her up and was heading towards the door.

'Derek! Put me down!" she said, laughing.

George's door opened and Callie came out, watching them. "Why are you guys so cute, so early?" she asked, scowling at them. George came into the doorway behind her and grinned. Meredith met his eyes and she knew; he was just glad that she was happy. And she was. Happy. It was a nice change.

Derek deposited her on the couch. "There, you're now free to go any where that you want, that's on the bottom floor of this house."

Meredith grinned at him, and then looked around the room in shock. Bags from Izzie's favorite yarn store were everywhere; she knew Izzie had gone out the night before, but this seemed like overkill, even for her.

"Why has an entire sheep farm exploded in your living room?" Callie asked, coming downstairs.

"Ask Izzie," Meredith replied, and then she looked up at Derek. "Shouldn't you be going to work?"

"I am," he grinned, "But I'm coming home for lunch." He raised his eyebrows.

"Am I going to hear about the plan?" she asked, trying but failing to sound as if she was just inquiring politely.

"Maybe," he said, and then leaned down to kiss her. "'Bye."

"'Bye," she said. He left as Izzie came downstairs. "Izzie? What's up with the Cat Heaven theme down here?"

Izzie grinned and sat down next to Meredith on the couch, pulling a bag onto her lap and digging out three skeins of yarn and needles. "You and I are going to knit baby stuff."

Meredith raised her eyebrows. "Izzie, I'm not the best at knitting, remember?"

"Yeah. But you have time now, so we're going to try again. No time like the present. It just helps that at the present you've got plenty of time on your hands."

George came in then, handing them each a cereal bowl. "Callie and I are having dinner with her mom tonight, so we won't be back 'til late," he said, sitting on the floor with his own cereal bowl.

"George, I'm not your mother," Meredith pointed out. "The big bad heart surgeon doesn't have to report in." George smiled self-assuredly and shrugged.

"Says the brain surgeon," he replied, grinning at her. "Did you let the chief know?"

"Yeah, I called him." It had been a rather awkward call, really, but she had let him know her decision and that was what mattered.

Not long after George and Callie headed to the hospital and Meredith was alone with Izzie, who was attempting to teach her how to knit again. By lunch time she had managed to get started on a little baby hat, without throwing the needles across the room more than once. Izzie was already making good progress on a tiny sweater, and Meredith kept flashing her envious looks whenever she finished the stitches on a needle. They worked in companionable silence for a while until the phone rang, startling Izzie so much that she dropped one of her needles and Meredith laughed.

"Hello?" Izzie said, sticking her tongue out at Meredith who had a throw pillow pushed up against her face to keep her laughter from being heard on the other end. "Oh, hi Chief Webber. You what? Oh, yes. Thank you. Thank you so much. Yes, I'll be there. Thank you! Thank you so much! Yes sir, good bye!"

Izzie's grin was huge as she clicked off the cordless phone. "Well?" Meredith said, even though she knew that it had to have been good news.

"We need to rework the Operation Meredith schedule, because starting next Monday, I'll be working!"

Meredith laughed. "Oh Izzie, that's great!"

"Yeah," Izzie said, still grinning, but peering at her knitting in a way that made Meredith, none-too-reluctantly, put down her own needles and reach out to put a hand on her friend's arm.

"You okay?"

"Mmhmm. It's just that it's been so long, and I really thought I wasn't right to be a surgeon…."

"Izzie, maybe there are some parts of surgery you don't like, and who knows, you could decide to just operate a regular practice, but there will be times when you can save more than by operating. You'll be saving lives of people who haven't even lived yet, giving them a chance. The rest of us, well, we're just giving second chances."

Izzie looked up at Meredith and nodded. "Yeah. You're right. I can handle this."

"Yeah, you can. Now get over here and show me how to decrease, I'm not planning on having a cone-head for a child."

Izzie laughed and showed her. Meredith watched as she did, watch as Izzie expertly worked the yarn and suddenly she wondered something.

"Izzie? When did you learn how to knit?"

Izzie paused, mid-stitch, and looked up. "When I was sixteen," she answered after a moment's thought. "I…. I wanted to knit things for my baby. I mean, I couldn't send much with her, but they were always willing to accept little hats and things."

Meredith nodded and they worked in silence after that.

Fifteen minutes, or so, later the front door opened and Derek came in. Meredith was concentrating on the hat and didn't look up at him at first. "I hope this doesn't mean you're attempting celibacy again," Derek teased, pushing aside one of the paper bags of yarn.

"Hey. No, although having this baby might. Izzie and I are just knitting stuff for it."

He nodded. "Okay. Ready for lunch?"

"Yeah, what are we—oh come on, not again!" he hadn't waited for her to finish her sentence before picking her up off of the couch and carrying her to the door.

"Izzie, you now have the afternoon off."

"Because, you know, babysitting me is such a burden--."

Izzie laughed. "Well, I think I'll go visit your mother then. Want me to tell her anything?"

Meredith shrugged. "If she's lucid, explain things to her, I guess. I-." but she didn't get a chance to finish, because Derek was taking them both out the door and down the townhouse steps. He loaded her into his car and away they went.

"Where are we going?" Meredith asked, watching him. He had the strangest smile on his face, and it made her very suspicious. "Are you taking me to meet your harem? No? In that case we must be taking a ferryboat to your private island. Jetting off to the Caribbean? Having tea with the queen?"

He just shook his head and clasped her hand in his.

"Mr. Secretive. McPrivate. Haha, I've seen your McPrivates…. I'm going to continue to talk this way until you give me an answer, I can be very annoying when I want to be. Ask my mother, or every housekeeper that she attempted to hire and keep. Kind of like the mom on that show… Gilmore Girls. With the maid. Yeah."

"Mer?"

"Yes?"

"Stop rambling, I'm not going to tell you and you're going to sit there and wait."

"McBossy." Meredith said, crossing her arms over her chest and pouting. She looked out the window and suddenly realized where they were heading. "Derek? Why are we going to the trailer?" he reached over and put a finger to her lips.

"Patience is a virtue."

"Because we're the most virtuous people ever," Meredith grumbled, but she sat back and let him drive. When they reached his land she started to get out of the car but he had come around and was picking her up before she could so much as get out of the car.

She sighed and put her arms around his neck. The weather was gorgeous, for a change, and she looked up at the clear blue sky, with the sun just showing through the trees on Derek's land. "I can walk to the trailer, you know."

"I know. And if we were going to the trailer, I'd let you walk."

Meredith's curiosity was peaked but she didn't say anything, just allowed herself to relax, feeling safe in his arms. They walked past the trail that they used to take with Doc, into the woods a little and they reached the top of a hill and Meredith's breath caught in her chest. There was a picnic laid out on the grass, with a beautiful view of the stream behind it. Derek set her gently on the blanket and sat down next to her opening the basket.

"Sparkling grape juice," he said pulling out the bottle, "Eggsalad, chips, fruit, carrots and brownies." Meredith stared at him in awe as he laid it all out and the wind ruffled his hair. "All of this _is_ for eating, you know," he commented handing her a sandwich. She bit into it, and stared at him for a few moments longer before she could really accept the fact that they were indeed having a picnic.

Only then could she look around and appreciate the incredible view. "Derek, this is gorgeous," she breathed.

"Isn't it? It's my new favorite place on the land. I had to share it with you. There's a lot I want to share with you." She looked at him, sidelong, but didn't comment, just sipped the juice which he had poured into wine glasses.

They talked about small things for a while, the hospital, the knitting, George and Callie. He told her about his appointment with Burke that day, that he seemed vastly improved. As they talked Meredith wondered how it was that they never ran out of conversation, but they never did. Their silence wasn't awkward, it was just them. Being together.

It was only as she finished a brownie that she remembered. Derek had plans, but before she could say anything he seemed to remember too. He reached over for her hand. "Meredith? I know I've made mistakes, mistakes that have hurt you and me and Addison. Mistakes that could have and should have been avoided. And I'm not stupid, I know that you probably shouldn't have forgiven me. That you should be happy and I shouldn't be. However, I tend to prefer the 'both of us happy' option. And Mer? You make me happy. I was never happy during the time we were apart. I tried. Damn did I try. But nothing worked. Because I love you.

"Finding out that you were pregnant, it was a wake-up call for me. I realized that this was a sign; this was the choice I should have made. I love you and I want to be with you. I'm never going to leave you, if you want me. I know that may be hard for you to believe, because I don't have the best record for staying with people, but I love you like you wouldn't believe. I can't imagine you doing anything that would make me stop loving you."

Meredith watched him in shock as he reached into the inner pocket of his jacket, and suddenly she knew what was happening, she knew, and all she could do was stare. He pulled out the small ring box and opened it, and she knew that she was supposed to exclaim over it, but all that she could do was watch his eyes and drown in them.

"Meredith Grey, would you marry me?"

She was aware that she was nodding, but barely, as she started to cry and held out a shaking hand for him to put the ring on. He kissed her after putting the ring on, and it was perfect, so perfect. She absolutely couldn't believe that this was happening.

"You want me?" she asked, when she could speak. "You really want _me_?"

"Yes," Derek answered solemnly. "I want you. I think that I have always wanted you. Now, about the rest of the plan." He grinned. "See the land just below here? Where the trailer is and to the right of that? That's where our house will be. I've already talked to some people about it; they can break ground in three months, just after the baby is born."

"We're building a house?" Meredith said. "We're building a house?"

"Yes. We're building a house. You'll still have your mother's house, but we'll also have this house. Our house."

Meredith didn't know what to do, so she laid her head in his lap and smiled to herself, fingering her engagement ring. His fingers ran through her hair, and she looked over the land where their house would stand feeling completely content.

* * *

"Meredith?"

"Yeah?"

"I have something to tell you. Don't get mad, okay?"

"Like I could be mad at you right now? Seriously?"

"You may, over this. Here's the thing: the other night? When I was working on the plan? I went to your father's to ask him for your hand."

"You _what_?"

"I know, it sounds insane. I know, all the daddy problems, and he left you. I know. But I saw him that day at the hospital, and I thought he would want to know. I was thinking, you've said that you didn't want the baby to not have a father, and I was thinking about how it must have been for your father to be willing…. Well I couldn't give you up and I'm just in love with you…. So I went."

"You're nuts. Have I told you that? Completely nuts. Seriously, completely nuts. Utterly, seriously--."

"Okay, I get it. Mer. He wants to see you."

"Oh, yeah, now he does."

"He seemed really sincere, I think since your sister had a baby—"

"Half-sister."

"He's realizing that he doesn't want to lose you and your baby. Kind of like me."

"There's a difference. You're here."

"But I almost wasn't. Maybe he made the same mistake. He just realized it a lot too late."

"Okay. I'll see him. I just—it's so hard. I mean, I spent years dreaming of the day I'd find him. And then, I did, and he didn't want me. It's like he was afraid to know me. He had to ask George about me."

"Don't cry, Mer. It'll be all right. If he upsets you again, I'll kill him, but I don't think he will."

"Going to punch out my father too? Or just attack him with a scalpel?"

* * *

"Where's Meredith?" Ellis Grey asked Izzie. She was sitting at a table looking agitated and tapping her fingers against a saucer.

"She's—Dr. Grey?"

"Yes, what is it? I've got to report to the chief in an hour."

"Okay. Meredith's sick, Dr. Grey."

The woman met Izzie's eyes, and Izzie saw concern in them. "I need to talk to her. Get me a phone, I'll call her."

Izzie was shocked, but she knew that the best thing to do would be to appease her, so Izzie pulled out her cell phone and dialed the house, wondering if Meredith was home yet.

"Hello?"

"Mer? You okay?" she sounded strange, as if she had been crying but there was a note of happiness in her voice.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll tell you when you get back. What's up?"

"Well," Izzie said slowly, "I'm here with your mom and she wants to talk to you."

"She what?"

"I told her you were sick and she wants to talk to you, okay?"

"Um, okay."

Izzie handed the phone to Dr. Grey and she could just hear Meredith say, "Hi, Mommy," and then she listened to only the mother's side of the conversation.

"Meredith honey? Are you all right?" Izzie watched as Ellis Grey's face turned soft/ "Good. You're taking fluids, right? Okay. Order out if you have to, I don't trust that new woman's cooking skills. Okay baby, get some rest. Love you." She handed the phone back to Izzie and just as suddenly her face retained a familiar glazed expression.

"Mer?" Izzie said softly.

"Thank you," Meredith said quietly and Izzie could hear fresh tears in her voice this time. "I think I needed that."

Izzie looked back at Meredith's mother and saw that a small smile was on her face. "I think you both did," she commented. "I'll be home soon."

Izzie stayed for a little while longer, talking to Dr. Grey who only occasionally seemed to hear her, but she left earlier than she usually did. Her head was filled with thoughts about the fact that on Monday she would be working again.

She would also be spending a lot of time with Addison Shepard, something that she had yet to mention to Meredith or Derek. She wondered if she was really ready. The thought of Denny still made her throat constrict, but she didn't burst into tears every time she thought about him. She didn't feel guilty when Alex kissed her, only as if she was making progress in her life.

It was hard, but Denny had said once that she was a great doctor, and she intended to continue in this fashion.

It suddenly occurred to her that she hadn't told Alex. Maybe she wouldn't. She'd surprise him.

This thought, the thought of his face when she walked into the locker room, made her smile.

She pulled into Meredith's driveway and was surprised to see that Derek's car was still there, he must have really taken the entire afternoon off. In the living room, he sat with his arm around Meredith. They were watching Casablanca on the TV, but Meredith muted it when she saw Izzie.

"That movie," Izzie said, sitting on a chair. "Is really, strangely, apt for you all."

"Except, not, because I was nowhere near as classy as Humphrey Bogart, I didn't let them fade into the distance, in case you haven't seen him around lately," she indicated Derek.

"Yes, but Humphrey didn't have the 'win her back by getting pregnant' option," Derek commented. Izzie thought that this might bother Meredith, but Meredith only whacked him with a pillow.

It was then that Izzie saw the ring on Meredith's finger.

"Mer?" she asked, "Something you want to share?"

Meredith blushed and then looked up at Derek. "We're… We're getting married, Izzie," she said it carefully, as if she though Izzie might get upset. But she wasn't. Jealous maybe, because it should have been her and Denny, but she was also happy for Meredith and Meredith was obviously happy.

"Congratulations!" she said heartily, hugging Meredith, but as soon as Meredith looked away she gave Derek the 'if you hurt her you will die' look that Cristina had perfected. Izzie had tweaked it to include a huge smile, with the death look only in her eyes.

* * *

George came home alone after the dinner with Callie, her mother had insisted that Callie go with her to talk. He entered the living room quietly, expecting the whole house to be asleep, but to his surprise one floor lamp was on in the living room and Meredith sat there in her Dartmouth T-shirt, fingering a ring on her finger. A new ring.

George went into her and sat on the couch. "What are you doing up?"

"Waiting for you. I didn't want to go to bed, and Derek apparently trusts you to help me up the stairs."

"Are you ready?"

She shrugged.

"Nice ring."

A smile crept over her face and her eyes lit up. "Thanks. I think so." She looked up at him. "George? I need an honest answer. Am I being a fool? Are things about to blow up in my face?"

"If it does there are at least six people I can think of that will form a mob and chase Derek out of town."

Meredith laughed aloud and the smile returned. "Where's Callie?" she asked after a moment, seeming reassured.

"With her mom. They were getting on so well they wanted girl time." He smiled. "She's happy, you know. Her mom said she hadn't been this happy in a long time."

"I bet Callie was totally embarrassed by that one."

"Yeah, she was," he said quietly.

"George?" Meredith said suddenly. "You're thinking about breaking it off, aren't you?"

"What? How did you-? I mean, why would you think that?"

"Because, you're speaking in that tone, the 'I've fixed it now I'm moving away' tone that guys get when they think they're done with a girl." He must have looked obviously confused or she was just going into a Meredith-rant, because she continued. "I've known plenty of them. There have been guys that thought that they could fix me, Finn was one of them. But that time we were both damaged, but whoever fixed who first was bound to move away. And that time it was me.

"You're that type, George. Olivia looked fragile and shy, but she wasn't. She had been with Alex. You thought that you could fix me, because I was so obviously hurt on the night you met me. But here's the thing: Robin Hooding doesn't work with girls. It's great for a surgeon, bad for relationships. Callie loves you, George, and I know you love her. Don't step away just because you think that now that she's happy she doesn't need you. Because she does. I do—." she clapped a hand over her mouth and George watched her deciding to go ahead with what she was saying.

"Just because I have Derek now doesn't mean that I don't need my friends, just like because Callie's happy doesn't mean that she doesn't need you. Okay?"

George nodded and knew that she was right.

"Okay." she looked down at her ring again. "Okay. George?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you help me to bed now?"

She stood and he offered his arm out to her, but before she took it she wrapped her arms around him. He felt the baby against him and Meredith's breathe against his neck, and he knew. What Alex had said long ago was true. She was like his sister. With that knowledge, he hugged her back.

* * *

It was ridiculously early in the morning when Cristina's cell phone rang, and it was in the living room. Somehow she managed to get out of bed without disturbing Burke and get to the phone before it stopped ringing, both feats of which she was proud of.

"Hello?"

"Hey, did I wake you?"

"Well, Meredith, it is six o'clock in the morning on my day off…" Cristina replied flopping onto the couch.

"Sorry. I wanted to call you before Derek woke up. I need to talk to you."

"Okay, talk," Cristina sighed, wondering how she had managed to like someone who was one of those people who called to talk at dawn.

"Derek, asked me to marry him. I said yes. I want to marry him. I just can't help thinking that--."

"That you could be the next She-of-the-Salmon-Scrubs?" Cristina asked knowingly.

"Yeah. Something like that. Am I crazy? 'Cause I think I'm crazy. I mean, the man of my dreams, father of my child and I are engaged and I'm flipping out!"

"Okay, first of all, for you this is not flipping out. Secondly, his track record is such that I fully support all worry. Finally, and you know I'm not McDreamy's biggest fan, but Mer? You should probably talk to him about it. Try it. It works."

"You? You Cristina Marie Yang are telling me to talk to someone instead of talking to everyone else behind their back? I'm shocked."

"Shut up." In the other room, Cristina could hear Burke beginning to stir.

"We're going to build a house together, Cristina. That's permanent. He's planning on permanency." There was wonder in Meredith's voice, and Cristina knew, she wasn't willing to rock the boat.

"Talk to Derek, Mer. He'll understand."

"Cristina!" Burke called from the other room, and Cristina jumped at the tone of his voice.

"Gotta go," she said, hanging up with Meredith.

"Cristina!"

A/N Review please!


	9. Little White Flowers

**Chapter Nine**

Cristina raced to the bedroom tossing her phone onto the coffee table. She didn't know what to expect, she could not read the tone of Burke's yell, so she ran. She skidded to a halt in the bedroom and saw Burke sitting on the side of the bed, buttoning his shirt. He grinned at him and watched his hands as he slipped each small button through its hole.

She stared at him, stared at his once-nimble fingers as they struggled with the task, but managed it. Without shaking. He wasn't trembling. He buttoned the last button and held out a steady hand. After a moment there is a brief tremor, but he holds it still again. She looked up at his face and saw that he was grinning. All that she could do at first was stare; until she threw herself onto the bed and kissed him.

They lay together, and since she could not bring herself to undo all of his hard work they made love with his shirt still on. His hands explored her entire body, steadily, methodically.

"Should we call the chief?" she asked, smiling at him. "Shepard?"

"No," he said, grinning back at her, his eyes filled with happiness. "Let's just wait. Let's just keep it our secret, for today."

"Okay," she whispered into his shoulder. "Okay."

* * *

Izzie wondered if she had ever felt so self-conscious in her life. She left early in the morning, before George, before anyone was up. She drove herself to the hospital and changed into scrubs in the empty locker room. Her lab-coat felt strange, the scrubs felt strange, but somehow they felt right. She stared at herself in the mirror, and memories swam around her. The months she spent as an intern had been the best and worst of her life. It felt as if no time had passed, but it obviously had.

Denny was gone. Meredith was pregnant. Time had definitely passed. Suddenly, startling her, the door opened and in the mirror she could see Alex. He looked tired, annoyed, and his eyes opened widely when he saw her. She spun around to face him, smiling so hard that her cheeks hurt. For just a moment she was afraid that he would be angry that she had not said anything to him about coming back.

She forgot that as soon as he took her in his arms and spun her around. She laughed as he put her back on the ground. "Izzie," he breathed. "You're back."

"I'm back," she repeated. "I'm back."

The locker room suddenly began to fill up. They were the residents now, watching the new interns find their bearings. The gossip started, and Izzie very clearly heard the words 'Shepard' and 'L-VAD' but she did not really care.

She made her way to the maternity ward, in search of Dr. Montgomary. She still hadn't discussed this fact of her residency with Meredith. She figured that it did not really matter, and surely this had already dawned on her friend.

The doctor was waiting for her at the nurses' station. "Okay, Dr. Stevens, has anyone explained how this is going to work to you?"

Izzie shook her head and suddenly she was nervous. "Not exactly," she said, fingering her stethoscope.

"Okay, well, since you missed the last six months of your internship, you are technically not qualified for residency. Therefore, I will be treating you very much like an intern. You'll be responsible for my scut work, but you will also be allowed to have freer reign with minor surgeries, post-op and pre-op. How does that sound?"

"It sounds all right," Izzie said cautiously. The word 'surgery' still made her nervous, but she was determined to get on with it, to get over it.

"Okay, good. Now, go round on my post-ops and you can use your own judgments on discharges." Izzie nodded, taking the armful of charts that Addison handed her and turned to head for the patient's rooms.

As soon as she walked into the first room she worried that she had made a mistake. The patient was young, just a girl who had polycystic-ovarian syndrome. She was maybe fifteen, and there was so much life in her. Life that could be torn away from her at any moment, with one wrong cut. Izzie wasn't strong enough, she couldn't be strong enough.

But then, the girl put down her copy of "Seventeen Magazine" and smiled up at Izzie. "Are you my new doctor?" she asked. "Dr. Montgomary said she was getting a resident."

Izzie took a breath. 'Yup, that's me! How are you today, Jillian?"

"I'm okay. I'm ready to get out of here."

"I'll bet you are, let's see about that, okay?" Izzie said, and proceeded to examine the girl. Unfortunately the nurse's notes revealed that she had spiked a fever the night before and Izzie regretfully told her that she'd have to stay another day.

Jillian's face clouded over. "But, tomorrow's my brother's eighteenth birthday; I promised him I'd be home."

Izzie felt her heart go out the vulnerable looking child, but she told herself not to get involved. "I'm sorry to hear that. Blame it on me, okay?"

The girl smiled and nodded, and Izzie went onto her next patient. That was all. She spent the morning that way, going case to case. It wasn't easy, but she did it. At lunch she nervously went to the table where Alex and George were sitting. She put down her salad and smiled at them. Their conversation stopped for just a moment.

"Hey, Izz," George said. "Guess what? I'm scrubbing in on an open-heart surgery today and Dr. Hahn said I can do almost the whole procedure on my own!"

"That's great, George!" Izzie said, grinning at him.

"The plastic attending is freaking Paris Hilton," Alex grumbled. "She's good, but she's freaking annoying."

"Good in surgery, right Dr. Karev?" Izzie teased.

"Of course, Dr. Stevens," he retorted, grinning at her. Dr. Stevens. That was her.

"Who's with Mer?" she asked suddenly. It was weird not to have Meredith with them.

"Burke, I think," George said.

Alex snorted. "I'm sure Grey's loving that."

"Hey! Burke's a great guy," George protested.

"Yeah, but Burke and Grey? Seriously."

Izzie had to admit Alex had a point. Still, Meredith had been going rather stir-crazy, maybe Dr. Burke's calm would rub off on her. Here's hoping, she thought as her pager went off. Emergency C-Section and she was going to scrub in. The excitement that filled her proved it: this was what she was supposed to be doing.

* * *

Meredith sat on the couch staring at Derek who had just deigned to inform her that he was going to the hospital. To work. On the day that her father was coming. Added to this, her Meredith-sitter for the day wouldn't be Izzie or George, but Alex, who was sitting on a chair watching the tableau before him with a very amused expression.

"I'm sorry, but I have a kid who needs a shunt replaced ASAP and a guy post-op who just had bits of a wire fence taken out of his head. You'll be fine."

"Seriously?" Meredith said, incredulously. "You're seriously leaving me?"

"No, actually, I'm going to work. Leaving you and going to work are completely different things."

"Is this funny to you, Derek?"

Derek knelt down in front of her, a purely McDreamy look on his face, so Meredith attempted to avoid his eyes. She wasn't going to be swayed by his McDreaminess. "Meredith, this isn't funny to me. But you know what? I think that it'll be better for you if I'm not here."

Meredith considered this for a moment and then nodded. "Okay. You're right. I guess."

"Good." He kissed her and headed for the door.

When it had closed behind him, Meredith turned to Alex. "I really, really don't want to do this," she moaned, falling back on the couch in what could only be described as a dramatic pose.

"I know," Alex said seriously, which surprised Meredith and made her look up. "But you won't regret it. I hate my old man, you know that, but if I could talk to him, I'd do it."

"I've tried it once already," Meredith pointed out. "And then I slept with George. If I were you I'd get out of here."

Alex snorted. "How about I be the one guy around here you haven't slept with? I think Izzie might get annoyed."

"Sounds good," Meredith smiled at him. "So, are you two serious?"

Alex squirmed, and Meredith smirked. "She's not ready for serious-serious. But who knows…" Before Meredith could interrogate him more the doorbell rang.

"Shit." Meredith said simply, and attempted to sit up and look as if she weren't dreading this. She had attempted to dress nicely in what she could make fit, and she had brushed her hair out, pulled it back. She didn't look as if she had spent the past three weeks lounging about the house in torn up Dartmouth T-shirts at least.

"You ready?" Alex asked, but went to get the door without waiting for an answer. And then, he was there: her father, standing in the doorway of the living room as if twenty years had not passed. Meredith was vaguely aware of Alex kissing her on the forehead and telling her to "yell if she needed anything".

She knew that she was staring, but she could not help it, because in her head she had become five years old again. It was seeing him in this setting, in this house that caused it. She fought a vague urge to run to him, as she had on so many days when he got back from work. It was strange, like being caught in a time-warp.

"Meredith," he said quietly, stepping into the room, and that broke the spell. Meredith was in the present again, and all of the wounds that had been haphazardly sewn up are slowly opening again.

"Hi," she said, feeling awkward. "Um…. Sit down."

He did, and she could see that there was slowness to the way that he moved. "You look well," he commented and she stared at him blankly.

"Thank you… so…. So do you." Polite conversation. She was somewhat amazed at her capacity to make it, but she was not sure what she was thanking him for. She shifted uncomfortably, and he leaned forward in his seat to speak to her. She sat back, preparing herself for whatever he was going to say, her hand holding on to the arm of the couch tightly.

"Meredith…. When your fiancé came to see me, well, I began to realize that I really do want to know you. You must have heard that when I was up at Seattle Grace with my daughter. I talked to that friend of yours, Dr. O'Malley…. I don't know what to tell you Meredith, just that I want to know you. I know that you think that I abandoned you—"

Suddenly Meredith's voice came back to her. "I think you abandoned me? I _think?_ Even when I tried to reach out for you, you didn't want to have anything to do with me!"

"Meredith that's not true. Let me finish, please. I was afraid. I had a good life; I didn't want to rock the boat. But you, you were never really the reason for any of it. You were what kept me hanging on for so long. I thought about you constantly, Meri."

The nickname made Meredith's breath catch. No one had called her that in years. She had had a boyfriend that tried to, but she wouldn't let him. It had been her father's name for her, and she had almost forgotten it. Almost.

"I'm proud of you. It may seem like nothing, but I am. A surgeon, and one of the best in your year. And… taking care of your mother. Richard told me… that she's not doing well."

"No," Meredith sighed. "She's not."

"I'm sorry to hear that. I did love her, you know. I loved both of you. Sometimes though, love isn't enough."

Meredith thought about that, about the fact that Addison so obviously loved Derek, the way Izzie loved Denny. Sometimes love wasn't enough. But sometimes it was. Sometimes the right people did end up together. After a long, hard road. Then, she knew. She would have much less of a chance of hurting herself if she just admitted what she wanted, instead of just trying to hurt the man sitting in front of her.

"You're right," she said, cautiously. "Sometimes love isn't enough. It wasn't enough for you and mom. It wasn't enough for Derek and his wife. But it's enough for Derek and me…." She trailed off, afraid to speak and not knowing exactly what to say. "But…. I want my baby to have a grandfather. And I always wanted to really know my father,' she smiled, just a little at him. "It won't be easy."

"It won't be easy," he agreed. "I know I hurt you, and I didn't want to. But it was a long time before I was really thinking clearly again after she took you. By then I was involved with my wife. I'm sorry, Meri. Truly sorry."

"I know," Meredith said. "That doesn't make it better." She sighed, and looked down at the engagement ring that Derek had placed on her finger. "But it helps."

"Good. Well then… I should be going. I don't want to tire you out. I'll come back. That is, if you want me to."

Meredith nodded. "I would." He headed towards the door, but she found herself calling out to him. "Daddy? I'm sorry I—I mean I guess I shouldn't call--- it's just…. Do you remember that vacation we took? To the beach?"

His face softened and he smiled. "Yes, I do. That was one of the good times. I'm glad, that you remember it. That at least you had that."

"Yeah. It kept me from hating…. Well, everything. You, Mom, myself. Because I knew we could be happy. We can be happy."

He came over to the couch and took Meredith's hand in his. "That's right," he agreed. "We can be happy." He smiled at her and headed toward the door and she imagined getting that smile at so many times over the years when she wanted her mother's approval. When she got good grades, when she won a swim meet, when she was Valedictorian, when she graduated from college, when she went to med school. So many times over the years that her mother just did not have the time for her daughter and Meredith wondered if her father would have cared.

He did. He would have. Knowing this so many years later was almost too much. As soon as the door closed Meredith began to cry, hard. The kind of crying that made her breath catch, when she could hardly breathe. All of the years of pain and of wondering were coming back to her and she could not think. Alex came into the room, sitting next to her but not saying a word. He was just there while she sobbed.

* * *

Every day upon entering the hospital, Derek thanked God that Meredith wasn't there. Not that he didn't want her there: he hated leaving her at home, and the pitiful look she gave him this morning almost made him stay there with her. The looks of the nurses and other doctors, however, were the reason that he was glad she was at home on the couch surrounded by her friends and ordering cute baby clothes off of eBay.

He was just fine with being the one who the scrub nurses gave raised eyebrows to, the one dodging Addison in the hallways. His hope was that by the time Meredith had the baby that the gossip would have died down, because Meredith had dealt with enough gossip to last anyone else a lifetime.

He could feel eyes watching him as he walked down the hallway, but he didn't care. He carried himself with as much confidence as ever as he headed towards his next patient's room. The new interns had had their first day of rounds and he entered the room to find Dr. Heron and her new group of residents.

"Good morning all. How are you today Daniel?" he asked the small boy in the hospital bed who was looking obviously nervous at the crowd of interns around him.

"'m good, Dr. Shepard." The boy answered and Derek smiled at him before nodding at a nervous looking young intern standing at the head of the bed.

"Um… Daniel Taylor, age seven, admitted yesterday for scheduled surgery to replace brain shunt required due to hydrocephalus brought on by spina bifida. Vitals were stable overnight and everything seems okay for the surgery. That is scheduled."

"Good." Derek said and the intern flushed with pride. "Okay, Dr…. Ferguson, you're on the case. Thank you Dr. Heron."

"Always glad to help, Dr. Shepard!" replied the overly-peppy resident who was herding the rest of her interns out of the room.

"So then, Daniel, where's your mom?" Derek asked, shining his penlight into the child's brown eyes.

"She went home to take a shower. She and Daddy are going to come back 'afore the surgery."

"Okay. Now, you understand what's going to happen, right buddy?"

The boy nodded. "Yeah. You'll put me to sleep, fix my shunt, and I'll go home tomorrow. Same as always."

"You've had this done before?" the intern interjected and then flushes.

"Dr. Ferguson," Derek asked, closing up the boy's chart, "Can you tell me the main reasons for the replacement of a hydrocephalus shunt?"

"Disconnection, blockage or outgrowing…" she trailed off.

"Good. Now, can you tell me, has Daniel had a growth spurt recently?" he handed over the chart and the intern flipped through it frantically. Derek glanced around the room, seeing the child-sized wheelchair and the metal crutches leaning against it. Then he turned back to the grinning boy.

"Oh. Yes. I see."

"There you go then. I think Daniel was three the last time the shunt had to be replaced, is that right?"

The little boy nodded. "I cried then, but I'm bigger now, I won't cry."

Derek ruffled the child's hair. "Well I can't say anyone would blame you if you did," he said, and then got up to go the door, the intern following him.

"Dr. Ferguson?" he said, as he watched the nervous looking girl go down the hall.

"Yes sir?"

"Good work in there." the intern smiled, nodded and went on her way.

Why was it that this year's interns all seemed so much younger than Meredith and her roommates, with whom Derek had spent so much time?

He was thinking about that as he saw Dr. Bailey turn the corner. "Bailey!" he called. "Missing your interns?"

"Like I'd miss a bullet through my head," she replied flipping open a chart. "Besides, how can you miss what's haunting you?" she added, as Cristina Yang ran past them.

"Yeah. Haunting you," Derek repeated, thinking of the little boy in the hospital bed.

"Shepard, you okay?"

"The boy I'm operating on today, he has spina bifida. I'm fine. I just—just realized…"

To his surprise, Bailey reached out and put a hand on his arm. "You and Grey can handle it. Hell, you're like a kid magnet, and she's like a kid. You'll be fine."

Derek smiled. "Yeah. You're right. Nervous pack of interns this year, huh?" he said, trying to change the subject.

Bailey looked over the chart she was reaching and smirked at him. "Nervous around you, yeah. They're afraid you pick an intern to screw just like you pick one to scrub in."

Derek looked at her, aghast. "Seriously?"

"Would I lie?"

"That's-that's… actually hilarious," he decided, before bursting into laughter. If only they knew the problems that could ensue. The problems, and the benefits, of course; he thought as he thought of Meredith and the child that they would have soon.

* * *

Meredith wanted to hide. She didn't want to be in the living room in plain view when everyone was coming home, looking at her nervously, wondering how things had gone with her father. But she also thought it might be just the littlest bit awkward to ask Alex to take her upstairs, so she sat there, waiting. Alex was still there, sitting on the couch next to her. George came in first and saw them sitting there. Meredith attempted to smile at him, but somehow she couldn't. But he didn't say a word, he came over and sat on her other side.

Izzie came next, and Alex stood up for her, offering her his seat before sitting on the floor just in front of the couch. They sat in silence, and when Derek came in he looked at them curiously for a moment, and then went upstairs. She knew that he understood.

"He's my father. I don't understand it. I should hate him. I did hate him. But now… he's my father. He wants to be my father."

"Of course he does," George said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "You're great, Mer. Why wouldn't he want to know you?"

Meredith shrugged. She didn't know, really, all that she knew was that was what she was used to. She was the disgrace, after all. Even before she was the one whispered about at family reunions she had thought that. She had heard her parents fight about her, late at night when she was supposed to be asleep. She had never been good enough. Was it possible that all of her work to change that was finally paying off?

It was weird for her to think that. She looked at her friends sitting, silently, comfortingly around her, thought of Derek upstairs waiting for her to need him. Maybe she was worth it. Maybe.

"I don't want to think about it now, guys, okay?" she said, softly.

"Sure," Izzie said. George ran a hand over Meredith's hair and stood up to go make dinner. Alex pulled Izzie off of the couch and she could hear them laughing in the hallway. A few minutes later, Derek came back downstairs and sat down next to her. She leaned against him.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"For what?"

"Making me believe." He didn't ask what she believed in and she didn't volunteer. They just sat there together, his hand in hers. She had a sudden feeling that things would not be so peaceful for long, but she told herself that that was just her paranoia speaking.

"The interns are afraid of me," he said after a few moments, and she sat up, turning to him in amusement.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Afraid you'll impregnate them, putting their careers in danger and hogging the covers?"

"I do not hog the covers," he said, stroking her hair. "And yes, something like that. I suppose that once you come back they'll realize that my fiancée is a force to be reckoned with."

Meredith smiled. She liked hearing him say that. 'Fiancée'. It had a definite ring to it.

That evening, Izzie went to visit Meredith's mother, but just before she left Meredith called to her. "Hey Izz? Do you still have that photo album?"

Izzie bit her lip. "Um…. No, actually. I took it to your mom and she wanted to keep it with her. I can get it if you want."

"Oh. No. That's fine." Meredith said in surprise. She didn't have time to dwell on this, however, Derek and George were returning from their expedition into the attic (having dragged Alex along) and were attempting to disassemble, lug, and then reassemble a crib in the bedroom they had decided to make into the baby's room, and Meredith was determined to watch the show.

Derek took her up the stairs and she sat in the rocking chair that they had already moved up there to watch the three men and their attempts to be macho. She held a battered teddy bear in her lap, one that Derek had found in the crib and that she had faint memories of and laughed as George nearly put his own eye out with a screwdriver.

None of them heard Callie come home, and Meredith almost died laughing when the other woman marched into the room grabbed the screwdriver from George and proceeded to attach the sliding rail to the crib with several quick moves. Alex seemed to be the most offended by this; he sat back on his heels and glared at Callie for a full five minutes before putting together the changing table single handedly.

Derek came over to where Meredith was sitting and leaned down to whisper in her ear, "Whenever you smile like that I fall just a little bit more in love with you." She blushed and turned her head up to kiss him.

Something made her reluctant to leave the nursery that night. She sat in the rocking chair long after the rest of the house was quiet, and almost didn't notice Izzie come in. She was carrying a mug of hot chocolate, which she silently offered to Meredith who took it, gazing at the dark room.

"Does she talk about me?" she asked Izzie, as the other woman sank to the floor, leaning against the crib.

"Sometimes."

Meredith nodded sipping the steaming hot chocolate. "I know she loves me," she told Izzie defensively. "Growing up wasn't all bad…. There were times, you know, when she and I got along pretty well and it was obvious that she did love me. I was afraid of thunderstorms, and she used to let me sleep with her if it were really loud. There were just so many times when she wasn't _there_ to care."

Izzie looked at her, pulling her knees to her chest. "You're afraid of doing the same thing, aren't you?" she asked softly. Meredith nodded. "You won't. You're driven, Mer, but I think you're more willing to make the sacrifices. There are two of you, also, and there's a daycare in the hospital now. Plus you have all of us, and if we can you-sit I think we can baby-sit." Meredith laughed. "You're going to be fine, Mer. Promise."

"Okay," Meredith replied. "You know, Izz, you're very convincing. Probably why the patients like you."

"Oh, I don't know. I had one today who was convinced I was just a Barbie brought to life, but she was kind of a bitch."

Meredith laughed and stood up from the rocker. "They can be. I miss it. Derek said he had a kid in there today. I always feel bad for the kids stuck in the hospital."

"Yeah. Well, anyway, good night Mer."

"Good night Izzie. And Izzie? Thanks, for everything, for seeing my mom, for watching out for me. I know I'm whiny and obnoxious, so thanks."

"Mer? Seriously? It kind of gave me a purpose for a while. I needed that."

* * *

Addison Montgomary often wondered if she was clinically insane. She never told anyone this, just thought about it off-handedly. Usually it was when she thought about cheating on Derek with Mark, or the fact that one of her patients was her husband's mistress. Then of course there was the indisputable fact that she did not hate said mistress. As a matter of fact she saw Meredith as a highly competent, classy surgeon who just happened to have bad luck when it came to choosing men.

There was just something inside of her that seethed with bitterness when she saw this woman lying on the exam table with Addison's husband's child inside of her, smiling as she watched the moving sonogram. Izzie was doing the sonogram, and there was something about the way the two of them talked happily about the baby and then glanced over at Addison that bothered her. Not that she showed them. Izzie needed to be happy, she had just come back and she was doing well. And Meredith, well she was seven months pregnant with a baby that needed her to stay relaxed.

It is only that that kept Addison from flying off of the handle. Or maybe not. It was also that she recognized this happiness. She once had it, with the same man, but when she saw Meredith head towards Derek who was on call and thus lingered by the nurses' station, she saw the look in his eyes. It was one of pure devotion and Addison didn't recognize that. She wasn't sure that he had ever given her that look.

Soulmates. She had thought that she and Derek were soulmates, but maybe she had been wrong. Maybe she needed eleven years to see that, even if they may have been in love, they weren't right. Either way, now she was feeling like an observer against the rest of the world.

She could not help but be fixated by Derek and Meredith. Derek placed one of his hands on Meredith's belly and laughed. Meredith grinned back, and then George appeared in his street clothes and a wheelchair to take Meredith to the car, so she could go home. Addison knew that her patient (because it was easiest to think of Meredith like this) was not unaware of the stares that followed her as George wheeled her to the elevator.

Addison did regret that. It wasn't Meredith's fault that she had fallen for someone who was married, Addison did not even blame her for the pregnancy or the fact that Addison's husband had left her. Who Addison blamed was entirely Derek. And herself. But it was easiest to blame Derek. He was watching her, only after the elevator doors closed on Meredith, but he was still watching her. And damn it, she had to go over to the nurses' station to return Meredith's chart.

She opened the chart and began to review what she had seen on the sonogram. No change in the opening, it indicated moderate spina bifida, easily operable after birth. There was a greater chance of the baby surviving now, and Meredith seemed to be doing well. All of this information she should have been imparting to Derek, but she couldn't. She could only flip the chart closed and hand it to Nurse Debby.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked her quietly under the guise of signing a lab request form.

"No, Derek. Just like Meredith wasn't okay when you chose me. But I'll get over it. It is okay, Derek. You did what you had to do. But I need you to leave me alone. Okay?" Addison said, resenting the pleading tone that came into her voice.

"Okay," he said, simply. Then he walked away. He walked away and even though she knew that that was what had to happen she felt her knees weaken just a little. It was this that gave her the courage to go into the on-call room and open up her cell phone.

She did not expect an answer. She fully expected to be able to leave a pitiful message that she would never get a response to and it would be easier that way.

"Hello? Dr. Sloan speaking."

"Mark…. It's me."

"Addie?"

"Can I talk for a minute? You are fully able to hate me, but I need to talk. To someone. He left me. Meredith's pregnant with his baby, he left me, he cheated on me. And I have to stand here and take it because I have residents to train, and a job to keep. And this woman? I like her. She's got potential. And he's happy. That used to be all I ever wanted. So I'm here, grinning and bearing it. Just like I did before in New York. But there's a difference. I don't have you there, to listen. To love me. Now I know how it feels, and I'm sorry that I let you go." She took a deep breath. "That's all. You can hang up now."

"No. I'm not going to hang up, Addison. I'm not just going to let you go like that. Now, I know that by all rights I should just hang up and say 'good bye' but I won't. Because, I love you. I'll come down there. I'll arrange a transfer."

"But Mark, you love New York," Addison protested albeit feebly.

"I love you more."

As soon as he said this Addison began to cry.

A/N Review please! Just so I know that people are still reading this! Babyness next chapter!


	10. Can't Take That Away

**Chapter Ten**

George was lying in bed on his day off. Callie had to go in, and so she had left over half an hour before, but he did not want to get out of bed. He had flown solo for the first time in a year the day before, and it had gone well, but having Dr. Hahn breathing down his neck the entire time had not been exactly comforting. He had heard, straight from the horse's mouth actually, that Burke was coming back in a few weeks and he couldn't wait.

Before she left Callie had crawled over him to kiss his cheek and had told him that she loved him. It was so natural, so simple. It was new to George. He hadn't had this long of a relationship in… ever. He thought about Meredith, going through the same thing. A few days before, he had come in at five in the morning to find her sitting in the kitchen staring at an open galleon of ice cream.

"It's so weird," she said. "He's up there, asleep. He'll be there every morning. Waiting for me. He turns to me when he needs something and I turn to him. There's a future." She fingered her ring as she was wont to do lately. "I love this. Having an actual relationship."

George sat across from her after grabbing a spoon from a drawer and dug into the ice cream.

"I mean, my other relationships didn't tend to last this long. They tended to last until the tequila ran out. I wasn't serious with anyone during med school, because for some reason the guys I was attracted to were the ones who would have gotten me in trouble." She smiled. "I don't mean in the family way, either. I mean in the showing up to class still drunk way."

"I know what you mean," George said vehemently and Meredith looked at him in surprise. "Bad girls like me. Bad girls aren't particularly good at the relationship thing. They're good at the 'cheating on you with their dealer' thing."

"You're a fixer, George. I told you so."

"Yeah. But not any more; I am determined to stay in this and just accept the happy." He stuck the spoon into the ice cream with each word, and when he pulled it out and licked the ice cream off she laughed.

"It's not easy, is it?"

"Not at all. Does Derek know you came downstairs?"

She laughed. "I'm a rebel. Don't tell."

"I won't." They smiled at each other

Now, George decided, he liked having a friendship with Meredith and a relationship with Callie. It was easier that way. Speaking of Meredith, he should probably get up and check on her. And make it look as if he wasn't checking on her, of course. He got up and had his pants half on when he heard her cry out from across the hall. He threw on the rest of his clothes and raced into the nursery, where she was almost-obsessively putting up pictures.

One of the frames had fallen to the floor and Meredith was standing in front of it with her hands placed protectively on her stomach. Her face was contorted.

"Mer?" he said, approaching her carefully. She turned to him with a look of fear on her face.

"George," she breathed, and then walked slowly over to him. He offered her his hand and she took it.

"Here we go," he said, leading her to the staircase.

"Yeah," she agreed, picking up the bag that was just inside the doorway of her room. "Izzie's project last week was making sure that I was ready, I just didn't think…" she trailed off. "This is really happening."

George nodded and took her arm to help her down the stairs. In the car she sat next to him, staring out the windshield and he wondered what she was thinking. The next contraction did not come until they were almost to the hospital and she grabbed his hand tightly, reminding him of a patient he had had a day or so before.

"George?" she said, when it subsided.

"Yeah, Mer?"

"I'm glad you were the one, who was there."

He smiled at her, and realized how small and vulnerable she looked. Small minus the baby, anyway. "Where's Shepher—er-- Derek?" he asked, as they pulled up to the ER.

"In surgery, it should be over in an hour, I think. By the time they prepare an OR and everything."

"You know what? We should have wheelchairs out here, like supermarket buggies." Meredith burst into laughter, which was what he was going for. She seemed to relax for a minute after that and she was smiling when they went through the automatic doors with just a hint of fear in her eyes.

They took her back immediately due to the risk and George was banished to the hall while Mer changed into a gown. He attempted to give her an 'I've seen you naked' look, but she only laughed and shoved him out. Izzie found him there a few minutes later.

"George? What are you doing here, is Mer--?"

"Yeah, she's in there," George indicated with a finger. "And I have a boy-penis so I can't come in 'til she's changed. Her words."

Izzie smiled and knocked on the door. "Mer? It's Izzie, can I come in?"

"Um… yeah. And George can too." Izzie opened the door and George followed her in. Meredith sat on the bed in the hospital gown, her clothes neatly folded in a chair in the corner.

Izzie had her stethoscope out before anyone could say anything and was examining Meredith. George looked at her and smiled. Izzie was in her element. "Sounds good," she said, with a smile. "I'll go find Dr. Montgomary. And do you want me to page—?"

1"No. Wait for him to be out of surgery, okay? I don't want to worry him. Brain surgery trumps baby."

Izzie nodded and left the room, as George pulled a chair over to the side of the bed. "Not sure he'd agree with you there, Mer."

"Yeah, well, I know what's best for him. He tends to not."

"He knew that you were good for him," George pointed out, surprising himself.

"One moment of clarity does not make up for bad choices," she pointed out, in that teasing way of hers. She was calm, for now. George had expected panic, and suspected that panic might come, but for now she was calm.

"Have you thought about names?" George asked.

"Derek wants to name it after Mom if it's a girl, and I would, but my oldest half-sister, her name is Ellie, so that would be—"

"Awkward, yeah. Must have been awkward for your dad."

She shrugged. "Guess so, I never thought-" she broke off and grabbed his hand. When the contraction subsided she fell back on her pillow and smiled grimly. "I asked mom once, how I got my name. I expected some great-aunt somewhere to have been named Meredith, you know? She said no. She said that I came out and she took one look at me and said 'Meredith'. No one knew where it came from."

"Lucky. George was Mom's maiden name. That's all." Just as he said this the door opened and Addison came in.

"Hello there, Meredith. How're you holding up?"

"I'm… okay Dr. Montgomary."

"Good. Stevens, go book an OR. We'll get this going, Meredith. As soon as the baby's born I'll repair the spine, and then we'll run the tests for hydrocephalus and check for other complications, okay?"

"Okay," Meredith said, meekly.

"Good. I'll be back in a few minutes to check on you."

She left as quickly as she had come and Meredith turned to George looking pained. "I feel as if I should be asking her how she's holding up. Is that crazy?"

"No. it proves that I was right about you, you can't help but care about people." Meredith smiled and lay back on the pillow.

* * *

Derek closed the incision delicately, as he always did. He took his time with this. Too often surgery was a traumatic time in people's lives, they didn't need the constant reminder that a scar gave. Plus, this guy was bald and thus the scar would be visible. He smiled at the scrub nurse who held the suture tray for him, trying to avoid the look she was giving him. The surgery had gone perfectly; surely they would soon realize that his personal life did not affect his surgeries?

He went into the scrub room, disposed of his gloves and scrubbed out. In the hallway, as soon as he left the scrub room, he ran into Izzie who was standing just outside the door.

"Dr. Shepard?" she said, and he knew.

"Where is she?" he asked quickly.

"This way," Izzie began to walk, and he followed. "She's doing well, baby's vitals are stable; George brought her in just over an hour ago."

'Why didn't you page me?"

"She told us not to, you were in surgery. You know Mer, she doesn't put herself ahead of anything."

Derek grunted in agreement, concentrating only in getting to the maternity floor as quickly as possible. He burst through her door and focused only on her face, there was a look of relief on it as he came up to her, and he barely noticed George move out of the chair by her bed as he came in and kissed her on the forehead.

"Hey," he said softly, smiling at her.

"Hey. How'd the surgery go?"

"Perfect. Just like you." He brushed her hair out of her eyes with his fingers and saw himself reflected in her eyes.

She shook her head. "Flattery, you're too good at it, you know?" she said, and he laughed, sinking into the chair next to her and clasping her hand.

"I've heard that," he admitted, trying to ignore the flood of relief that was washing over him. She was okay, and they were going to do this.

"Derek?"

"Yes?"

"We're going to have a baby," she said, in awe.

"That's generally the next step, yes," he said teasingly.

"Yeah. I just… we're going to have a baby. In a few hours there will be another living, breathing person in this world, and it will be ours. Ours." She looked over at George. "I'm doing the 'I repeat things when I'm shocked' thing again, aren't I?" she asked and George snickered.

"I would say that qualifies, yeah, Mer." He laughed. "Cristina's not here yet; feel free to repeat things all that you like."

"We're going to have a baby."

Derek vaguely thought that she was going to keep saying it, but then a contraction came and she gripped his hand and fell silent.

They were in the hospital room a while longer, Cristina came in, but she had a surgery she had to scrub in on. Alex stopped by and checked on Meredith in what Derek could only call an older-brotherly way. At some point George went to get coffee and it was only Meredith and Derek in the room.

"This is going to sound very weird," Meredith said, after a particularly bad contraction. "But I wish my mother was here. Not now, but before, before the Alzheimer's. I don't like to admit it, but she was very good at taking care of people when they were in pain. She was good at taking care of me." She smiled.

"You said once that if something were wrong with me, Mom would be flying specialists in from Prague. It hurt when you said that, because it was true. I had pneumonia once, and she totally let my pediatrician have it. Funniest thing I've ever seen or it would have been if I hadn't had a one hundred and four degree fever."

Derek chuckled softly and kissed her cheek. "I can see that. You're a lot like her, I think. In a good way," he added, just in case she hadn't inferred that.

"I know. I don't always like to accept that, but I know." She paused. "I was born in this hospital, you know. My mom was a second year resident too. I've never really figured out if it was planned or not, though as a teenager I figured it wasn't." she shrugged. "And now I don't care. Because it doesn't matter, they loved me anyway. And I'm babbling, feel free to tell me to shut up."

Derek laughed, but he wasn't anywhere close to telling her that, he was just watching her come to these conclusions, watching her eyes as she settled things with herself. "Bed rest obviously gave you time to think," he said teasingly.

"Yes, think and make all the hats our child will need until kindergarten. Except once we find out the sex Izzie will make more in pink or blue."

"Will she have time?" Derek asked, trying to hide the horror. The knit items were slowly but surely filling up the drawers in the nursery.

"We're talking about Izzie; she knit a sweater in a day. While working."

If Meredith were the type to use the random sayings she heard from her touristing southern patients the phrases 'speak of the devil' or 'are your ears burning?' may have come out of her mouth when Izzie came into the room just then. But she wasn't, because she was a girl brought up in Boston.

"Hey Iz," she said, simply, smiling tightly as another contraction came. Derek ran his thumb along her fingers.

"Hey. Time to prep you for the OR although you could probably prep yourself. And Dr. Shepard, I assume you want to be in there?"

Derek nodded and stood up, but Meredith clutched his hand. "Mer, relax, I'm just going to go ditch my coat and change my scrubs, okay? Izzie's here, and George. I'll be back in just a second."

She nodded and relaxed, though he hated to leave her it was necessary. In the on-call room where he had stashed his gear for the day he sat down on the bottom bunk and ran his fingers through his hair. Meredith may say things over and over when she was shocked, but he thought them, and all that was running through his head was that in an hour or so he would be a father. It was an incredible thought.

He quickly shook himself into the present and changed scrubs. He needed to get back to Meredith. He left his lab coat on a bunk and took a deep breath before he emerged once again out into the hospital hallway.

Addison was in the room with her when he got back, helping Meredith breathe through a contraction just before the anesthesiologist put in the local anesthetic that would numb her for the surgery. Meredith flinched when the needle went in, but she had a look of determination on her face.

"You ready?" Addison asked her, smiling, and Derek felt an overwhelming gratitude for his ex-wife. It was amazing, really, how quickly he added the "ex" even in his thoughts. Kind of sad. But then he looked at Meredith who had a smile in her eyes, if not on her mouth, and he knew what was right for him.

They went down the hall to the elevator and Derek held onto Meredith's hand. He saw nurses and interns look their way, but there were a few smiles among them, not the usual looks of disgust. Derek knew it was because of the excitement on Meredith's face.

The OR felt different when he wasn't scrubbing in to cut, it felt somehow unfamiliar and cold. Meredith was transferred onto the table and he knelt to whisper in her ear. "You are undoubtedly the bravest person I know, Meredith Grey."

"Again with the flattery," she teased, but she turned her head and kissed him.

Derek stood, his eyes still on Meredith, and smiled as he heard a whispered conversation between Addison and Izzie going on in the corner.

"Seriously?"

"You need to learn distance still, Stevens. What better way? You're experienced enough, and I need to be free to correct the spinal opening."

"Okay." Izzie came over to the table with Addison following. "Mer—er, Dr. Grey, I'm going to be performing the C-Section so that Dr. Montgomary can operate on the baby, okay?"

Meredith looked at Derek, who nodded. "Sure Izz. I trust you."

She looked away, and didn't see Izzie let out a breath, but Derek did. "Okay. Let's do this."

To his surprise, Derek found that he couldn't watch. There was something about watching the scalpel cut into Meredith, a scalpel that he couldn't control or guide, that bothered him. Instead he watched Meredith's face.

He barely heard Addison's directions to Izzie, but he did hear Meredith, who despite the fact that she was on the OR table, was encouraging her friend.

"Okay, seriously Mer? I think I should be the one comforting you here," Izzie commented. "Now shut up and let me get your baby out."

Derek laughed and Meredith stuck her tongue out at him. "You're doing beautifully," he told her.

"All right, I'm in. Got it." Derek turned in time to watch the baby be lifted out of Meredith's womb, and was surprised to hear the squall that came with it. A preemie crying, definitely a good sign. Meredith seemed to realize this too as she squeezed his hand. "It's a girl, Mer!" Izzie exclaimed, handing the baby to the nurses who began to clean it up.

Meredith laughed in joy and Derek leaned over to kiss her.

"No surprises that I can see," Addison said, from where she was leaning over the isolette. "We're going to take her directly into surgery now, okay?"

"Okay," Meredith said. "Can I see her first?"

"Of course," Addison said, and she carried the baby carefully over to Meredith. Meredith and Derek both gazed at the perfectly formed little face.

"She's beautiful," Derek whispered as Addison took the baby to a nearby OR.

"Lydia." Meredith said in reply.

"What?"

"Her name, Lydia. Lydia Ellis Shepard."

"No," Derek said firmly. "Lydia Ellis Shepard-Grey. You said you weren't changing your name from your mom's right?" One night, late, she had admitted to him that she liked being 'the next Dr. Grey' in a way. "And this is our baby."

"Okay," Meredith agreed. "I like it. Izzie, are you done yet?"

Derek and Izzie laughed as Izzie worked on the sutures.

Back in the hospital room, they found Cristina, George and Alex waiting for them. Meredith looked at them from her bed and a worried look crossed her face. "Could one of you… could someone…. Go watch in the gallery? Just make sure she's okay?"

"I'll go," Cristina volunteered, and Meredith smiled at her as she left.

Derek sat down in the chair next to Meredith and just stared at her, unable to believe the miracle that had just happened.

"Mom was right," she said. "You do just know when you look at them."

"Do you really look at me and think Georgie?" George said from where he stood by the window and Meredith and Alex both cracked up.

"I could reply to that in so many ways," Alex said and George glared at him. Meredith smiled and pushed up on her pillows.

"How long will this take?" she asked suddenly. "All this time and I never asked that, I won't know if something's going wrong if it's taking too long because I don't know—"

Derek put a finger to her lips. "Meredith, relax. You sent Cristina to spy, remember? She'll tell you."

"Okay. But I can't. I can't relax. I'm not good at relaxing."

"Grey? Seriously, you're about to have five years of sleepless nights, now is definitely the time for you to not worry," Alex put in, smiling at her. "Let us do the worrying for you."

"Alex Karev actually admits he cares about something, story on the news at eleven," George retorted.

"O'Malley, I think your ability to make a joke died with the Egyptians and was mummified."

George was quiet, and the room was quiet and Derek wasn't sure that he could bear the quiet until Meredith spoke up, "You know, someone mummified a rat? Like, for fun. I found it online the other day. Seriously disturbing."

Derek blanched. "Sounds like something some of my med school friends would do for fun."

"Remind me that I don't want to meet them. She looked perfect, didn't she?"

"Absolutely so. Ten fingers, ten toes, your eyes."

"Derek, babies' eyes change."

"Hers won't."

"Oh, so now you're psychic?" she teased, and he just smiled at her.

They continued in this manner, of chitchat and random facts, and at some point Alex launched into a seriously disturbing game of Would You Rather? that carried them through a full hour.

They were discussing 'be on a desert island without food or with food and only the Paris Hilton-esque plastics resident for company' when the door open. Meredith's smile flew from her face and she looked at Addison and Izzie in fear, as Cristina ducked in behind them.

"Okay, Meredith," Addison said, and then she smiled and Derek felt Meredith's grip on his hand relax. "Good news and not-so-good news. Good news is that the surgery was successful, and Lydia did fine. Not-so-good is that I went ahead and did the scan to test for hydrocephalus to save you extra worry time, and it's there."

Derek looked down at Meredith who looked slightly fearful, as the chief came in just behind Addison.

"Derek? Can I talk to you in the hall?" he said.

"Dr. Webber, I--."

"Now, Shepard." Derek kissed Meredith's hand and smiled her before following his boss into the hallway. Dr. Bailey was waiting there. "Shepard, we don't have an on-call neurosurgeon with the skills in pediatrics needed for your daughter's surgery," he said bluntly.

"What?" Derek exclaimed. "My baby needs a shunt and there's no one here to do it? That's first year work! Where's Dr. Weir?"

"In Jamaica," Bailey replied, bluntly. "But we're not about to let anything happen to that baby, so shut up and listen to the man."

Derek glared at her, but crossed his arms and looked back at Webber.

"Dr. Bailey thinks she can do it. Her fellowship's in cardio, but—"

"But I scrubbed in with you on four of these last year and a few with your predecessor as well. What I will need is you in there to walk me through it, as it's been so long."

"You will not cut," Webber said firmly. "That's against policy, but you will be in the OR."

Derek put a shaking hand up to his face as Meredith's door opened and Addison stepped out.

"Derek? Look at me," she said firmly, and he obeyed. "You have a very scared fiancée in there, who may be good at hiding it, but who needs you to tell her that this will be okay. The only way you can do that is if you assist with this."

Derek sighed and met the eyes that he had once loved. "Why are you so rational?" he asked, and then looked up at Webber. "Okay. Okay, I'll do it." The chief nodded, and he and Bailey left the hallway. Derek turned to return to the room, but then looked back at Addison. "So… you know?"

"It's a pretty ring. Good choice."

"Addie-."

"Don't. I'm happy for you Derek. I promise."

He nodded and opened the door.

* * *

Meredith held onto Izzie's hand tightly as Derek came back into the room and knelt by her bed. "Mer? I'm going to assist Bailey with the surgery, okay? I'm not cutting, but there's no one else to do it. I have to go now, and scrub in. It's going to be okay."

She watched his face, knowing that as a surgeon he was not allowed to make that promise, but she needed him to, and so she accepted it. "Okay," she said, quietly, and also accepted the kiss he gave her. "You'll be great," she said, and he smiled at her, before leaving the room.

Addison came in just after he left with a consent form. She was signing a consent form for her hours-old baby's brain surgery.

"I want to be there," she said suddenly after handing the pen back to Addison. "I want to be in the gallery. I can't just sit here and wait any more."

"Meredith you're a patient-." Cristina broke in.

Addison held up a hand to her and studied Meredith's face, drawing the clipboard back. "Okay," she said. "Let me go get a chair."

"I'm coming too," George spoke up, and the others in the room echoed him. Addison nodded and Meredith sat up, looking around at her friends. Izzie was already digging Meredith's robe out of her bag and Alex helped her sit up.

"Thanks, guys," she said, slipping into the robe and letting Alex transfer her to the chair when Addison wheeled it in.

"You'd do the same for us," Izzie replied.

"We're in this together, Mer," George said, as he held open the elevator door. Meredith nodded and turned her head to glance at the nurses' station. The nurses were watching her, but there was something different on their faces now. Maybe they were realizing just how many people they'd have to go through to cause her problems.

Or maybe they were looking at the woman pushing the wheelchair. Meredith glanced up at Addison's 'no nonsense' face and was suddenly grateful for her. The surgery was just starting as they entered the gallery. Addison parked Meredith's chair in the front and the others sat around her. Meredith was surprised when Addison sat right next to her.

Lydia looked so small on the operating table, and Meredith found that she couldn't watch Bailey cut. Instead, she watched her sleeping baby's face. She looked so little and peaceful. Undamaged. Meredith vowed there just then to work as hard as she possibly could to keep her baby from ever being scary and damaged.

She could hear Derek's voice through the microphone in the gallery giving directions, but she couldn't focus on this, all she could do was let his voice swim around her and keep her eyes on her baby. No one said anything while the surgery was being performed; seeming to know that she needed quiet.

The surgery was going smoothly; she could see Derek beginning to close the skull flap when a rapid beeping sounded through the speakers and Meredith's breath caught. She reached out, blindly, for someone and felt Addison's hand go into hers.

"It's okay," she whispered. "Look, her heart rate is up all ready, and they're almost done."

Suddenly the gallery door opened, startling Meredith. Nurse Debby stood in the doorframe. "Dr. Montgomary?"

"Yes?" Addison said, standing up but keeping her hand on Meredith's shoulder.

"There's someone here to see you. A Dr. Sloan?"

Meredith looked up at Addison, startled, but the older woman squeezed her shoulder and responded to Debby. "Tell him to wait, I'm with a patient." Debby nodded and Addison sat back down next to Meredith.

"He's here?" she asked, as she heard Alex's excited whisper, "Sloan's back? Seriously?" and Izzie whacked him.

"Yeah. I need him."

"I know," Meredith replied, her eyes on Derek, who looked up and smiled at her.

An hour later, but what felt like a lifetime, Meredith sat in her wheelchair in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit her hand in the side of the isolette, stroking the baby's cheek. Derek stood above her, his hands on her shoulders.

"She's perfect, Mer."

Meredith nodded, and then sat back, looking up at Derek. "Derek? Thank you. For being with me through all of this." He knelt beside her and she grasped his hands. "You're going to stay with me, right? Because I couldn't take it if you decided to leave once I'm yours."

"Meredith Grey, I swear to you. I'm here to stay."

"Okay. Good. 'Cause I love you."

"I love you too, Meredith."

He kissed her, just as the door to the nursery opened.

"Well, isn't this sweet?" a voice said. Derek pulled back sharply.

"Mark? What the hell are you doing here?"

A/N Review please!


	11. Always Keep That Hunger

**Chapter Eleven**

Three weeks after Lydia's birth and Meredith was going stir-crazy. The baby, born at three pounds two ounces was slowly gaining the weight necessary for her to be released. Both Meredith and Derek spent as much time in the NICU, and now the nursery, with her as possible, but the nurses were so reluctant to hand her over that they were often shunted to the side. Meredith could not stand just sitting there watching others care for her baby, and she felt like she _had_ to be doing something.

This was why she was sitting in Chief Webber's office at seven on Monday morning waiting for him to finish checking the board. She sat in the hard leather chair and glanced at the chief's desk, and could see a contract sitting there; a signed contract, with the signature reading: Mark Sloan. Shit.

Derek's encounter with Mark in the NICU on the day that the baby was born had been somewhat of a nonevent, but the tension that was there made the air feel thick. Meredith found herself pushing her wheelchair closer to the baby's isolettte and watching Derek warily as he went up to Mark who was leaning in the doorway.

"Mark? What the hell are you doing here?"

"Addie asked me to come, so I'm here. As much as I'm sure you'd like to think that I'm here to harass you, Derek, it's simply not true."

Derek's hand, held behind his back, clenched into a fist and Meredith reached out, as if the grab his hand, but then thought better of it.

"Fine then," he said, "But what are you doing here, now?"

"Came to check on Meredith. How are you Meredith?"

"She's fine."

"I think I was asking her."

Meredith looked away, her hand on the chest of the sleeping baby. "I'm all right, Mark. You should go back to Addison."

"You're right. I will. See you later." He left as quickly as he had come, and Derek turned around. Meredith could almost feel the fury radiating out of his eyes.

"Derek, calm down," she said, reaching up to put a hand on his arm. "She's been lonely, it's better this way. He makes her happy." Derek didn't say anything, and he wasn't looking at her, his eyes were on Lydia. "You want her to be happy more than you want him gone; I know you do."

Again he did not say anything and she sighed, sliding her finger into Lydia's hand. They stood there in silence for so long that she almost did not hear his reply. "You're right. How do you know these things?"

"'Cause I've been there," Meredith said simply. "When you love someone their happiness is always more important."

Derek didn't say anything to that, he just put his hands back on her shoulders and she grasped his hand, trying to tell him without words the she did not blame him. There wasn't enough time for that. The baby stirred, and squeezed her finger. There were more important things than blame.

Now, however, she anticipated a full on confrontation between Derek and Mark at some point. Not fun.

"Ah, Meredith, what can I do for you?" Dr. Webber said, as he entered the office.

"Let me work."

"Meredith, you've still got maternity leave—"

"A month. I have a month left, but I won't be able to take all of it. Derek and I have worked out schedules so that we'll be home with her in the day until she's big enough for daycare, and I'd prefer to take the leave when I actually have a baby at home. I'm going to go crazy, Dr. Webber. I need to work. I need to prove to myself that I can still do this, that I haven't lost it. I need that peace of mind before I can settle in with Lydia at home. Please, just for a few days. Or else Lyddie's bedtime stories are going to be textbooks. So, please, let me work. Just until she can go home. Please? So I'll stop babbling?"

Meredith knew that she sounded desperate, and slightly deranged, but as she sat for hours in a rocking chair in the nursery all that she could think of was the fact that she was going to go into being a resident with about the same amount of competence she had at the beginning of her internship. Insane, yes, but she was terrified. She had spent full days during her time of bedrest reading texts.

The chief leaned back in his chair and eyed her. It seemed like forever that he just watched her sitting there in scrubs in the hopes that he will let her work just a little so that she can have peaceful time with her baby when she came home.

He leaned forward, put his fingers together and rested his chin on them. "Meredith, I have full confidence in your ability to come back and work without a problem, but I will expect you to be somewhat distracted even then. Now, with your baby still within our walls—" he took a breath and she cringed. "But I do understand your worry. Also, you did miss the last month of your internship, so when you come back you will be treated in a way similar to Isobel Stevens for a few weeks….. I'll tell you what, go find Miranda Bailey and tell her that you are her intern until further notice. When are they saying Lydia will be able to go home?"

"Three days. She's at three twelve now, and gaining steadily. It's not that I don't want to be with her, sir, it's just--."

He put up a hand. "I understand, Meredith. Have you talked to Derek about this?"

"Yeah. He understands. He's working, isn't he?" This wasn't all true. At the moment Derek was sleeping at the house, having been on-call the night before. He told her that he slept, but she figured he'd stayed with Lyddie all night.

The chief nodded. "Okay then."

"Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. Oh, and Dr. Webber?"

"Yes?"

"I…. I just want you to know, I don't resent you for…. For not staying with my mother. I mean…. I know it wasn't easy for you, after and…. I mean, I would have liked…. And she changed, in Boston, but….. I'm gonna go now. I just thought you should know, that I don't."

Meredith stood there for a second more, and then made a beeline for the door.

"Thank you, Meredith."

* * *

"I thought I was done with you suck-ups."

Meredith smiled as she stood before Dr. Bailey at the nurses' station. "I'm sorry. I just can't sit there and watch them take care of her, but I want to be here, and—just please, give me something to do."

"Girl, you need to seriously watch the caffeine intake. All right, here, go get histories from these families, and run labs on Mr. Erikson room 432. Report to me when that's done and I'll let you do a bypass for me."

Meredith smiled. Cardio or no, cutting was cutting. She hurried off to do as she was bid, and was relieved to find that it all came as second nature. It was like swimming, somehow every time she got in the water it was as if she had never gotten in; no matter how long it had been since she had last swam. It was also nice to talk to patient's families, to prod them into giving her what she needed while also providing comfort. They saw her without the baggage that the others knew she had.

She was doing just fine until she passed the nursery window on her way to retrieve the labs. She told herself that she wasn't going to go in, she was just going to check on Lyddie through the glass, but the baby's eyes were open and they looked at her, and even though Meredith _knew_ that she couldn't focus yet, she felt as if she were being given a very accusatory stare.

"Lyddie, baby, I'm working," she said, picking the baby up out of the crib. "I gotta go before Bailey hurts me. Yes. You'll meet Bailey soon and she'll love you, even if she doesn't love me. She's got a little boy who'll be in daycare with you, won't that be fun?"

The baby blew a spit bubble which Meredith took as agreement. "Okay, well, I've got to put you down now, because if I don't then you and William may have to do a Romeo and Juliet type thing, because Bailey will hate me, and that wouldn't be good. No, it wouldn't. No."

As she gently set her down and then lingered for just a moment she wondered if she maybe wasn't too good at the art of having one-sided conversations. She ran the labs back to Bailey and then went into the scrub room to scrub in. During the bypass was the first time that she was actually able to calmly focus on something besides her family, and she was grateful.

"Press down a little more, Grey," Bailey said from behind her as she cut into the leg to get the vein that they would graft from the aorta to the coronary arteries.

The surgery went smoothly, and afterwards Meredith stood in the scrub room watching the patient be transferred from the table to a bed.

"Grey? Grey!"

"Hmm? Oh, sorry, Dr. Bailey. Moving." She shifted so that the other doctor could get to the sink.

"Grey, you're dead on your feet. If you insist on being here, go fill out charts for a while so you don't kill someone." Meredith glared, but obeyed, heading towards the door. "Oh, and Grey? Good job in there. Stop worrying, it comes back."

Meredith nodded, and decided that the nursery was as good a place as any to fill out charts. She was surprised to find that she wasn't the only one there. George had pulled a chair up by Lyddie and was absent mindedly filling out a patient's medical history while glancing up at the sleeping baby. He stood when he saw Meredith and then sat on the floor, allowing her to take his seat.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Working," she responded, putting her hand in to stroke the baby's arm. "Bailey's got me on charts. But I did just fly solo on a bypass." She grinned.

"But you're neuro!"

"I'm Bailey's intern today. So I'm filling out charts. But I'm kind of in limbo. So I'm also doing bypasses. It's weird. Life is weird."

"Okay, Mer? When was the last time you got a full night's sleep? And don't tell me last night, because I heard you up at 3 AM in the nursery."

"Shut up, I'm doing charts."

She knew George was rolling his eyes at her even if she couldn't see it. A few minutes later Izzie came in to the nursery to check on a patient. "What are you guys doing in here?"

"Working," George and Meredith chorused. "Actually," George continued, shutting his chart. "I'm leaving, because I'm about to scrub in on a harvest, wherein I am going to remove the heart. Because I am a heart surgeon."

Izzie laughed. "What's up with George?"

"He's jealous, 'cause Bailey let me perform a bypass for her. Seriously, he's had two months of residency and I've had none. I'm Bailey's pseudo-intern for the day," she added, when Izzie gave her a puzzled look.

The charts were easy, they were what she had done nearly every day since her first, and she was done quickly, but she couldn't seem to get out of the chair. Lyddie began to whimper and Meredith picked her up, settling her in the crook of her arm. A nurse came by and handed her a bottle.

"I'm working," she started to protest, but popped the small bottle into the baby's mouth and settled back in the chair. Lyddie's eyes were intent on her while she sucked and Meredith smiled. "You are such a gorgeous little baby," she whispered.

She gently ran a finger down one of the baby's spindly legs. She still didn't seem big enough to be out yet, but there she was in the world. It was too soon to tell what her limitations would be, but Addison was hopeful. Meredith wasn't hopeful, she just knew. She knew that whatever challenges this baby would be fine.

When the bottle was drained she gently burped Lydia and then settled her in her arms rocking her to sleep. This was how it was supposed to be, and how it would be as soon as they could take her home. When she fell asleep Meredith put the baby back in the crib, meaning to get up and go to find Bailey, but she couldn't seem to. Her eyelids were heavy, and she sat back, telling herself that she'd get up in just a minute.

* * *

Izzie spread a blanket over Meredith, who had fallen asleep in the rocking chair, and set off in search of Dr. Bailey. It was her job, after all to look out for her friends. She was still intent on making sure they didn't overdo themselves, even if she were right there with them. Alex was standing by the OR board, grinning.

"Hey," she said, putting her chin on his shoulder. "What's going on?"

"Sloan," he said, almost reverently. "Sloan's up. He's got three surgeries today, and I'm scrubbing in on two of them."

"What about Paris?" Izzie teased, and Alex turned, tickling her under the arms.

"Alex!" she gasped, laughing.

He stopped and put his hands on her waist. "I like you like this, Sunshine," he said quietly.

"Like what?" she asked, "And Sunshine? From you?"

He nodded. "You're like that, Izzie. You light up a room whenever you come in. And as for the like this part: you're happy. I like you happy."

She smiled and wanted to kiss him, but they knew better than to do that in the middle of the hallway. "I've got to go find Bailey. Meredith's asleep. She insisted on working today, but she's exhausted."

Alex nodded. "It'll get better for her once the kid's at home," he commented, as they moved towards the wall to make room for a patient being wheeled into the OR.

"Yup. Meredith's a natural with her. I always knew she was good with kids but…. she's Meredith…." Izzie trailed off, not wanting to seem judgmental.

Alex shrugged. "She may talk selfish, Iz, but inside she's not. Not really." He seemed somewhat embarrassed at this empathetic speech and he grinned. "I've got to go do pre-op on one of Sloan's patients. I'll see you later." He hurried off and Izzie shook her head at him.

"Stevens? How's Lydia doing?" Addison asked, falling into step with Izzie as she headed towards the nurses' station.

"Good. Meredith's with her. She's at three twelve and gaining steadily, no sign of infection or irritation at either incision. Her vitals are stable, she's doing fine off of the ventilator." Izzie reported.

"Just what I wanted to hear," Addison smiled. "And how's her mother?"

"Crazy. But that's because she's Meredith." Izzie shrugged. "She's good with her." Izzie paused, but continued her thought anyway. "They're both good with her…."

"Well. Dr. Shepard's always been good with kids. I've got a patient to check on; I'll see you in the OR with Ms. Fredrickson."

Izzie nodded, regretting her statement, but Addison seemed to have taken it well. They were working in the same hospital after all; he was going to come up. She leaned against the nurse's station and watched people pass for a minute before turning around to ask a nurse about Bailey's whereabouts. Olivia was typing on the computer. Izzie decided to wait. To her relief Dr. Bailey walked by a moment later.

"Dr. Bailey? It's Meredith. She's asleep in the nursery; do you want me to--?"

Bailey shook her head, "No. Leave her be. Girl's going to have to work while she's exhausted often enough in the next few months."

"Yeah, okay. Thanks, Dr. Bailey." Bailey nodded and went off towards an on-call room. Izzie went to go prep Mr. Fredrickson for OR, and as she did she passed George and Callie leaning against a supply rack, coffee in their hands. George was smiling and Callie was too. Izzie thought about it and decided: she liked him happy.

A few hours later, she went into the NICU to check on a baby who had had surgery the day before to remove a small mass in her lung. The baby was still on a ventilator, but doing well. It was a relief, they'd had a baby a week before not survive the same surgery, but this baby was a fighter. Izzie ran a hand over the small head before going into the nursery to attempt to convince Meredith to go home.

Meredith hadn't moved from where she left her, although Lydia had awakened and was moving her arms about seriously. "Hey there, baby," Izzie murmured. "Let's wake your mommy up, okay?"

She lifted the baby up and put her face against Meredith's cheek. "Hey," Meredith murmured, before her eyes were even fully open. She reached up and took the baby from Izzie. "Oh my God. I fell asleep. Bailey's going to kill me."

Izzie rolled her eyes and knelt down by the chair. "Mer, look at me. Bailey isn't going to kill you. She gets it. Actually, she left an hour ago, because her shift ended. You need to do the same thing. You need to go home and see Derek before he comes on call, and you need to take a shower and do all of the things that you are about to tell me you could just as easily do here."

Meredith closed her mouth and glared at Izzie.

"Lydia, tell your mommy that she needs to go to her house. Tell her that if she doesn't then Aunt Izzie is going to tie her up with bandages and stuff her in the trunk."

Meredith started laughing. "No, spare me. Seriously. I'll go. I just hate to leave her."

"She'll be fine, Mer. Come on, I'm off; I'll drive you." Meredith gently put Lydia in the bassinet and gazed at her for a moment. Izzie gently took her arm and led her out of the room.

They went to the locker room and changed out of their scrubs and headed towards Izzie's car. "It's weird, Izz, but it's natural. Surgery, doctoring. I mean, it comes back."

"Yeah it does," Izzie said quietly. "Meredith, you may not hear this much because of everything else, but you are a great doctor. Seriously, one of the best. You know things by heart that anyone else has to spend forever researching, you've got steady hands when you cut, patients like you…. You're wonderful at this." Izzie glanced over at Meredith as they ducked into the car. "And you're natural with Lydia too. It may be a balancing act, but I think that you and Derek are going to be able to handle this just fine."

Meredith shrugged. "Yeah, I guess you're right. It's just scary. I don't want to mess her up; I don't want to mess me up."

"You're not going to."

They rode in silence the rest of the way to the townhouse and Meredith got out of the car first, heading towards the house. When Izzie got inside she was in the kitchen with Derek, Izzie could hear their murmurs and decided that she would just go straight upstairs. She went into her room and sat on her bed, slipping her hand into her pocket. She pulled out the picture that she always carried with her. Her little girl smiled at her.

A little while later Meredith came into her room and sat next to her on the bed. "Derek's gone to the hospital," she commented. Izzie nodded, and then realized that there were tears on her face. "Hey, Izzie, don't cry." Meredith put her arm around Izzie's shoulders. "You're doing great, at everything now; it's okay."

"I know," Izzie replied quietly. "And I know I did the right thing for her too, it was so long ago…. I just wish there was something more I could have done."

"You did everything you could," Meredith whispered, "For both of them."

Izzie nodded, sadly, resting her head on Meredith's shoulder. Meredith hugged her and didn't say anything else, she was just there.

* * *

Cristina awoke early, as she always did, but this time it was before the alarm went off. Beside her Burke was still asleep and she knew he should stay that way until he had to get up. Today he was going back, and she knew he was nervous, even if he did not say anything. George had come over for dinner the night before and had been, of course, very excited that Burke was going back to work. Burke, however, had been oddly silent.

Silently, she got dressed and went to sit in the living room. Any other day she may have left early to round, but not today. Today she was going to be there for Burke. She would have made breakfast, but he had reclaimed that duty, and so she simply waited. Soon she heard the alarm clock beeping and laughed to herself as Burke swore while turning it off.

He emerged into the living room a few minutes later and silently made his way to the kitchen. "No hovering," he said as he got out the eggs.

"Burke," she said coming into the kitchen and perching on the counter. "I'm a trauma surgeon. Not cardio, sorry. Thus, if I hover the chief will murder me. Besides, I know you can handle it."

He smiled and shooed her off of the counter.

"Just don't come bitching to me when Webber keeps you off of surgeries. Meredith, you can bitch to. At least, in a couple weeks. Right now she's with Bailey, but she's going to take off as soon as Lydia can go home. And then she'll be mommy-tracked."

Burke laughed. "Why do I see a very amusing confrontation in the near future between her and Shepard once he becomes her direct superior?"

"Because it's incredibly likely." Cristina laughed.

She drove them to the hospital, and parked next to Meredith's car, which was there almost permanently, in the back seat she saw a tiny baby carrier, still empty. She was going straight for the front door, but Burke pulled back on her arm.

"What is it?" she asked, wondering if he were having some weird cold-feet issues.

"Coffee," he stated simply, leading her to the cart by the front entrance. She smiled.

At the cart he refused to let her pay, simply handing her the cardboard cup and grasping her hand in his. His right hand. They walked through the automatic doors hand-in-hand and went straight to the elevator. Meredith and Shepard were already inside, and Cristina smiled to herself, at the look on Meredith's face when they entered. Clearly she had wanted them to be alone on this elevator.

"Dr. Burke," Shepard said in greeting. "Dr. Yang."

"Morning," Cristina replied. "How's she doing, Mer?"

"Izzie said that she can probably come home tomorrow," Meredith smiled, grasping Shepard's hand.

"Good," Burke said, smiling at Meredith. The elevator doors opened onto the surgical floor and Cristina reluctantly let go of Burke's hand before heading to her locker room with Meredith.

"So, how's he doing?" Meredith asked as they went into the locker room. Meredith made a beeline for her locker, so Cristina followed her to answer.

"Okay. The tremors are nearly gone; they come back, you know, when he's tired. But I think he'll be okay."

"Wonderful," Meredith said, nearly tying herself up in her scrub pants she was putting them on so hurriedly. "I'm gonna go check on Lyddie before I report, I'll see you later." With that she dashed out of the locker room leaving Cristina standing there and shaking her head.

After getting dressed herself Cristina headed down to the ER. She liked trauma, there was less people-dealing. The only things she had to do with people that weren't her patients were tell the pale-faced husbands to leave and assure stiff-lipped mothers that she was taking the best care possible of their child. She saved lives and then sent people to other services to make their lives better.

Around noon she called in a cardio-consult for a man who had had a heart attack and then fallen down a flight of stairs. She had repaired the immediate damage to his liver and kidneys, sent him for a CAT scan which came back clean, when George and Burke appeared on the scene.

George did the initial exam with Burke critiquing him, and Cristina, although she should have gone immediately back down to the pit, watched. Burke seemed calmer than she had seen him in months, more centered. He was Preston Burke again. He was a surgeon.

She flashed him a smile and headed back to the ER. When she finally went to lunch she sought him out and was surprised to see that he was sitting alone at a cafeteria table, with a salad uneaten before him. She sat across from him with her hot-dog and didn't say anything at first.

"You okay?" she finally asked, while pushing a straw into her cup of soda.

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine. It's just weird to be back. I mean, I'm glad to be back, and it's so natural. I just…. I'm me again."

"I know," Cristina replied. "You are most definitely you."

"It comes back," someone else said. Meredith stood above them, a salad and cup of orange juice in her hand.

"Ah, Meredith, eat with us," Burke offered graciously.

"Um, no thanks. I'm going to go…." She gestured towards the elevator and was off.

"Why is she attempting to work?" Burke asked.

"I think it may have something to do with what you just said," Cristina replied. "She wants to be her again."

Burke smiled, and Cristina reached out and took his hand. "Burke? It's good to have you back," she said.

* * *

Three fourteen. That's what the scales had said when he checked on the baby before his rounds.

"Lost my fiancée again, Dr, Bailey?" Derek asked, leaning against the nurses' station.

Bailey glared up at him, "I have not lost Meredith Grey. We all know where Meredith Grey is, and I can guarantee you it's not with a surgical patient." She shook her head. "Look, Dr. Shepard, I appreciate what she's trying to do, but she needs to take her leave and stop worrying."

"Yeah, okay. I'll go talk to her," he said, smiling. "It's hard for her, being here and not doing anything, but not being able to do much for Lydia either."

"I know that. That's why I've put up with her this long. She's a great surgeon, and she'll be great when she comes back no matter when it is. Remind her of that?"

"I'll try," he promised, and started to head towards the nursery. The problem was upon passing the nurses' station on that floor he found Mark, talking to Addison as she made her way to a patient's room. Mark, who had signed a five year contract with Seattle Grace and was now head of plastics.

"Hey, Shep, I want to talk to you."

Derek turned reluctantly. "I have nothing to say to you, Mark."

"Yeah? So listen. You were good at that once, and judging by the talkativeness of your fiancée, I'd say you still are." He put one hand on the desk of the nurses' station. "I didn't come here to aggravate you, as much as you might want to think that. I came here for Addison, because she asked me to. Now I know you, Derek, I know you stayed with her for a reason. You want her to be happy, even if it's not with you.

"I get that you love Meredith, because I love Addison. So let me, let me love her. You don't have to like me; you don't have to speak to me. But don't hurt her because of me."

Derek sighed, Meredith's voice ringing in his ears _She's happy. You want her to be happy._ He did. He wanted Addison to be happy.

Mark held out his hand. Derek wanted to hit him, but he didn't. He shook

Then he went to the nursery in search of Meredith and his baby. She practically ran into him she was going out the door so fast, having evidently seen him coming.

"I was just going. To work. Back to work. Have you seen Bailey?" He shook his head and put his hands on her shoulders; propelling her back into the room and into the chair she had obviously just left, as it was still rocking.

"Meredith? Sit. Sit here and stay with Lydia. She needs you, and you will be able to work when you come back. Trust me, I'll see to it." She smiled. "You're a great surgeon Meredith, and you will be whether your residency is expanded by a month or two or not. You will be able to go back to it, okay?" He was crouched in front of the chair, holding her gaze. Slowly she nodded. "Okay." He stood and kissed her, wondering how on Earth he could have ever tried to leave her.

It felt as if they had never left each other's arms, he thought as he held her to him. It was natural.

A/N Review please! Early update because in the time the site was down I wrote. A lot. Next chapter will probably be the last; I've decided that after this I'll do a new fic that's been eating at me and then a sequel to this one. By the way, I think Bailey is actually a trauma surgeon in the show, but I realized that after I'd put her in cardio, so in cardio she'll stay in this story and its sequel…..


	12. Feels Like a Lifetime

**Chapter Twelve**

"Mom?" Meredith said, sitting in a chair by her mother. "How are you today?" Her mother turned to her slowly, not seeming to see her. "I'm sorry that I haven't been here in so long. The baby came, Mom, and she's still in the nursery. She'll probably come home today and I'll bring her by to meet you soon, okay? Her name is Lydia, Mom."

"Lydia?" her mother repeated. "Lydia."

Meredith smiled, taking her mother's hand. "That's right mom. Your granddaughter's name is Lydia Ellis Shepard-Grey. She's named after you, Mom. You're-." Meredith took a deep breath, willing herself to stay strong. She wished that Derek had come with her, but he had an early surgery. "You're going to love her, Mom, she's a beautiful baby."

To Meredith's surprise her mother turned to her with a wide smile. "Yes, Meredith is a beautiful baby. They grow so fast though."

Tears perched on the edge of Meredith's vision, but she just grasped her mother's hand more tightly and smiled. "How did- how are you managing, with your residency?" she said calmly.

"Oh, I've taken a few weeks off to be with her, and then I'm going back to work and Thatcher will work from home. I hate to be away from her so much. I knew though, when I set out to be a surgeon. I knew it wouldn't be easy. She'll understand when she grows up."

Meredith's throat constricted, but she smiled weakly. "Yeah, Mom. I do understand." She stood and kissed her mother on the forehead. "I'll bring Lyddie by to see you, Mom." She started towards the door and then turned around. "Mom? I know we never said it much, and you probably won't even hear me now… but Mom? I love you."

Her mother did not respond, but her face seemed to soften, as if in some way she heard and understood. For Meredith, it was enough. She left the home and got in her car, taking the familiar route to the hospital. It was only when she pulled into a parking spot that she relaxed her grip on the wheel and began to cry. Lydia was _not _going to have to wait until she was thirty to realize how much she was loved. Not on Meredith's watch.

She grabbed an umbrella and went in. When the elevator door opened, she was surprised and happy to see Derek standing there typing on his sidekick.

"Meredith!" he said in surprise, pushing the button to close the door. "How did the visit with your mom go?"

She leaned her head on his shoulder, inhaling the scent of his cologne. "Okay." She licked her lips and swallowed. "She thought I was talking about me, as a baby. She…. She did her best, Derek. She loved me. Why didn't I see it then?"

He put his arms around her, pulling the elevator stop button.

"Hey," he said. "You did. You did when you moved out here to take care of her, when you went to see her even when you were exhausted. She knows, Mer. I promise."

Meredith nodded against his chest, sniffing. "Okay. I'm okay."

"You're okay." He started the car up again. "Promise me something?"

"Depends," she teased.

"If Lyddie can come home today: wait for me to be done, okay? I have a twelve hour shift."

"Oh, sure, I'll just camp out in an on-call room," Meredith said, sarcastically, but they both knew that she would. She understood his need. Last night, she had stayed there until four AM when George practically dragged her out of the nursery and into his car. Just before the elevator doors opened, Derek kissed her and headed off towards the OR while she made her way up another floor to the nursery. Lydia seemed to be waiting for her, and Meredith swore that she saw the baby's blue eyes light up.

"Hey there, gorgeous," she said, picking the baby up and holding her close. "I missed you. I went to go visit your grandma. Something tells me she wouldn't want you calling her grandma, but that's not her call. No, it's not. No. Has Aunt Izzie come to see you yet, today? What do you say we get some formula into you so you'll weigh more, huh? 'Cause I want you to come home. You've got lots of friends at home, yes. And a bigger bed than this. Sound good?"

She accepted the bottle that the pediatric intern handed her and smiled as the baby began to suck down the four ounces greedily. She was nearly done when Addison entered. Actually, entered wasn't really the right term, she floated. She glowed. Meredith tried to hide a smirk behind a burp cloth, but Addison caught it.

"Shut up," she said. "The woman who screwed my husband does _not_ get to comment on my sex life."

"Not commenting," Meredith replied, smiling and holding Lydia out so that the baby could study her face. "Am I Lydia? Did I say anything to Dr. Montgomary about the new head of plastics that just so happened to share an on-call room with her last night? Or the fact that she definitely just used inappropriate language in front of twenty little babies?"

"Mkay, how about we examine her so that I can get you the heck out of here?" Addison said, with a tone that was only halfway joking.

Meredith grinned and reluctantly handed Lydia over to Addison who set her gently on the scale.

"Let's see here, beautiful," Addison murmured. She looked at the reading on the scale, while Meredith pointedly avoided looking. Addison straightened and smiled. "Congratulations. Four pounds and one ounce. I'll need to examine her, but it looks like she can go home today."

Meredith let out a breath that she did not know that she had been holding and grinned widely. A second later Izzie entered the nursery holding an x-ray film. "Dr. Montgomary? Here are the scans from Ashley Renoylds. Hey Lyddie, baby. Meredith, how was Ellis?" Meredith was a little startled at Izzie using her mother's first name, but shook it off.

"Okay. She seemed calm today; happy."

"Good. Is Lydia coming home today?" Meredith nodded. "That's great. My shift ends in an hour, so I'll be there. Do you need a ride?"

"No. Derek wants us to wait. He wants us all to go together." _To be a family_, she thought, but did not say out of respect for Addison who was examining the nearly-healed incision on Lydia's skull.

"Dr. Stevens, go run the labs on Mrs. Richards and you can go," she said. "Meredith, I want you to meet with a woman from the Infants' and Toddlers' Early Intervention program about getting her evaluated for what therapies she may need. The earlier the better, and as it happens she's coming up to the hospital today to meet with another family whose child has Cerebral Palsy. If you're going to be here I'd like you to talk to her."

"Okay," Meredith said, suddenly nervous. Addison saw the look on her face and smiled.

"Calm down, it'll be all right. Her muscle control seems all right, but I'm a little worried about the lack of movement in her legs. The sooner you can get her in physical therapy, the better; and they'll let you know what you can do to help her too."

Meredith nodded, picking up Lydia and holding her tightly. "All right. Thank you, Dr. Montgomary, for everything. You've done so much more for us than necessary." She bit her lip, then continued. "You said once, that I had more class than you. But that's not true. It takes a lot of class to take care of Lydia and me the way you have. I don't deserve it. She does, but I don't."

Addison reached out and put a hand on Meredith's shoulder. "Meredith, I don't like that my husband chose you, but I understand. And that doesn't mean that I don't like you. I'll tell you a secret that you better not repeat. I like you, a lot. You're a wonderful surgeon and great with patients. You deserved all the help I could give you, if only so you can help people and raise this beautiful little girl."

Meredith smiled and nodded, as Lydia made a small cooing noise. "I'm gonna go out and get her diaper bag and I'll be back. How long will it take to discharge her?"

"I'll sign the papers now. I'll page you when the woman I told you about gets here."

Meredith nodded; putting Lydia back in the crib for what she was glad to know would be the last time.

* * *

Izzie knelt on the wet, hard ground. It was not raining any more, but judging by the gray in the sky she knew it was going to rain again, soon. Despite this knowledge, she could not bring herself to stand. She put a hand up to the cold gravestone to swipe away dirt, made mud by the rain. Her fingers traced the carving in the stone, tracing his name over, and over until her vision blurred.

The rain began again, oozing through her pink jacket and soaking her hair, but still she knelt there staring at Denny's grave. She did not know why she was there, really, she wasn't the type to sit and talk to the departed at their graves as her grandmother had done. She was moving on with her life, like he would have wanted. She had not been here since his funeral, eight months earlier.

She should go. She should move. But she could not; all that she could do was kneel there thinking about Denny. It did not seem fair: he had been so full of life. Yet, he hadn't feared death. She had been afraid of his death, and she missed him so much. Things were still happening, though. She had a relationship, Meredith was engaged, George, was still with Callie. Things were going well, finally. He would have wanted it that way.

She heard him approach before she saw him, the crunching on the leaves and sticks that had fallen from the old tree over the graveyard. Suddenly the rain stopped falling on her, and she looked up to see his umbrella over her. Alex knelt and put his hand under her arm, pulling her to a standing position.

"C'mon," he whispered, putting a blanket over her shoulders. "Let's get you dried off." She let him gently lead her to his car and when he opened the door for her she did not get in, instead she leaned her head on his chest.

"Thank you," she murmured against his chest. "Thank you for being here, and not pushing me. For just being you." She pulled back and took his face in her hands, kissing him deeply. "I love you, Alex."

He smiled and kissed her back. "I love you too, Sunshine." She laughed and ducked into the car. He went around to the driver's side, and she did not look back. They went back to Meredith's townhouse, and she went into her room to change, then went into the kitchen, deciding to make something to welcome Lydia home. It would really be for Meredith and Derek, of course, and she knew that they would appreciate it.

* * *

George hurried out of the OR, it was after two and he hadn't eaten yet, so he made his way quickly to the cafeteria before he had to examine his post-op patients. Callie was in the line just ahead of him, and so he decided to actually sit down and eat lunch with her.

"So, I was thinking," she said. "That tonight you and I could go out somewhere and get dinner, just the two of us."

He paused in opening his milk carton, and looked up to meet her deep black eyes. "Um…. I'd love to, but I just saw Meredith and Lydia's coming home tonight. We can go Thursday though, okay? I know we're both off and no doubt the house will be crazy." He spoke quickly, trying to make up for the disappointment as quickly as he could, but Callie just smiled.

"Oh, I bet Meredith and Derek are happy. I'm glad this all worked out for them."

George nodded. "You're not—upset-- that we can't go tonight?"

"No. I understand George, they're family. Besides, I want to be there when she comes home too. They're kind of my family too now, you know?" She smiled.

George smiled back, reaching out a finger to run it across her cheek. "Callie? You're perfect."

She laughed. "I don't know about that, but thank you George. I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

She did not camp out in an exam room. She thought about it, but she did not want to be in one of the cramped little rooms all day, so instead she settled in the basement clubhouse. Cristina found her down there and brought her lunch, which they ate while Lydia slept in her baby carrier, that was really too big for her. When Addison paged, she was changing Lydia's sleeper after she a feeding. She quickly snapped it up and rolled up the legs which were more than far too long. She popped a tiny cap that Izzie had made onto the baby's head and set off towards the conference room holding Lydia to her, closely.

"Derek?" she said, as she passed by him filling in a chart at the nurses' station. "Are you busy right now? Addison wants me to meet with the woman who's going to help us get therapies for Lyddie when the time comes, and I figured that you would want to be there."

He nodded, pocketing his pen. "Sure. Can I take her?" he asked and she, somewhat reluctantly, handed the baby over. Her mind flashed suddenly to a parent-teacher conference in which she and her father had sat there for an hour while they waited for her mother to be through with surgery. She and Derek were already starting out better than that.

The baby whimpered as they walked down the hallway and Derek shushed her gently. "Come on, sweet girl," he said, "Let's go talk to the nice lady." Meredith smiled up at them as they got to the conference room where Addison had told them to meet. The woman was middle-aged, with curly black hair and a warm smile.

"Hi, I'm Ellen Winters," she said as they sat down. "I'm the family support coordinator assigned to Seattle Grace. Basically, what we do with a child as young as Lydia is that we'll schedule a preliminary evaluation at the three month mark, and begin her services.

"We prefer to give services in the natural environment, which is generally the home, but if the parents prefer they can be done through the physical therapy department of the hospital. We'll also help you navigate your insurance if she needs any equipment or medical procedures. I have her chart from Dr. Montgomary, and it looks as if she was a pretty lucky baby and the damage was minimal, but it will be a while before we know for sure."

She said all of this slowly, and calmly, giving them time to absorb it. Meredith shifted Lydia in her arms and reached for Derek's hand. He squeezed her hand and began discussing further technicalities with Ellen, while Meredith peered down at Lydia's face. The baby had drifted off to sleep and she looked so peaceful. It wouldn't be easy, but they would take care of her.

After they talked with Ellen for a while longer and made an appointment for a coordinator to visit their house in the next month Meredith and Derek went back out into the hall. "Are you all right?" he asked, kissing her cheek and cupping a hand over Lydia's head.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. We're all going to be fine," she smiled. "Go doctor so we can go home."

He smiled and kissed her forehead before disappearing down the hall. Meredith went back to the abandoned gurneys in the hallway, setting Lydia gently in her carrier before throwing herself on a gurney to attempt to sleep for just a few minutes.

When she awoke her sidekick was going off and Lydia was whimpering. She scowled as she realized that the text message was just an advertisement for picture mail and picked up the baby, who was now wailing.

"What is it, baby?" she asked, "Did the stupid beeping wake you up, too?" She reached down into the diaper bag for a pre-prepared bottle and shook it up. "There you go, angel."

She tossed her hair out of her eyes and smiled down at the baby who was now placidly drinking her bottle. Footsteps caused her to look abruptly down the hall. "Derek? What time is it?"

"Just seven. I want you to come look at a patient's scans. It's something fairly common, but I don't think you've seen it yet."

She stared at him. "Derek? Baby."

"Yeah, I know," he said, sitting on the gurney next to her and kissing her neck. "But she's going to be exposed to this her whole life anyway, might as well start now."

"If I were her, I'd decide right here and now to become a clown or a trapeze artist and join the circus."

Derek laughed. "You didn't."

"But I did go directly against my mother's wishes. Remember?"

"This is true," he agreed, putting his arm around her. They sat there, the three of them, quietly together until Lydia had drained her bottle, been burped, and was docilely lying in Meredith's arms looking up at her,

Meredith smiled and stood up. The baby gurgled and waved one tiny fist. "All right, let's go see these films that Daddy's so hung up on. Maybe then we can get out of here, what do you say?"

The baby cooed in response and Meredith and Derek laughed.

"I think she agrees."

Derek led them to a light-board where he had several cat-scans posted. He was explaining the damage to her and she listened, one finger resting in Lydia's curled fist.

"So, are you operating?" Meredith asked, hesitantly. It wasn't a life-or-death case; the damage to the optical nerve wasn't going to get worse.

He nodded. "Yes, but not today. Today I got Dr. Weir to cover the rest of my patients. We are going home." Meredith smiled, he put his arm around her and kissed her. Then, she returned to the clubhouse to collect the myriad of baby things that had been strewn around there throughout the day, while he changed out of his scrubs.

As they walked to the front of the hospital, Meredith was surprised to see that George, Izzie, Alex and Cristina were there, waiting for them. They did not say anything, just followed them through the automatic doors. As they went out to Meredith's car and she was about to load in the baby-seat, she paused, glancing up at the sky where stars were just beginning to come out.

"Lydia? See that star? When you get bigger you can wish on those. You say 'star light, star bright/first star I see tonight/I wish I may, I wish I might/ have the wish I wish tonight," she smiled and buckled the baby into her seat. "My daddy taught me that." She remembered the night suddenly, but there wasn't pain with the memory.

She turned around and Derek was smiling at her. She put her arms around him and rested her head on his chest.

"What did you wish for?" he asked, tipping her face up to his.

She smiled. "I couldn't think of anything to wish for; I have all that I need." She leaned up and kissed him, ready to go home and begin the new chapter in their lives. Her friends surrounded them, smiling, as she and the man she loved got into the car to drive their baby home.

FINITE

A/N: I'm not one for long author's notes, as you all know, so just bear with me for a bit. I want to thank you all for reviewing this story, it's the first story (original or not) that I've been able to get into in a long time. Like, as in one that kept me up at night thinking about it, with scenes that played out in my head.

Upcoming:

A one-shot dealing with Meredith and her mother that may, if you're nice and review, be up before the end of the weekend!

A new chaptered fic dealing with other Meredith issues after Losing My Religion

The sequel to I Wish I May set a few years in the future!

Stay tuned!


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